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Hoosiernurse Hoosiernurse (New Member) New Member

You ONLY work 3 days a week!

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You are reading page 4 of You ONLY work 3 days a week!. If you want to start from the beginning Go to First Page.

As usual I will disclaimer this comment by stating: "This is an online forum therefore we are only aware of the comments you post and not the whole, intimate situation combined with normal communication non-verbals." Aka, take comments with a grain of salt.

That being said, I am wondering if this is a new behavior for him? It sounds like he could be extremely stressed about lay-offs and doesn't know how to express himself, other than degrading you. I know my husband tends to fuss over stupid things (once in a blue moon thank heavens) like a laundry basket in the wrong place, or a bill he didn't expect. He will throw a mini tantrum and then, after letting him get his giblets back in order, I start digging for an answer. Usually it has to do with feeling pressured or unappreciated at work. (He too is in IT somewhat as a Java Programmer).

This is the conversation we had about your situation:

Tait: He is probably stressed about layoffs he is facing and doesn't know how to communicate that he doesn't like her bringing home all the money?

 

Tait's Hubby: exactly, guys are typically most comfortable filling the role they feel society is telling them to fill

 

I know I am

 

stress is also a relative thing to, as an IT person, you have to deal with a lot of high strung individuals so you probably have to deal with a lot of stress that is out of place

at least with ICU, when you are stressing, you can stress about things that actually matter

and you probably get a greater sense of satisfaction when resolving that stress

So there is a chance that there is more to this than him simply thinking "you don't work hard enough". It is probably more on his side of the fence of feeling scared, stressed, inadequate in your eyes and pressured. He may push you to work all those extra hours, but maybe at time he is feeling really bad about it and doesn't know how to proceed? Maybe he doesn't understand all the housework that needs to be done, or how you like to do it after 14 years of relying on you? My husband and I got into some disagreements about housework for a time, until he realized the more little things he got done around the house while I was on my three days a week, the more time we had to be together and relax.

Like I said, I don't know your situation well, or really even at all, but pick and choose what might make sense to you?

:icon_hug:

Tait

PS. I just finished reading the thread, so your updates aren't reflected here, but I think most of my points are still valid.

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Good job for standing up for yourself.

As a husband I often find that when my wife is mad about something she bites her tongue, and it all explodes later on. Keeping an open communication line over the negative sides of our marriage is probably one of the hardest parts of being married - nobody likes to look at their mistakes and short comings.

That being said - every time she does open up and explode when she reaches a breaking point things fix themselves the next day, she empowers herself by speaking her mind - just as you did.

It's the little things that matter.

I noticed a lot of women on here categorizing standards into men in general - I just wanted to point out that as a man, and a loving husband, we are all not that bad. I pour my entire life into my family, but the most important thing in keeping my relationship strong with my wife is that we communicate our actions and how they relate to strengthening our entire families future.

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Is it just me??? You probably won't believe what I would tell him, but I surely would. It would be something like this"MIND YOU OWN DAMN BUSINESS AND STAY OUT OF MY SCHEDULE".

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I'm no marriage counsellor, but...

I think you need to buy a fancy hat...one that comes in one of those nice hat boxes, and then sit down with your husband and watch the movie Crazy in Alabama.

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My heart goes out to you. I think you should honestly and calmly tell your husband the effects his lack of support is having on you and go from there.

We all make mistakes. Yes it is a problem now, however, if you make your thoughts and wishes known and he doesn't change his behavior, you have a real problem on your hands. It is also easy for others to tell you to leave and what they would do if it were them but they don't know until it is them in the situation. "When people show you who they are, believe them" Quote by Maya Angelou

Edited by Blue Crab Lover
added more info

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Ew! As if I needed another reason to never get married...

:hug:

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He's stressed and he's taking it out on you. When my husband's hours were cut, I took on some extra hours (which wasn't too big of a deal for me, since I at times only work part-time, I like the flexibility of choosing that 3rd shift instead of HAVING to work that third shift, especially since it's rare that I can't get that extra shift.) He on the other hand, didn't really take on more responsibility. It was a stressful time for both of us, but we got through by just trying to be understanding of each other.

Men tend to be more tied into their job being their identity than women. We can work a more stressful job, but they tend to be more stressed about the thought of losing their job, because without the job, who are they? I don't think your issue is really, "who is more stressed?" because neither of you really understand the stresses each other face at work. But how can you work TOGETHER to make it through a stressful time for both of you.

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He is being really unfair to you. I used to work 3 12's sitting on my butt as a customer service rep, no kids, lived 10 minutes away from work -- and I still was as exhausted as a zombie when I was done! I was also pretty tired on my days off.

I find it hard to put up with crap like that from significant others ... might be why I'm divorced! LOL! Maybe you better not follow my example ... (-:

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You have my most sincere condolences.

A couple of things you said really bothered me - he refuses to go to counseling, and he expects you do the majority of the housework and money saving. The way you describe him demonstrates a real selfish streak and a relunctance to change. And why should he change? He's got life just the way he likes it.

If it were me, I would make a appointment with a counselor. Try to find a good one, not one of those "let's talk about feeeeeelings." Tell him nicely he can make the appointment with you, or you can go by yourself, but if you go by yourself, you will call an attorney the next day. But - only say this is you really mean it. He treats you with little respect now and he'll be even worse if he thinks you're blowing smoke.

I wish you all the best.

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sorry, haven't read the rest of the posts, but why don't you take care of your stuff, your loundry, your dishes, and he needs to do his and only his. i don't know, he does sound like a basket full. i'm glad my hubby helps me out with cooking laundry. if he's cooking, i give our 2 yr. old a bath, we do loundry together to get it done faster, and we clean house together to get it done faster. i'll start taking care of your things, and if he doesn't want to pick other stuff then his,than tell him you'll do your things, and he'll do his. that means, you cook for you, and clean after you, and do your own loundry.

best of luck, hugs-big hugs for you, let us know what you decide to implement, and how it turns out.

gaby

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I often hear nurses criticize other professions because "they don't save lives like I do", as if no other profession is allowed to feel stress or complain about it.

Don't expect him to understand what you really do.

All jobs are worthy, so surrender that one and don't waste energy aruging over a moot point.

Otherwise let him know that your other full time job as a mother takes up so much time that you can work overtime, unless he contributes more hours to mom duty.

I'm with everyone else 3 12's is a full time job, end of discussion.

Good luck!

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