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Hoosiernurse Hoosiernurse (New Member) New Member

You ONLY work 3 days a week!

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You are reading page 3 of You ONLY work 3 days a week!. If you want to start from the beginning Go to First Page.

He doesn't ever want to go to counseling, I would have to go myself, and he doesn't want ME to go to counseling....

His idea for working on our marriage was to get a book. It's a good book, but as soon as it required some work, around chapter 3, it fell by the wayside....

Basically, anything that requires him to give much of himself is too much, which is where our marriage is at now.

I just wanted to say, these things REALLY stand out when I'm reading your post. I'm not a nurse, but my fiance has been laid off twice and is in danger of being laid off in the near future (this has happened over the last 3 years!) so I can empathize with what you both are going through. I've noticed that men tend to panic when they lose their position as breadwinner, and they feel like less of a "man" because they're not providing for the family. Maybe he's trying to regain control by trying to control the finances? That's not a good excuse for his behavior, though!

Are you religious? If so, maybe you both (or just you) could talk to a priest/rabbi/etc--it might have less stigma for him.

Good luck, and kudos to you for deciding to not burn yourself out!

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That type of husband is a male, chauvinist pig and needs some re-educating.

Perhaps he should speak with mine?

Kidding aside, set firm limits with him and tell him to pull his worth. If he's going to get laid off, he should be kissing your feet that you have a good job to support the family in the meantime.

Those kind of attitudes I don't tolerate for too long without threatening to leave. I just don't have time to waste and life is too short for aggravation.

But please...don't do that...that would be me...not necessarily you....

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I just sent you a pm.

I agree with the boundaries thing... VERY important....

just don't ever threaten to do something you're not ready to do!!!

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So I've been in a similar boat as so many others and it took a near split up to open his eyes and appreciate all I do for our family. Life is nowhere near perfect but as long as I know we're both trying than it makes it all worthwhile and I just don't sweat the small stuff anymore after 15 years together.

To the OP....please stop being a doormat and give some ultimatums with measurable outcomes AND promise to FOLLOW THROUGH. You sound just miserable and I can't say what I would do in your circumstances but take an honest inventory of your relationship and have a serious talk with your DH and let him know really what he risks losing if things don't change for the better.

Good luck and hope you're able to keep us posted.

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Okay I just read your 2nd post.

Put your husband on ignore until he's not in the manic-stage of his fear-induced, control freakishness...

He's very stressed....

Seems like you've been through this before and although he probably needs a good "bonk to the head."...

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Your husband sounds like he's a real piece of work.

When I first got married - it took my wife and I a little while to get used to each others habits. She would always want to do chores around the house before she would study for her classes.

I was the opposite - I set my priorities differently, and made sure all my school work was done before anything around the house was done.

The flaw in that, is that studying for 12 hours a day left me tired and I wouldn't do much to help around the house - my wife got overwhelmed and almost had a nervous break down.

So I started doing everything around the house - and man it gave me a whole new level of appreciation for her and what she does.

Things are different now, and she's adopted my philosophy priorities:

1. Our son.

2. Our school.

3. Our house work.

As I type this out there's a pile of dirty dishes sitting on the sink that have been there for two days, but who cares - school and our livelihood is more important.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Tell your husband to nut up or shut up and start pulling his weight around the house. Just because you bring in a paycheck doesn't mean you're king turd. If he DOES get laid off, you should make him volunteer to shadow a nurse in ICU for a week - 5 days a week, doing full shifts.

See how he hacks just WATCHING some one pull 13 hour shifts 5 days a week in a job like nursing.

Good luck to you - but make sure you stand your ground on this one. Don't be an enabler. Marriage is 50/50 - not "I bring home a paycheck and you do everything else."

EDIT: As far as books go. There's one called "The Love Dare" that my wife and I went through separately on our own as part of pre-marital counseling. It helped a lot - but it takes a commitment.

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First, I want to say I am sorry for all of those with less than understanding spouses-nursing is the hardest job I have every had where you truly get the life sucked out of you during a shift-physically, mentally and emotionally.

I was in technology for years-had to deal with customers, vendors and employees; ran an entire service division (technicians, warehouse delivery and personnel, inventory control, dispatch, contracts, supplies.....and on, and on, and on) as the only woman manager in the US for years....lots of stress and aggravation....70+ hours per week....work on vacation....company kept merging with others.....then DOWNSIZED! They had to split my job up amongst several people-SEVERAL PEOPLE! Each got one component....hmmm

Along with many tech managers who found themselves unemployed I couldn't find work anywhere....I could've returned as a field engineer; but had lost my up to date skills and would have to return to school....decided on nursing as a sure thing and an avenue I'd considered as a youth. I thought I'd be able to work 4 or 5 days per week...no problem...didn't I work 70 with ease?

Hah!!!!

NURSING IS THE HARDEST JOB I'VE EVER DONE! Working 3 shifts far surpasses any aggravation, physical labor, mental exercise, or emotional drain I ever encountered during my long time in the business world! There is nothing like it....no where....no how!

My husband used to make comments until one day I lost it and told him no matter how many hours he worked and was tired....the end result wouldn't be that someone died, got worse, or was permanently injured because of him and any mistake he made.

I met him in the techie world....a computer...system...hardware....customer relations...whatever can be repaired and if not...no one died because of a mistake.....NURSES HOLD THE LIVES AND WELFARE OF THEIR CLIENTS IN THEIR HANDS DAILY....NO other job even comes close! He backed off and has never said another word.

He knew how hard I worked before, and I truly believe after experiences caring for my FIL and mom he has seen what good nurses do....working a full shift, then spending the night with family in the hospital....then working again! He has seen me during a shift in the ER; observed as his dad was held for 18 hours while we awaited placement in a room. Too bad all husbands and wives can't see their wives/husbands in action and how they really "run" not walk all day long.

As for others who start with this you only work 3 days thing....I tell them become a nurse, then talk to me.....no one can understand....sigh....unless they are living it!

Hang in there....

Maisy

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OP, I am sorry to hear your husband acts this way and may be laid off. However that doesn't excuse his comment about only working 3 days a week. We all know the housework, bills, errands and childcare don't stop. Unless you have a private accountant, chef, nanny and cleaning lady, then it is also considered work. Does he think all you do on your days off are spent lying on the couch eating bon-bons watching the young and the restless? Of course you don't! He needs to realize that 1) 12 hr shifts are longer than that and physically draining, and 2) your days off are still spent on other work. Marriage and raising a family are a team effort. It's not fair for you to work on all of that.

As far as money problems go, I suggest you and DH read Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover." It is an excellent book for re-evaluating spending/sticking to a budget, getting out of debt, planning for financical emergencies and saving money. Both partners must be on board for the plan to work. Perhaps if your husband felt a little more secure with the finances he wouldn't act like you should be killing yourself in OT at the hospital.

My DH used to be a hospital nurse and worked 12hr shifts, but he's been in home care management the last few years. I've heard that "only work 3 days a week" come out of his mouth a few times and I want to bonk him in the head to jar his memory!!! I get up at 5am, home at 8pm to a 3yr old who still needs to be put to bed and a sink full of dishes. He wants to "unwind" from his 9-5 office job, well I want my time to unwind from my pager and running to rapid response calls! We've had a few heart to hearts about the division of labor and we are making progress. Plus we read the Dave Ramsey book and started the program, which I think will also help decrease the stress. Good luck to you!!

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My husband is a very sweet man but he is not a health professional and just does not understand nursing. He never seemed to understand my working every other weekend---if there was something going on during a weekend I had to work, he couldn't quite seem to "get" that I couldn't just take the weekend off or trade with someone else. The oddest thing is---he's a minister so he has to work every Sunday! :confused:

We were both frustrated with me working nights and decided that I should return to graduate school for nursing education. (I had been a clinical instructor when we met but I left that position when we got married and moved out of the area.) We decided, together, that it would be best for us if I went to school full-time rather than school part-time and work part-time. Now the biggest conflict we have is that he does not understand how tough a graduate nursing program can be. He worked hard in seminary but not like this, and he's frustrated that I just can't take an evening off to watch TV or go to a movie or out for dinner. (He also didn't realize that I am taking four classes; he thought I was taking three.)

We've had a few of those Kodak moments in our marriage when he asks me why I haven't paid a certain bill or called the vet or made an appointment for the dentist---after all, I'm not working. Sometimes if we get into an argument, his PTSD will flare (he's a Guard chaplain and has been deployed to Iraq.)

Still, I realize that his frustration is due to ignorance not an intentional put-down. It is still difficult, through, at times. I so could have smacked him upside the head when he said he thought I was taking three classes...

To the OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Your story makes me want to cry.

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Here's the latest...

My husband calls to say he's feeling SO MUCH BETTER because he just got word at work that some of the hospitals are joining together and saving the group he's working for. So it appears they will not lay off a bunch of people, at least not now. They may downsize anyway, because there are fewer hospitals in the group now, but it will either buy some time, or may possibly mean my husband's job isn't going away at all. So yes, this is wonderful...but...

I was so upset about this morning, that him being all happy made me madder! I said, "I'm glad you're feeling happier but I'M NOT!" and I cut loose, ladies and gentlemen. I told him it was crap that he talks to me the way he does, disrespects me the way he does, and if he thinks I'm going to spend the rest of my life feeling this way he is wrong. And I do mean it, it is not an idle threat. I told him that our marriage CAN fall apart, and will, because I would rather be alone than feel the way I have for a good part of our marriage.

Further, I explained that I am not having this "you only work three days." I said, that is full-time, you know, and then I come home to another full-time job waiting for me. He said he knew I did, but I wasn't in the mood for letting him speak. I asked him how he could possible expect me to believe that he loves me when he cuts me down at every turn? When I try to support him, encourage him to believe and think positively, he chops my legs out from under me? And on top of it all, he has no respect for me and leaves a filthy house for me to deal with and doesn't make a move to help. But I'm supposed to be so gratified that he's feeling better about things?

I went on for some time, letting him know that things WILL change, that and we WILL be looking into counseling because if we could have done this on our own we would have by now. It's not working and we need a mediator to help things out, and HE HAS TO EXPECT MORE OF HIMSELF! I informed him you don't get married and say, "I'll give a little bit of myself, I'll open my heart a little bit." You give ALL of yourself to have a good relationship. You give your heart and you make that person top priority and they should do that for you. But I pointed out that all he has gotten is a houseful of people who resent him and don't respect him because they know he can't be counted on.

Yes, I let it fly. He was pretty quiet for awhile, and he said he knew a lot of stuff needs to be changed, and that he'd TRY...that's where I stopped him. I said, "NO. We're not trying. Do you TRY to go to work? No, you do it because you need to because it is a priority. That's what this marriage has to be or it's not going to work. You have to do it, don't give yourself that OUT you always do with 'I'll try'."

He said. "I see what you are saying." which is something for him. At least he let me know he was listening and didn't withdraw. He said we will work on our marriage and he will do better. Only time will tell.

As for Dave Ramsey...hehehe, that's funny you should mention it. His work just started offering this and my husband is in the class! It's a good program, but unfortunately, I credit it for being one of the reasons my husband started obsessing about how much money we could cram into the savings account. Even though we are doing well with saving, he just let his anxiety climb and he took it out on me. But I do think it's going to be a great program for us, and we're going to get our finances in shape. Who needs that extra worry, after all?

So I'm feeling much better, much more empowered:yeah: I meant what I said to him, absolutely...life is too short if I can't have a partner to be married to...a real partner.

You guys are just the best...I'm so glad I came here for support!

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Golly. Glad I wasn't on the receiving end of that! Proud of ya!

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Just reading some of these responses has made me burst into tears because I didn't realize how much I've been holding in. Now to see someone understands really broke open the dam, I guess.

We do have several other issues. Way too many to get into right now. Just suffice to say that we seldom work together well, and now that he's under this kind of pressure, suddenly the cracks are showing more, if you know what I mean.

He just sent me a forlorn email about how his alliance of hospitals is falling apart, which we knew, but I think he thinks that because I am not sick with worry all the time that I DON'T know. I know, I just don't choose to let it run my life. What good is being sick over it going to do? I prefer ACTION. Get the resumes out, get to networking, make something happen before it all falls apart! Don't sit around and tear up the ones who are at home supporting you. This is LIFE, and sometimes it gets hard. If we were better at working together, it would be different and we could weather it. As it is, when things get tough, my husband starts looking for a scapegoat to blame.

I sent back an email saying that I had just done our bills, and that from my calculations he spends about 150 dollars a month at least on eating out at work. I take microwave meals on sale to save money. So, I told him that since we need to sock away as much money into savings as we can, it's time he take microwave meals. I know his cafeteria has a micro, and hey, that would put about as much money per month in the bank as say, oh, me working an EXTRA SHIFT. And that we might just need to stop taking such long hot showers in the mornings because our electric bill was out of this world. He takes at least a 20 minute soaker each morning.

Let's see how he feels when the sacrifices are on him to get that extra money in the bank. I guarantee, he won't do any of it. As for me, I'm a full-time nurse and a full-time mom. I'm not doing anymore work and this is MY DAY OFF.:up:

Tell your husband exactly what you said in paragraph #3!!!! That sums it up......You are in my prayers.:heartbeat

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