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Hoosiernurse Hoosiernurse (New Member) New Member

You ONLY work 3 days a week!

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You are reading page 2 of You ONLY work 3 days a week!. If you want to start from the beginning Go to First Page.

I did 12 hour shifts for 10 years and finally decided at age 49 it was time to go back to 8 hour shifts. My husband did no housework, limited cooking and did not do clean up after a meal. Still lets stuff out of the fridge till I get home, doesn't think you need to wipe anything down after a meal, can wash laundry but " i just don't know how to fold it'

so it lays in a ball and wrinkles! He was laid off for 2 years and I worked full time 12hours and picked up a part time job flexing. Never again!

I have told him he will work 2 jobs and I now have bills he pays and bills I pay, household repairs are split and we each have our own checking account and a joint account which he puts nothing into the joint checking or savings.

I know I am not alone with a husband like this as I hear many nurses say the same thing but I also understand why the divoroce rate increases at my age, kids are grown, I can support myself nicely on my income, get a small apartment and keep it clean and neat and let the man fend for himself, Not that I am getting divorced by I sure understand it a lot better now>

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I did 12 hour shifts for 10 years and finally decided at age 49 it was time to go back to 8 hour shifts. My husband did no housework, limited cooking and did not do clean up after a meal. Still lets stuff out of the fridge till I get home, doesn't think you need to wipe anything down after a meal, can wash laundry but " i just don't know how to fold it'

so it lays in a ball and wrinkles! He was laid off for 2 years and I worked full time 12hours and picked up a part time job flexing. Never again!

I have told him he will work 2 jobs and I now have bills he pays and bills I pay, household repairs are split and we each have our own checking account and a joint account which he puts nothing into the joint checking or savings.

I know I am not alone with a husband like this as I hear many nurses say the same thing but I also understand why the divoroce rate increases at my age, kids are grown, I can support myself nicely on my income, get a small apartment and keep it clean and neat and let the man fend for himself, Not that I am getting divorced by I sure understand it a lot better now>

You hear similar stories when nurses discuss how they woke up and figured out how they were "targeted" by their significant others for their ability to bring in a paycheck or two.

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Just reading some of these responses has made me burst into tears because I didn't realize how much I've been holding in. Now to see someone understands really broke open the dam, I guess.

We do have several other issues. Way too many to get into right now. Just suffice to say that we seldom work together well, and now that he's under this kind of pressure, suddenly the cracks are showing more, if you know what I mean.

He just sent me a forlorn email about how his alliance of hospitals is falling apart, which we knew, but I think he thinks that because I am not sick with worry all the time that I DON'T know. I know, I just don't choose to let it run my life. What good is being sick over it going to do? I prefer ACTION. Get the resumes out, get to networking, make something happen before it all falls apart! Don't sit around and tear up the ones who are at home supporting you. This is LIFE, and sometimes it gets hard. If we were better at working together, it would be different and we could weather it. As it is, when things get tough, my husband starts looking for a scapegoat to blame.

I sent back an email saying that I had just done our bills, and that from my calculations he spends about 150 dollars a month at least on eating out at work. I take microwave meals on sale to save money. So, I told him that since we need to sock away as much money into savings as we can, it's time he take microwave meals. I know his cafeteria has a micro, and hey, that would put about as much money per month in the bank as say, oh, me working an EXTRA SHIFT. And that we might just need to stop taking such long hot showers in the mornings because our electric bill was out of this world. He takes at least a 20 minute soaker each morning.

Let's see how he feels when the sacrifices are on him to get that extra money in the bank. I guarantee, he won't do any of it. As for me, I'm a full-time nurse and a full-time mom. I'm not doing anymore work and this is MY DAY OFF.:up:

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When you stop taking responsibility for his problems, insecurities, jealousy issues, they eventually become less of a problem for him as well. !

You know, I hadn't thought of that. It's kind of being codependent on my part, isn't it? When I hurt and suffer over it all, then it makes it into a bigger thing that lasts even longer. Hmmm. Something to think about. Thanks.

Hoosiernurse

Edited by TheCommuter
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Take one of the issues off the table....if he won't help with the housework, hire a maid to come by once a week. The cost is worth your peace of mind, and it will force him to fish or cut bait on this issue. Maybe he will help out if he thinks it costs too much. When my wife and I were both working high stress jobs (I was the techie then), we had a maid come by once every two weeks to do a little light cleaning. It gave us more time together when we did have time off at the same time. Now that I have returned to school, we both do it.

I think this would be wonderful, and a great suggestion, but my husband would have a stroke:eek: if I hired someone and caused us to have another bill at a time when he sees his worklife crumbling around him. It would be just one more THING I had done to cost us money rather than helping. Yes, it might force him into doing stuff, but you haven't seen how he acts when he is forced into doing stuff. He would probably help out, angrily, for a week or so, and then when I wasn't around he would get our girls to do the work instead. They would refuse after awhile, and then we'd back to where we were.

It's a great idea, but forcing his hand has never had a favorable outcome. He just feels like the work was created to inconvenience him or something. I've threatened hiring a maid, and he always says, "NO, don't do that. We'll start cleaning up around here more." And then not one thing gets better. However, he expects the children to do their chores SPOT ON TIME.

Go figger.

Thanks for the idea, though...it's always a possibility...

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I work 4 days/week--two 8 and two 12 hr shifts. My drive is only 40 minutes..or longer in the bad weather.

My husband, who has been laid off for over a year now, has NO idea what kind of crap I put up with on a regular basis. NO IDEA! I work straight night shift and he actually said to me, don't you get bored when all the patients do is sleep all night? Yeah, right! Ever heard of Sundowners? Those confused crazy LOL's do everything BUT sleep!

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I don't have a hubby (or an anything, right now :P) but have heard this sentiment more than once, from both my previous boyfriend (we lived together, he was unemployed for a time) and now, still, frequently, from my sister. She works a fairly cushy (IMO) office job, with a great salary (she makes as much as I do, with no post high school education and the ability to flex her hours...if she needs to leave for something, she can leave, etc), great benefits (free health ins and a large extra spending acct for health care expenses, PLUS 10k+ bonuses at the end of the year.....). I'll make a comment about being tired, having had a stressful week, whatever, and there's always a comment about "only working 3 days" or "having 4 days off." I'll complain about the extra shifts I get scheduled (we get put on a lot of extra fours, and they're a pain in the neck) and she'll say, "well, you only work 3 days, it's not a big deal." :mad:

I also work kind of an odd shift, 11a-1130p. She doesn't understand why I can't do things (for example, this week I have to pick up a new pair of glasses and said I can't do it til Thursday, when I am off) before work. I don't get up that early, because I don't get to bed until 1am, at least! Plus, knowing you are going in to work for 12 1/2 hours MINIMUM, sometimes 13 or 14 (or god forbid longer!), you don't exactly want to run errands and get up at 7am! I made a comment about 8am being early for me (I was babysitting my brother's kids on a day off) and she goes, heck, that's not bad, if it were my kids, it would be 7. Yea, well, I don't keep "typical" hours, but she makes me feel lazy because I often sleep in til 8 or 9 (or 10 :P).

People that don't do it often just do not understand (or worse, refuse to even try to). Sorry you're husband is being such a butt.

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I am so relieved to hear that so many other women in nursing are having this experience with their spouse, not a good relief but just relieved. I work 12 hour night shifts on the per diem scheduled which means I choose when I want to work, but don't get any paid vacation or sick days. I manage to get a full 3-day work week every week and make good money on the per diem pay roll. Before starting this type of schedule I told my husband I thought I could work a 4-day week every now and then since the overtime pay is really good. But once I starting working nights again (I was previously on days and now do 3 nights in a row with 4 days off) I realize how hard it is to do 4 shifts a week on nights. By my third night I'm exhausted and would never do 4 in a row. But if I work a 4th shift later in the week I spend my time off sleeping and trying to get my body on a normal schedule for 12 hours for what its worth before going back to work. Sure, when I have done an extra shift it shows in my paycheck, but that's the only benefit. You never know what kind of patients you will have and your night can be hell and you can't do anything but suck it up. I have repeatedly told my husband that I haven't seen my friends in a while and I miss them. I also still manage to cook, clean the apartment and do the dishes on my time off. I told him finally to quit pushing me to do a 4th shift becuase it's not as easy as it seems and I'll reconsider the topic when I am back on days, but until then he needs to back off. He hasn't bothered me about it since and I am enjoying just doing 3 nights and having 4 off. Ugh, this is so frustrating how people in the non-medical world perceive the nursing schedule.

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I don't think you can understand it unless you've done it. I "only work 3 days a week" too. Most days it's 14 hr's and at 57 I don't work many extra shifts. My husband is retired and he hates to see me go to work because he's "bored".

I have a friend that went to a clinic so she could work 8hr days 5 days a week. It is easier on her because she's raising 2 kids alone. She makes a little less money, but right now it works best for her.

I hope you and your husband work things out, because that's the main problem. Having no sympathy at home is no picnic.

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I think this would be wonderful, and a great suggestion, but my husband would have a stroke:eek: if I hired someone and caused us to have another bill at a time when he sees his worklife crumbling around him. It would be just one more THING I had done to cost us money rather than helping. Yes, it might force him into doing stuff, but you haven't seen how he acts when he is forced into doing stuff. He would probably help out, angrily, for a week or so, and then when I wasn't around he would get our girls to do the work instead. They would refuse after awhile, and then we'd back to where we were.

It's a great idea, but forcing his hand has never had a favorable outcome. He just feels like the work was created to inconvenience him or something. I've threatened hiring a maid, and he always says, "NO, don't do that. We'll start cleaning up around here more." And then not one thing gets better. However, he expects the children to do their chores SPOT ON TIME.

Go figger.

Thanks for the idea, though...it's always a possibility...

Not defending your husband (or mine!) but I think men really have no idea what we do, and really don't want to know. My husband does have a stressful and demanding job, but that's where it ends (except in the summer he does cut the grass once or twice a week).

Every once in a while my husband actually tries to help, but doesn't have a clue what to do. He says he doesn't know what he is supposed to do, and wants me to make lists. I really hate that idea - I mean really, you want me to write down that you need to do laundry when there are loads of dirty clothes and nothing clean in the closets? Really? And you want me to write down that you need to run the dishwasher when there are dirty dishes all over the counter and nothing clean in the cupboards?

Really, I guess he does.

It might help you and him to write down everything you do on top of your nursing job. I mean every little thing. I'll bet he doesn't have a clue. Don't confront him, he is probably feeling depressed about his job and his self esteem is in the toilet. (NOT excusing him, but looking for possible explanation). Don't rule out counseling, either. If not for both of you, just go yourself to learn to deal with this more effectively.

Sorry you are going through this. Hope it gets better!

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I'm sorry. I hear you on the work days. I'm a mom of 7 with 2 gone so 5 kids home. My dh is at home now on medical leave. Money is tight as I had to go back to work and 'only' work 3 days a week, 12 hr shifts.

My dh is great and understands as he is a nurse. But his FIL, who thinks our money situation could be lessened IF I worked more hours, because I don't work FT. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

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Thanks...

I have written down lists before, he does none of it. I have written down things I do, but he sees it as me being attacking and withdraws. He doesn't ever want to go to counseling, I would have to go myself, and he doesn't want ME to go to counseling. He says counselors are what helped to confuse and mess up his first wife, I don't know what he's talking about. She had many childhood issues with incest she needed to work out, so I don't know if a counselor really did hurt things...I don't have all the info on that. I just know he's deadset against US going, or ME going. He also thinks it stigmatizes the person and goes on a permanent record somewhere that you required mental help.

His idea for working on our marriage was to get a book. It's a good book, but as soon as it required some work, around chapter 3, it fell by the wayside. I'm not in the mood to go and get the book and plop it in his lap and demand he read the chapter, so there it sits on the shelf.

Basically, anything that requires him to give much of himself is too much, which is where our marriage is at now. I know his work can be stressful, and I know he is scared that if he loses his job we could lose the house...it also scares him that he knows I'm not happy with my work. He worries they will say, "Well, there's someone who doesn't want to be here." and fire me, as if I go around at work saying, "Hey, I don't want to be here!" My boss says I do excellent work, but he knew that I was struggling with the stress of it. He was very supportive. Also, my husband doesn' t like that I take PTO when they are overstaffed with nurses. He says it makes it look to my boss like I don't care and I have a poor work ethic. I TRIED to explain that when they are overstaffed with nurses, SOMEONE needs to stay home, and I don't see if I have the PTO why I can't stay home. No one looks at you funny for that! I told the people at work about this, and they just laughed and said, "PTO is a GIFT!!! Take it if you can!!"

My husband lives his life in a state of worry, I guess. He's taking it out on me because I try not to. He says it doesn't appear to him that I take my work as seriously as I should, and that he's just spending everyday worrying he'll lose his job but I go about things as if I don't care. Nooooo, I just don't spend every waking moment trying to think up things to lick at the boss' heels so he won't fire me. I do a good job and I live my life. If layoffs come, I will bust my ass and find SOMETHING else someplace, but I am not going to live my life in fear and let my job control my life.

I am also an optimistic realist...my husband is a glass-half-empty kinda guy at all times, no matter what. He's always waiting for the second shoe to drop.

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