Jump to content
Tweety Tweety (New Member) New Member

Why my heart aches...

Lounge   (2,041 Views 11 Comments)
6 Followers; 49,799 Visitors; 27,978 Posts
If you find this topic helpful leave a comment.
advertisement

October 2, 2010

My heart is very heavy the last couple of days. I can't get dear sweet Tyler Clementi out of my mind. Not since the murder of Matthew Sheppard have I been so moved by the death of a young man. I'm also heavily burdened by the suicides of Billy Lus, Seth Walsh and Ahser Brown, whom all killed themselves to escape the pain of living with the daily humiliation from bullies, just this past month. These are the ones making headlines, but most of us know that gay teens have the highest rate of suicides of teenagers.

Probably I ache so deeply because I am these boys and they are me. The pain of my own childhood and teen years has come rushing back. As the resident sissyfag growing up I was taunted daily from 3rd grade to 12th.

Riding my bike to school I knew there was no escaping the bullies that waited for me, knocked me off of my bike, and told little kids to hit me and kick me and I let them. I was pulled into the principal's office and told to stop asking like a sissy and I wouldn't be picked on, because it was upsetting one of my teachers. Beatings, being spit on, and being called all sorts of names was a daily part of my life.

High school usually provided daily humiliations as well. Physical beatings mostly stopped but daily name calling happened every time between classes, all day long. Bullies would even call and harass my parents in the middle of the night. My sister and brother had to listen to people tell them "did you know your brother's a ***". Anyone that was associated with me was taunted too and soon I had no friends and walked the halls alone. I looked straight ahead, took it all in, and never said a word. I rarely missed school gathering many years of perfect attendance, as if to challenge myself to endure it all. I learned to hide my feelings, never talk about it, pretend it wasn't happening and put on a happy face for the most part. I was too ashamed to talk to my parents about it.

I wasn't seriously suicidal, but it did cross my mind, but mostly I accepted that because I was such a horrible person this should be my lot in life. I bought into it and internalized all that hate, thinking what a horrible person I was, what a horrible thing being homosexual must be, and I deserved everything that came my way.

For approval I got straight A's, and found some semblance of self-esteem in that. I won an award for best French student and it was the most humiliating experience in my life, because I had to walk in front of the student body, the principals and all the teachers while people laughed and called me all kinds of names..it was deafening. I feared graduation would be the same thing, and I dreaded graduation with all that was within me. However, if namecalling occurred, I didn't hear it. I was ranked in the 10 ten academically and was the only one in the top 10 that wasn't named an "outstanding senior". I know why.

When I came out at age 17, I acted out in many ways, staying out late, hurting my parents in the process. I enjoyed finally finding a group of people that accepted me. I ran away from home to leave the pain and sorrow of high school behind. It didn't work out and I nearly flunked out my senior year in the process.

There were some bright spots, and I did make some good friends along the way. Mostly girls, but that's how it is with gay boys. I didn't go to ball games didn't have much of a social life, and the only reason I went to the senior prom was because it was a closed prom and I was able to go with a friend whose boyfriend couldn't come (it was a safe date...thanks Connie).

When I learned to drink, after high school I was able to relax and make friends, and of course that brought a whole myriad of other problems. Being a social outcast did little to prepare me for being an adult.

Life of course went on and I grew up and face grown up problems. It took a long time for me to decide that I was really o.k. and that being gay wasn't an abomination. I was in my 30's before I decided someone could actually love me and had my first relationship. I decided that despite it all, I'm a nurturer, caretaker, empathetic and nonjudgmental.....which I suppose makes me a good nurse.

So Tyler, Billy, Seth and Asher and all the other bullied kids of the world, your pain is my pain. I wish I could go back in time and love you and give you strength, and let you know it will all be ok and that you are so loved.

Edited by Joe V

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is beautifully written and expresses your feelings well. Bless you and bless them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad you didn't harm yourself or take yourself out of the game. You bless so many people (including all of us here) with your presence.

I love you, Tweety. love.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

dear tweety,

 

i am so glad you stayed the course and kept going. you are now making a huge difference in this world. all the perfect attendance and straight a's paid off. i am sorry to hear there was discrimination of you when naming "outstanding seniors" in the top 10 academic performers.

 

you mentioned using some positive elements of nursing, which culminate professional success. as an rn, you are treating each individual, and your life experiences are no doubt saving troubled people. there is always the psychological element which an rn can instill as part of the patient's care plans, and this is what patients find extraordinary of a health care facility, as well as caregivers such as yourself. patient's body ailments can always be treated, so when those unmet psychological needs are finally (also) addressed by a sensitive caregiver, those touched, can leave the facility feeling "free and restored."

 

i recently reconnected with a male friend from my youth and learned he had such a time as yours, which caused him to endure several heart attacks. this has led me to become an advocate on these issues which you have addressed. i would like to add a resource on the subject of "bullying," it is the author jodee blanco, who writes books passionately. she also makes herself available via e-mail for someone who may be in distress, or who needs a trusted source to talk with.

 

kudo's to you tweety! so happy your purpose in life is playing out as it should be. i would love to have you for my nurse any day!

 

hugs,

j.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing a painful and difficult story with us. I am so glad that you made it. We need advocates and people with the Courage (with a capital C) to tell how discrimination, intolerance and cruelty affect our young people. Speaking out and coming out takes guts. Thank you for standing up. I admire you and I applaud your efforts. At this time of peace on earth goodwill to men I wish you a Merry Christmas!:tree:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
advertisement

awesome article. it was deeply personal and very moving. thank you for sharing -- i'm so sorry for all you had to go through. i'm glad you're still here so that we can all learn from you.

 

congratulations on your win!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

the only reason i found your article today, is r/t your post on fb...

and had to rush here to read it.

i hope you don't hate me for saying the following:

but i sat here, with a bittersweet smile on my face while reading your story.

while such experiences are almost unbearable, i believe these are what shaped you into the sweet, loving, sensitive man you are today.

and for that, i'm grateful.

you have clearly walked the walk, and anticipate you'll be some type of magnificent prophet by your life's end.

keep it going, darlin'.

what a blessing, to be you.

leslie xo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think there is much worse for a kid then being bullied. I just cannot understand why anyone would think it is ok to pick on another person in any way. My heart goes out to you and to all the kids who endure this every day. Unfortunately these kids grow up to be workplace bullies and society still accepts it and turns a stone face to it, blaming the victim instead. It is so pervasive in our culture, a survival of the fittest kind of mentality that continues to show that we are not above other animals, we ourselves are animals. The bully is not even satisfied when the victim surrenders, he must continue to torture until circumstances make him unable to access his victim any longer. If anything it makes us lower than animals. I am sorry that this happened to you and I am glad that you overcame it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well done, Tweety. You're a good bloke, and that, in OZ is high praise indeed.

There is ac feed on my table any time for you, and not many folks put their feet under my table.

Hooroo Michael

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for caring so much about others and many congratulations to you, Tweety! Wishing you all the best in the future, and hoping for love, peace and many blessings . :ancong!:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
×