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Ruby Vee Ruby Vee (Member)

Titanium Knee, Meet Treadmill

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The last couple of years have been rough. It was just shy of two years ago that I had the fateful mammogram . . . . Breast cancer was rough, but I must say my boobs are smaller, cuter and perkier than they would have been without the bilateral lumpectomy and reconstruction. That's a silver lining if there ever was one. And then, more recently, my bilateral knee replacements. The first one went fine, but the second one was a bit more -- challenging is a good word. A nice, positive word.

Three months out and I've just managed to pedal all the way around on the recumbent bike. Backwards. OK, that was a couple of weeks ago, but my Physical Therapist, whom I'll call Bea (because that should be her name, even if it isn't) was quite pleased. (I'm sure the thoughts going through her mind were something like "I thought I'd NEVER be able to discharge this one, but now there's light at the end of the tunnel.") Bea isn't my first PT -- the first one transferred to another clinic and I'm trying not to think I drove her away. Bea is young, fresh out of PT school and very upbeat and positive. Probably exactly what I need. So when Bea asked me the other day when I'd be returning to work, I answered "Not until I can lift 50 pounds."

She laughed, sure, I think, that I was joking. "No really," she said. "Do you have a job?"

"I'm a nurse."

"Oh, how nice," she said, glowing positivity and upbeatness. "Where do you work?"

When I told her I worked in an intensive care unit in one of the nearest large, inner city teaching hospitals (hello fellow Brighamites, you've all probably figured out who I am anyway!) she blanched a bit.

"Well," she said nicely, "You're a bit . . . . DECONDITIONED." Yes, that's a nice way of saying I'm old, fat and have muscles like jello. "We've got a lot of work to do to get you back to the ICU." And she suggested that I walk on the treadmill for five minutes a day and do 10 minutes on the recumbent bike. Only I can't do it there, at the PT clinic, because they'd have to charge me for the visit. That's when the idea of joining a health club came up.

Yes, I need reconditioning. And yes, a health club is a good idea. I'm still using a walker, though. And I laugh. "I'll just go in there with the walker and then instead of laughing at how pitifully little I can do, everyone will think I'm SO BRAVE for coming in at all." Maybe she thought I was kidding.

I had DH take me to the closest health club, which happened to be a Planet Fitness, to sign up. I went in with my walker and signed up. They didn't bat an eye. Nevertheless, when it came time to actually go to the gym to work out, I had my husband drop me off right next to the front door so I could walk in with my cane and (hopefully) be less conspicuous than I would have been with the walker. No one batted an eye as I limped in and went straight for the nearest treadmill. That's when the fun started.

Did you know they have treadmills that go less than 1 mph? I didn't. I was feeling positively FIT when I was able to hit the '+' button to up the speed a bit. That's when some gentleman who clearly did not work at the gym decided that I needed help. At 1 mph, I was struggling to keep up, but determined to make it through my 5 minutes. This helpful fellow, whom I'll call Dick leaned over my right arm and poked at the '+' button, telling me "This'll make it go faster."

"Thanks," I gasped, trying to reach the '-' button to make it go slower.

"No, really," said he. "You're not getting much of a workout."

Explaining that I wasn't really working out, I was rehabilitating from surgery didn't make much of an impression on him. He continued trying to be helpful. "This button here," he said, leaning over my left arm now "will make it go uphill." NOOOOOOOO!

I punched the "decline button" and rolled my eyes heavenward. About then, I saw my spouse watching from a nearby weight machine. He's just sitting there, dammit! Why couldn't he come and help?

"Say," Dick breathed, this time leaning over my right arm again. "Do you wanna go someplace quiet so I can give you some advice on your workout?"

What is this? I'm almost 60, I'm fat and I'm walking with a cane. And this guy wants to pick me up? And why is DH turning purple over there? He's not lifting any weight right there, and he's shaking suspiciously like he was laughing . . . .

"I'd love to," I cooed. "I haven't had sex in forever, and they have this new condom out now that is supposed to keep me from transmitting my syphilis. It's 80% effective!"

Dick disappeared. I haven't even been in the gym for five minutes and already I'm causing trouble. I can't wait to see what happens when I try out the recumbent bike!

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Thank you for the belly laugh this morning- On ya for still having 'it' at 60 years of age but I only have one question did you beat the snot out of your hubby after you got out of the health club? *snort* :roflmao:

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I just spit my coffee all over my computer...coffeescreen.gif.THAT is the funniest thing I ahve heard in a LONG time!!!!!!!!!!!!:roflmao:

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Great comeback!!! It must have been those perky new boobs that drew him in. And yes, DH needs to be slapped for laughing!

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Ruby, You're a hoot! :roflmao: Did your hubby marry you for the hilarious entertainment he can get out of you? I love your posts.

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Ruby, You're a hoot! :roflmao: Did your hubby marry you for the hilarious entertainment he can get out of you? I love your posts.

I thought he married me for my incredible beauty . . . . ;)

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