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"Let's Have A Wedding!"

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i have to say that i'm surprised that so many of my colleagues are so eager to have a wedding that they haven't seemed to give much thought to who they're going to be marrying! i guess it's not a new trend -- i've been seeing it my whole life -- but it seems pretty sad to me. what's bringing it to mind now is a colleague who is separated and considering divorce after less than a year of marriage. it was predictable.

 

tillie (not her real name) and torville (not his real name either) could never seem to find anything positive to say about each other when they were dating. even at the first blush of their relationship, they always had plenty of negative and not much positive to say about each other. we were all shocked when they bought a house together. "we were practically living together anyway," torville said. "so we figured we might as well pool our money and get a tax deduction."

 

the house was a neverending source of battles for the two of them. he procrastinated too much, she went out and painted the living room plum without consulting him, he would never make a decision if it were up to him, she was spending too much money on the house, he was a skinflint . . . it went on and on. and because i worked with both of them, i heard both sides. constantly. then they decided to "get engaged." "we already own a house together," tillie rationalized. "we're as good as married anyway. and i saw this ring i really liked."

 

for awhile, that seemed to be enough for them. and then someone else we worked with starting planning a wedding and the competition was on. if martha had plans to release a dozen white doves, tillie and torville had to have two dozen. or three dozen. if martha had 200 guests, tillie could think of 200 people from her side alone that she just had to invite. martha spent $1400 on her dress, tillie spent more. etc. etc.

 

torville even got into the wedding planning competition and as far as the honeymoon -- he had to have the best and most expensive. "we're already as good as married," said torville. "no reason not to go the whole way." and yet they fought constantly. the wedding was over and they were fighting about whether or not to have a child . . . until tillie "accidentally" got pregnant. (torville couldn't figure out how that happened.) but now the marriage is over, they're dividing up the wedding gifts, fighting over custody of the dog and the yet unborn child and trying to stick it to each other in terms of the property settlement.

 

doesn't it seem as though some people are far more interested in having a wedding than on having a marriage?

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doesn't it seem as though some people are far more interested in having a wedding than on having a marriage?

it would seem so, aeb our outrageous divorce rates.

it's embarrassing and so, so shallow.

however, i have known couples who bickered from day 1, and are still lovingly married decades later.

conversely, those who 'seem' compatible, are often those who are contributory to the high divorce rate.

i for one, was a young woman who married for very wrong reasons, and my decision to do so, reflected my immaturity.

marriage #2 though, while often turbulent, is definitely a keeper...

as it says, through thick and thin, til death do us part.

leslie

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"we already own a house together," tillie rationalized. "we're as good as married anyway. [/quote]

this is the problem. i have gotten into heated verbal disagreements with some never-married, long-term cohabitating friends that living together is the same as marriage. only those who ended up getting married saw the light. now, they argue on my side with the same friends!

for some reason--and even i can't explain it--that 'little piece of paper' that 'means nothing' turns into a big something once you have it!

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TOTALLY agree.

I tell ya, as much time as my husband and I spent together before we got married, until we had that 'little piece of paper' neither of us had any idea how much work a marriage was. And we'd even been to premarital counseling!!! In my heart of hearts I think some of this has been around since the beginning of time...but now that we live in a place where we can get information at the touch of a button on our phone, or a meal just by driving up to a box and telling it what we want, we forget that marriage and people don't work that way. It takes work, it is messy, and you don't always get your way. You are not going to 'win' every battle, and you will not always be right, and that things worth working for are damned hard sometimes.

I am fortunate that most of my coworkers are in stable relationships/marriages and have been for a while, so I have to listen to this talk only minimally.

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I understand what you mean. dd's sil is getting married in October. dd said all she is concerned about is being a bride; not a wife..thought that was quite a profound statement!

on the other hand; even living together does not make you know one another any better. dd#1 and her ex lived together and she thought they were happy...till he cheated. They had seemed very level headed planning etc.. and went into marriage "knowing it was work". he lied. :mad:

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If my boys get married, I know we will be expected to pay some of the wedding costs if they and their girlfriends decide to go that way, but I think I'll make the blushing couple a proposition: "I'll pay this cost OR if you decide to have something more low-key, I'll double it and you can use the cash to help pay for a house, furnishings, whatever you need. What do you want to do?"

I have never been a fan of big weddings--didn't have one myself, either--because they seem like a waste of money to me. People can spend their (and their willing parents') money the way they see fit, but if I'm expected to foot part of the bill, I'd give them a chance to make a more practical decision about it.

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i understand what you mean. dd's sil is getting married in october. dd said all she is concerned about is being a bride; not a wife..thought that was quite a profound statement!

on the other hand; even living together does not make you know one another any better. dd#1 and her ex lived together and she thought they were happy...till he cheated. they had seemed very level headed planning etc.. and went into marriage "knowing it was work". he lied. :mad:

at least your daughter went into it with the intent to make a marriage, not a wedding. she has no control over the way her ex behaved! i myself had similar problems with my first marriage. i thought at the time i was doing the right thing for the right reasons, but looking back on it i cannot believe how little i knew!

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doesn't it seem as though some people are far more interested in having a wedding than on having a marriage?

yeeeeeee-up. husband has seen this many times in couples who ask him to officiate at their marriage. he insists on premarital counseling. some couples refuse to get counseling and probably get someone else to marry them. other couples discover, during the course of their counseling, that they shouldn't get married.

ever watch bridezillas? it is my favorite guilty tv pleasure. either the women are psychotic, acting outrageously for the camera, poorly edited, or total flakes who are far more interested in picking the "right" flowers and their bridesmaids' nail art than in trying to plan their marriages. the grooms are like ken dolls---mere accessories and presumably replaceable. the important things are the ring! the dress! the drama! i think we've only seen one episode in which they showed the couple getting premarital counseling from their pastor.

i really should not watch the show---we don't even get it on our local cable so i only see it if we're out of town---but it's like a bad accident and i can't seem to avert my eyes from the carnage. but i think some people think that bridezillas is like a training manual for how to seriously plan a wedding.

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Hey, I'm LIVING the Bridezilla nightmare.........and she's not even MY daughter! Here's the scenario: son getting married in 13 months and 24 days (but who's counting, giggle, giggle), mother of Bridezilla already stressed so much that she's gained back 25 of the 80 lbs. she lost after gastric bypass, mother of groom wanting to boycott entire ceremony, Bridezilla herself changing her mind 50 times a day, trying to dictate form and function of both MOB and MOG's dresses (black, knee-length polyester suits in JULY?!), can't make up her mind about the wedding cake, the photographer, the music, the decorations, the reception, take your pick........but don't forget, it's all about her, and my son will just be the guy in the tux at the front of the church. :rolleyes:

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Just wait 'til the camera crews show up.....

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I guess I chose marriage over the wedding. 18 years ago, Dh and I got married with 200 other couples live on a rock and roll radio station on Valentine's Day. lol:redbeathe

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I guess I chose marriage over the wedding. 18 years ago, Dh and I got married with 200 other couples live on a rock and roll radio station on Valentine's Day. lol:redbeathe

I got married at a house in the neighborhood next to mine. It is a very, very small historical society, and I had been volunteering there for a few months prior to marriage. We got married under the big tree in the front of the house with a judge presiding with about 30 family/friends present.

The big tree is still there, so we all sometimes ride bikes together and stop under "our tree" for a rest. It's really nice to be able to show the kids where it all began like that.

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