Here's the latest...
My husband calls to say he's feeling SO MUCH BETTER because he just got word at work that some of the hospitals are joining together and saving the group he's working for. So it appears they will not lay off a bunch of people, at least not now. They may downsize anyway, because there are fewer hospitals in the group now, but it will either buy some time, or may possibly mean my husband's job isn't going away at all. So yes, this is wonderful...but...
I was so upset about this morning, that him being all happy made me madder! I said, "I'm glad you're feeling happier but I'M NOT!" and I cut loose, ladies and gentlemen. I told him it was crap that he talks to me the way he does, disrespects me the way he does, and if he thinks I'm going to spend the rest of my life feeling this way he is wrong. And I do mean it, it is not an idle threat. I told him that our marriage CAN fall apart, and will, because I would rather be alone than feel the way I have for a good part of our marriage.
Further, I explained that I am not having this "you only work three days." I said, that is full-time, you know, and then I come home to another full-time job waiting for me. He said he knew I did, but I wasn't in the mood for letting him speak. I asked him how he could possible expect me to believe that he loves me when he cuts me down at every turn? When I try to support him, encourage him to believe and think positively, he chops my legs out from under me? And on top of it all, he has no respect for me and leaves a filthy house for me to deal with and doesn't make a move to help. But I'm supposed to be so gratified that he's feeling better about things?
I went on for some time, letting him know that things WILL change, that and we WILL be looking into counseling because if we could have done this on our own we would have by now. It's not working and we need a mediator to help things out, and HE HAS TO EXPECT MORE OF HIMSELF! I informed him you don't get married and say, "I'll give a little bit of myself, I'll open my heart a little bit." You give ALL of yourself to have a good relationship. You give your heart and you make that person top priority and they should do that for you. But I pointed out that all he has gotten is a houseful of people who resent him and don't respect him because they know he can't be counted on.
Yes, I let it fly. He was pretty quiet for awhile, and he said he knew a lot of stuff needs to be changed, and that he'd TRY...that's where I stopped him. I said, "NO. We're not trying. Do you TRY to go to work? No, you do it because you need to because it is a priority. That's what this marriage has to be or it's not going to work. You have to do it, don't give yourself that OUT you always do with 'I'll try'."
He said. "I see what you are saying." which is something for him. At least he let me know he was listening and didn't withdraw. He said we will work on our marriage and he will do better. Only time will tell.
As for Dave Ramsey...hehehe, that's funny you should mention it. His work just started offering this and my husband is in the class! It's a good program, but unfortunately, I credit it for being one of the reasons my husband started obsessing about how much money we could cram into the savings account. Even though we are doing well with saving, he just let his anxiety climb and he took it out on me. But I do think it's going to be a great program for us, and we're going to get our finances in shape. Who needs that extra worry, after all?
So I'm feeling much better, much more empowered:yeah: I meant what I said to him, absolutely...life is too short if I can't have a partner to be married to...a real partner.
You guys are just the best...I'm so glad I came here for support!