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Hoosiernurse

Hoosiernurse

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  1. Hoosiernurse

    You ONLY work 3 days a week!

    Here's the latest... My husband calls to say he's feeling SO MUCH BETTER because he just got word at work that some of the hospitals are joining together and saving the group he's working for. So it appears they will not lay off a bunch of people, at least not now. They may downsize anyway, because there are fewer hospitals in the group now, but it will either buy some time, or may possibly mean my husband's job isn't going away at all. So yes, this is wonderful...but... I was so upset about this morning, that him being all happy made me madder! I said, "I'm glad you're feeling happier but I'M NOT!" and I cut loose, ladies and gentlemen. I told him it was crap that he talks to me the way he does, disrespects me the way he does, and if he thinks I'm going to spend the rest of my life feeling this way he is wrong. And I do mean it, it is not an idle threat. I told him that our marriage CAN fall apart, and will, because I would rather be alone than feel the way I have for a good part of our marriage. Further, I explained that I am not having this "you only work three days." I said, that is full-time, you know, and then I come home to another full-time job waiting for me. He said he knew I did, but I wasn't in the mood for letting him speak. I asked him how he could possible expect me to believe that he loves me when he cuts me down at every turn? When I try to support him, encourage him to believe and think positively, he chops my legs out from under me? And on top of it all, he has no respect for me and leaves a filthy house for me to deal with and doesn't make a move to help. But I'm supposed to be so gratified that he's feeling better about things? I went on for some time, letting him know that things WILL change, that and we WILL be looking into counseling because if we could have done this on our own we would have by now. It's not working and we need a mediator to help things out, and HE HAS TO EXPECT MORE OF HIMSELF! I informed him you don't get married and say, "I'll give a little bit of myself, I'll open my heart a little bit." You give ALL of yourself to have a good relationship. You give your heart and you make that person top priority and they should do that for you. But I pointed out that all he has gotten is a houseful of people who resent him and don't respect him because they know he can't be counted on. Yes, I let it fly. He was pretty quiet for awhile, and he said he knew a lot of stuff needs to be changed, and that he'd TRY...that's where I stopped him. I said, "NO. We're not trying. Do you TRY to go to work? No, you do it because you need to because it is a priority. That's what this marriage has to be or it's not going to work. You have to do it, don't give yourself that OUT you always do with 'I'll try'." He said. "I see what you are saying." which is something for him. At least he let me know he was listening and didn't withdraw. He said we will work on our marriage and he will do better. Only time will tell. As for Dave Ramsey...hehehe, that's funny you should mention it. His work just started offering this and my husband is in the class! It's a good program, but unfortunately, I credit it for being one of the reasons my husband started obsessing about how much money we could cram into the savings account. Even though we are doing well with saving, he just let his anxiety climb and he took it out on me. But I do think it's going to be a great program for us, and we're going to get our finances in shape. Who needs that extra worry, after all? So I'm feeling much better, much more empowered:yeah: I meant what I said to him, absolutely...life is too short if I can't have a partner to be married to...a real partner. You guys are just the best...I'm so glad I came here for support!
  2. Hoosiernurse

    You ONLY work 3 days a week!

    Thanks... I have written down lists before, he does none of it. I have written down things I do, but he sees it as me being attacking and withdraws. He doesn't ever want to go to counseling, I would have to go myself, and he doesn't want ME to go to counseling. He says counselors are what helped to confuse and mess up his first wife, I don't know what he's talking about. She had many childhood issues with incest she needed to work out, so I don't know if a counselor really did hurt things...I don't have all the info on that. I just know he's deadset against US going, or ME going. He also thinks it stigmatizes the person and goes on a permanent record somewhere that you required mental help. His idea for working on our marriage was to get a book. It's a good book, but as soon as it required some work, around chapter 3, it fell by the wayside. I'm not in the mood to go and get the book and plop it in his lap and demand he read the chapter, so there it sits on the shelf. Basically, anything that requires him to give much of himself is too much, which is where our marriage is at now. I know his work can be stressful, and I know he is scared that if he loses his job we could lose the house...it also scares him that he knows I'm not happy with my work. He worries they will say, "Well, there's someone who doesn't want to be here." and fire me, as if I go around at work saying, "Hey, I don't want to be here!" My boss says I do excellent work, but he knew that I was struggling with the stress of it. He was very supportive. Also, my husband doesn' t like that I take PTO when they are overstaffed with nurses. He says it makes it look to my boss like I don't care and I have a poor work ethic. I TRIED to explain that when they are overstaffed with nurses, SOMEONE needs to stay home, and I don't see if I have the PTO why I can't stay home. No one looks at you funny for that! I told the people at work about this, and they just laughed and said, "PTO is a GIFT!!! Take it if you can!!" My husband lives his life in a state of worry, I guess. He's taking it out on me because I try not to. He says it doesn't appear to him that I take my work as seriously as I should, and that he's just spending everyday worrying he'll lose his job but I go about things as if I don't care. Nooooo, I just don't spend every waking moment trying to think up things to lick at the boss' heels so he won't fire me. I do a good job and I live my life. If layoffs come, I will bust my ass and find SOMETHING else someplace, but I am not going to live my life in fear and let my job control my life. I am also an optimistic realist...my husband is a glass-half-empty kinda guy at all times, no matter what. He's always waiting for the second shoe to drop.
  3. Hoosiernurse

    You ONLY work 3 days a week!

    I think this would be wonderful, and a great suggestion, but my husband would have a stroke:eek: if I hired someone and caused us to have another bill at a time when he sees his worklife crumbling around him. It would be just one more THING I had done to cost us money rather than helping. Yes, it might force him into doing stuff, but you haven't seen how he acts when he is forced into doing stuff. He would probably help out, angrily, for a week or so, and then when I wasn't around he would get our girls to do the work instead. They would refuse after awhile, and then we'd back to where we were. It's a great idea, but forcing his hand has never had a favorable outcome. He just feels like the work was created to inconvenience him or something. I've threatened hiring a maid, and he always says, "NO, don't do that. We'll start cleaning up around here more." And then not one thing gets better. However, he expects the children to do their chores SPOT ON TIME. Go figger. Thanks for the idea, though...it's always a possibility...
  4. Hoosiernurse

    You ONLY work 3 days a week!

    You know, I hadn't thought of that. It's kind of being codependent on my part, isn't it? When I hurt and suffer over it all, then it makes it into a bigger thing that lasts even longer. Hmmm. Something to think about. Thanks. Hoosiernurse
  5. Hoosiernurse

    You ONLY work 3 days a week!

    Just reading some of these responses has made me burst into tears because I didn't realize how much I've been holding in. Now to see someone understands really broke open the dam, I guess. We do have several other issues. Way too many to get into right now. Just suffice to say that we seldom work together well, and now that he's under this kind of pressure, suddenly the cracks are showing more, if you know what I mean. He just sent me a forlorn email about how his alliance of hospitals is falling apart, which we knew, but I think he thinks that because I am not sick with worry all the time that I DON'T know. I know, I just don't choose to let it run my life. What good is being sick over it going to do? I prefer ACTION. Get the resumes out, get to networking, make something happen before it all falls apart! Don't sit around and tear up the ones who are at home supporting you. This is LIFE, and sometimes it gets hard. If we were better at working together, it would be different and we could weather it. As it is, when things get tough, my husband starts looking for a scapegoat to blame. I sent back an email saying that I had just done our bills, and that from my calculations he spends about 150 dollars a month at least on eating out at work. I take microwave meals on sale to save money. So, I told him that since we need to sock away as much money into savings as we can, it's time he take microwave meals. I know his cafeteria has a micro, and hey, that would put about as much money per month in the bank as say, oh, me working an EXTRA SHIFT. And that we might just need to stop taking such long hot showers in the mornings because our electric bill was out of this world. He takes at least a 20 minute soaker each morning. Let's see how he feels when the sacrifices are on him to get that extra money in the bank. I guarantee, he won't do any of it. As for me, I'm a full-time nurse and a full-time mom. I'm not doing anymore work and this is MY DAY OFF.:up:
  6. Hoosiernurse

    You ONLY work 3 days a week!

    I'm hurt and angry, and I didn' t know who else would understand but other nurses. My husband is facing lay-offs in the near future. I know it scares him and I know we have to bank money, which we are, but I guess not fast enough for him. He seems to resent my days off, even though I am the one doing all the bill-paying, grocery-shopping, cleaning at home and any child-related tasks for our three daughters. My husband has ALWAYS been of the opinion that my work can not be any more stressful than what he does dealing with computers and surly vendors in the IT world. He says that his work is every bit as life and death as mine. I have tried to explain to him that yes, if he doesn't get a computer working then on down the line someone might not get lab results or get their meds as fast, but it is NOT the same as what I do. He refuses to appreciate what kind of pressure I'm under on a fast-paced cardiopulmonary stepdown unit with people often circling the drain. Even though he gets every weekend off and does almost nothing during them, I'm apparently supposed to work my 3-12's (which I'm sorry, but 12 hour shifts kill me. We live an hour away from the hospital, and it ends up being a 14-15 hour day for me when I work one. I start counting the moment I have to get out of bed and get ready, the drive, etc. It's all part of it!) and then now, because I have so much extra time off during the week, pick up more shifts to make more money. I am tired of coming home sore, miserable and exhausted to no food and a dirty house to be told that I surely can pick up MORE shifts! Anyone else have to cope with a spouse who never gets how hard nursing is, or won't get it, and thinks it's a great deal to work ONLY 3-12's and have four days off a week? Just venting...feeling pretty unappreciated and blue. I was a stay at home mom for 14 years and it has been a really hard adjustment to become a nurse. I have doubted my sanity a number of times. Now I just feel underpaid and undercared about so I can have my ass run off for 12 hour shifts and get told at home I ought to work more and put more money in savings. :crying2: Hoosiernurse
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