I highly recommend this book and these authors:
Amazon.com: Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) (9781576839300): Foster Cline, Jim Fay: Books
We have a great friendship with our six grown kids, but this did not come without scrapes and sparks and gnashing of teeth along the way. Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is stop rescuing and nagging and scolding and start changing into a consultant. You can be a soft place to fall (to a point), but you have to remember that they need to own their own problems. That's not to say that you can't ever help them. Only that you can't force help on them and the help has to be on your terms.
Once they realize that the problems are theirs, the whole dynamic changes.
We think we are caring for them when we rescue, but ultimately we are sparing them the very pressures that will help them grow up. If we choose to assist them in solving their problems, it will be because they have treated us with respect, taken ownership of the situation, and invest something of themselves in finding a solution--not because they have had a tantrum, screamed at us, and played the guilt card.
We told our kids that our love was unconditional, but our friendship was not. If they were obnoxious beasts or lying sneaks, they were not our friends because that is not the way a friend treats you. Years later, our kids said that got through to them, even when they didn't always show it. We weren't cold toward them, just matter-of-fact. When they realized that friendship with mom and dad meant something to them and that it could be lost for a time, they began to see us differently, as people who had choices about companionship, not just doormats with car keys and credit cards.
Even when things were tense, every once in a while, one or both of us would declare a temporary truce and we'd go out for dinner or watch a movie with the problem child(ren). For just that little while, we had fun and remembered the good things about being in a family. The next day, we'd pick up where we left off but maybe not quite so tense or distant.
When kids think parental assistance is a guarantee, they sometimes don't appreciate it. In fact, they can downright abuse it. But when they are given the message that we can and will take distance from their abuse, they usually see that there is a price to be paid for continued dishonesty and bad treatment.
To be clear, I am not saying that we lowered the boom over every bit of teenage moodiness. Heavens, there wouldn't have been room in the doghouse at that rate, and Dad and I had our moments, too. But we did set limits with long-term, sustained bratty attitudes, dishonesty, and chronic mistreatment. If they earned discipline at school or in other arenas we commiserated but did not rescue them.
We have a good relationship with all of them now and sometimes hear them setting boundaries and insisting on family respect with our g-kids.
Let me add that when you have a kid who is isolating, you take the kind of distance that keeps you from being bitten, but you do not agree with the isolation. This can indicate substance abuse or serious depression. We were always on the lookout for things like that and several of our kids saw counselors when that became necessary.
With six kids, I can tell you, what works for one might not work with another. You have to be dedicated and creative. And you can't be worried about whether they like you or not. If you're doing your job, there will be times when they don't.
Check out this book. Literally. Many libraries have it. And these guys have books for younger kids, too.
I wish you and your family the best.