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NurseCherlove

NurseCherlove

RN - staff nurse in "the trenches"
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Posts by NurseCherlove

  1. I do plan on having kids (although I'd better hurry up - tick, tick!) and I'll say this: One perv lays one finger on my child, he's a dead man, by MY hand! Yep, I said it, and I mean it!

  2. NurseCherlove!

    I'm so very happy for you both!!! I really am. There are some gems out there, just hard to find, I guess!

    Aww, thanks! Well, it's crazy...we have the same birthdays (not year - he's 14 years older than I am).

    But it doesn't stop there...His father and my mother have the same birthdays and my father and his mother have the same birthdays! Pretty strange, eh?

  3. I met a doc while on the job and I'm still with him 3 years later. We are completely in love. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and I to him (he tells me so all the time). After 3 years, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him walk through the door. PM me if you'd like to talk more...

  4. nursecherlove,

    what i hear you saying is:

    "well, he works hard, so he is grouchy alot" lots of people work long hard hours, but they don't come home and take it out on the cat, the dog, or the wife.

    "he thumped the cat....because he hates her being on our bed and we had been 'discussing' this for many days now" his way of coping is to react physically to an issue that he cannot resolve like an adult in control of himself.

    "he puts down my colleagues because he believes he's much smarter".....putting someone's friends/profession down in order to elevate themselves is a classic sign of someone who is self-loathing and anger driven, not to mention operating from a position of very low self esteem.

    "he believes his social standing is way above others simply because he makes more money." men who equate money and status with worth are very deranged and misguided. if you don't make equal money as he does, what do you think his opinion of you is????

    i wonder if you have ever asked yourself what part of you has such a need to be devalued, disenfranchised, diminished, and destroyed emotionally by such a character as this?

    you are making excuses for his bad behaviour....and while it may be small potatoes now, in a few years, you will be nothing more that chattel to him... i can speak not only from experience, but from over 100 domestic violence victims that i have both counseled and come in contact with....some of this may also be cultural on his part, because women in india are not looked upon as equals to men, and they are often abused by their husbands, brothers, fathers, and in-laws. have you ever heard of the women who purposely set themselves on fire in order to get away from the abuse in india? it is called sati/the practice of widows who would set themselves on fire when their husbands died....many were not voluntary...many were forced to be burned alive, because families did not want another mouth to feed...and this practice although "outlawed" exists...india has one of the highest rates of wife/child abuse in the world and is on the watch list for human rights groups all over the world. this is the culture you are now dealing with.

    if he is this "bothered" by a cat's normal behaviour, what reaction do you think you can count on when something really big comes along?

    when i was in the throes of the abuse in my own relationship, i was alot like you, making excuses why he reacted the way he did. the dog would go running upstairs and hide under the bed everytime he started on a rampage. the issue could have been something as innocuous as running out of cream for his coffee, or leaving a door ajar, or the cubs losing a baseball game! this usually escalated into a stomping rage whereby he would throw whatever was handy in his hands...coffee cups, hammers, rocks, kitchen knives....our house looked like a bomb went off.when i look back at how i constantly made light of his attitudes, behaviours, reactions, and excused them away as just 'having a bad day, being tired, etc.', i realize i was actually enabling him to behave that way. i was truly afraid of living alone, so i made room for his bad manners, bad behaviour, abuse.....and i believe for myself anyway, that for the seven precious years of my life that i will never get back, i wasted them all on someone who was not at all concerned about my pets, my life, my feelings, my health, or my needs.....it was all about him. and now he wants spousal support for life!!

    the selfish flags are waving here...please pay attention to them.

    it is true that your situation is not mine, and that quite possibly he truly is a good person who is, like you say, just under alot of pressure and fatigue from work....and that you are unlucky or lucky enough to see him at his worst....but i wonder, do you want a daily dose of this kind of thing for the rest of your life? you need to understand that what people do around us, affects us...good or bad....how do you think it will make you feel when he mistreats you, and then in the next breath, fawns all over a colleague he wishes to impress? over time, this will change who you are, until you no longer recognize yourself. you will discover that you are confused, hurt, damaged, and finding the real you again is next to impossible....

    people who cannot handle even the slightest difficulty in life and who are so rigid that they expect everyone else around them to bend are not good partners...truly.

    if you stay with this man, be prepared to do all the bendin'....

    crni

    wow! where do i begin?? i think first, highest praises to you for your utterly selfless passion for protecting women from the obvious hell you have endured. i wish there were more people with your passion and insight. i knew, however, when i wrote that last night that many would see it as 'making excuses' for his behaviors. indeed, he has some behaviors that are not so desirable. but one thing about him is that, believe it or not, he is adaptable in his thinking. he may not get it the first time or even the fifth (he is a man after all :lol2: ), but he does treat me as an equal in that he will loosen his mindset and listen to what i have to say, most of the time.

    more about him....this man actually puts mothers and kids on some kind of pseudo-god pedestal...no kidding. this used to bother me because i started getting the feeling that while yes, he loves me, he will value me more when i am the mother of his children - and i just wanted to have an absolute value, just for my mere existance, not because i give him children.

    also, believe it or not, he does respect and think highly of nurses in general. i'm pretty sure when he said that yesterday, he was inquiring about whether or not 'just any 'ol joe' (read: general public) was responding. now there have been times when he is on call and he will get a page, get off the phone, and shake his head, and mutter, "stupid". and when i ask him what the nurse wanted....honestly, it was a stupid call. i have also heard him say, "wow, sharp nurse", etc. as well. and nurses, just for the record, i try to help us out with little things like telling him, "honey, please don't order demerol iv q6h and then phenergan iv q4h - please order them on the same time frame so the nurses aren't constantly running" (remember, i work med/surg). and, "please don't write to call you with results - instead, please write to call if results are abnormal", etc. i have noticed that he has incorporated some of my 'pro nurses' suggestions into his communications.

    i can tell you that this man is no more judgemental than the average person. why? because he knows what it is like to be judged on stupid agendas....being from india, he can tell you that the caste system is still still flagrantly in operation there. what that means is that an individual with a 'non-elite' last name is strongly discouraged from becoming anything else other than the 'approved' professions for that last name (carpenter, janitor, etc.). people there in india still judge you and your worth as a human being based on your last name - even if you 'broke the rules' and became a physician like he did!!!! now, i'll have to check on this with him about whether or not this still goes on today (i think he said it does in remote parts?), but he has told me that because of this crazy social system of theirs, people of a 'lower caste' would be killed for things like reading a book!!!!!!

    sorry to go off on a tangent there. another thing right quick....haley only growls if he gets real close to her and he starts talking abrasively to her. i do think he is kinda like a bratty little kid who enjoys aggravating the animal who he now knows hates him (which indeed he caused) and he can get 'rialed up'. and while that is still not acceptable and will have to change, it is not the same as downright abuse. i can tell you honestly, if i even had an inkling that he did stuff like kick my cat, etc., i would first beat him to a pulp (i've scrapped with a few guys before) and then he would be out of my life forever!

    but back to the lovely lady this reply was intended for....thank you, a thousand times, thank you, for your concern. i will heed your (and others') warnings and scrutinize him more closely, as i don't want to end up miserable. i'm 35 y/o and have never been married. it won't kill me to wait several more years if need be. in fact, it kinda sticks in my mind, the many older female patients i've cared for who have said that they would never get married again because they are much happier being single.

    whew, my fingers are tired!

  5. I have one that likes to lick my nose! He has been fond of that since he was a kitten.

    I also had one, (now deceased........strangely, of acute renal failure!) that liked to suck on my ear lobe. That is actually why I adopted him.....he snuggled up on my shoulder, purred loudly, and started sucking my ear.

    I have only read up to page 4 of this thread because I just worked 3 13.5s in row. I HAVE to comment about this germ obsession.

    OP is asking about germs. OK, I am a transplant recipient. I had SEVEN cats at the time of my transplant. My immune system was in the crapper.....literally, my absolute neutrophils were almost zero and my WBC count was

    There is a simple blood test for toxiplasmosis in cats. I had all 7 tested for it and all 7 were negative. Some of my cats sleep with me. All lay on my bed. I am now routinely walking around, working in ICU with many patients with MRSA, VRE, ESBL, with a WBC in the 4's. Common sense, hand washing, standard precautions, PPEs, all help me from getting ill. Infections contracted from any animals(zoonosis)+work=0. It's been 7 years since my transplant

    I only have 4 cats now, (attrition rate), and have 2 dogs. All are rescue animals. My life would not be complete without my beloved animals.

    Your boyfriend wanted some medical facts; that's the facts. I am living proof.

    ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!!!!! Now THIS is the post I will show him! Also seeing that your friendly transplant surgeon is also a cat owner will give this story even more credence to him. I just want him to stop looking at my cat as a walking vector and see her for the loving lil baby that she is.

    Thank you so much for sharing this with me!!

  6. Time for an update! Haley will be allowed to stay in the house, just not in the bedroom.

    Guys, I really do appreciate all of the replies, but I think this thread has become seriously mutated from the original concern. I say that because the net effect of this thread has been that my fiance is a some kind of villain. True, I abhor his attitude towards my cat, but that does not make him a bad person. Yes, lightly popping my cat on the head the other night was very wrong...however, what you guys don't know is that he has CONSTANTLY for the past 2 years been complaining about me letting her sleep on the bed with me, telling me to make it stop. So I think in his mind, I am choosing the cat over him on this issue, which has to be hurtful since he knows I know how much it bothers him. To tell you the truth, if I would have given in a long time ago and stopped her from sleeping with me, he probably never would have yelled at her or acted in an intimidating manner towards her.

    And yes I did say that he was highly critical...he admits this flaw in his personality. Conversely though, he is also VERY quick to point out good qualities in others. What can I say, the man gets grouchy...he works like a dog and I am pretty much always seeing him at his worst.

    And about the med school jealousy comment...let me clarify...he was actually already a practicing doctor (in India), but he had to go through some kind of residency again over here in the states to be eligible to sit for the boards here. Well, he is highly intelligent...he had one of the highest scores on his board exams. And since many docs are ego-maniacs, you can only imagine how some of those professors would respond to "the know-it-all Indian guy". Just because those guys had the status and prestigious title does not mean that they always acted professionally, especially when another's smarts may have been recognized within the context of their erroneous thought processes.

    Probably rambling a bit by now, as it's very late (or early?) here, so, I think I'll continue this tomorrow. And of course, Haley is right here beside me now as I type ;)

  7. Wow! I gotta say that when I started this thread, I really did not expect it to have me once again doubting my relationship.

    I know I have been in some kind of denial because I have been alarmed at Haley's reaction to him...she growls and hisses if he comes close to her. She hides under the coffee table and will not come out when he is here and she normally wants to be in any room I am in most of the time.

    The sad part is that I really do love this man. He calls me his soulmate often. We even share the same birthdays. To boot, his mother has the same b-day as my dad, and then my mother has the same b-day as his dad....pretty bizarre, eh?

    Aside from the main issue here (which is a huge deal and potential dealbreaker), he actually has many redeeming qualities, with his main one being his philosophy of just doing good to people.

    He is a highly critical person and I harp on him about his needing to keep this in check. But, he is also very loving.

    Before meeting him, I always adhered to the idea that I did not trust people who don't like animals. That has somehow receded in importance.

    He says he likes animals, but that it is purely a hygienic concern with him. I made him one time "pet" her and he did it in such a rough manner which did not help since she has been hating him for a long time. Of course, he went right away after that and washed his hands.

    I guess I just wish I could have them both the way I want it!

  8. I do hope if you break up with him that you'll take Miss Haley to another location before you tell him. Men like this have a greater chance of getting mad/abusive at breakup and lashing out. Based upon the things you have told us, I would not be surprised if he threw little Miss Haley against a wall or kicked her when you have "the talk" with him.

    And if that were to happen, there would be a HORRENDOUS scrap! Indeed, the tom-boy, hoodlum in me would definitely come on out! I would beat that man senseless!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Oh believe me...Miss Haley ain't goin nowhere. She is my 4-legged child. She's the best cat I've ever known, and I've known literally 100's.

    I just talked to 'the man' on the phone and told him about this thread. His first question was about you all's social background. Then he went on to say that well over half of America has a sub-par level of intellect. He's mad that I have posted our personal lives here. I told him I did not intend for it to start this way, that I was just seeking some kind of direction on obtaining scientific info. to rebut his argument about my kitty posing a health hazard.

    I do have to agree that there probably is some kind of control issue here...just thinking about things like when he shakes his head in apparent disdain that I bought her some expensive cat treats or something. Why should that bother him that I splurge on her?

    I tell him all the time that I must really love him because if it were any other guy, he'd be right out the door!

  10. Even if he tapped the cat lightly on the head, it is a violent gesture. It's a warning. I know this may sound like an over-amplification, but I see it as potentially significant.

    This topic makes me think of the men I have dated who had dogs. I am not particularly fond of dogs myself. But you know what? Because I was dating them (and in two cases loved the guys) I was kind and respectful towards the dogs. They should not have to suffer because I just don't care for them too much. In addition, because I cared about the guy - I cared about what was important to him. Even if I didn't. Know what I mean? IMHO, that is love.

    Absolutely agree with everything you just said.

    I have even brought that very point up...."Why can't you find some kind of love for something that has brought me so much comfort over the past few years?" (which is very significant because he knows I've had somewhat of a rough life). I think he should love "by association". The other night, I likened this very concept to a story he told me about how a lot of the med school professors were out to get him during his residency (out of jealousy), but that there was this one who stuck up for him and gave him the accolades he deserved during this tough time. As a result, I don't even have to know that guy, but I really think very highly of him just for him having done that for my honey, which was the right thing to do.

  11. :sofahider

    Weighing in here with trepidation . . . . .

    My husband and I both like animals but we like them outside for the most part. We do not like animals on the furniture or the beds especially. My husband mentions "dog butt" or "cat butt" whenever he sees a show on tv with the animals up where humans lay their heads. ;)

    We've bopped our cat - she chases you up the stairs and bites your ankles. We've used a spray bottle to keep her off the counters and furniture.

    Our dog sleeps in a kennel outside but is allowed in the house. Just not in the bed.

    I agree with your boyfriend - but I can see that puts me in a minority. I just hate to see someone licked in the face by an animal after they have licked their tush.

    I don't think it is OCD either . . . . just a difference in preferences.

    Good luck.

    steph

    I hear ya....I mean, I know he does actually have some valid points, but as one poster put it....having lived with animals for most of my life, I'm still alive.

    I use the term OCD loosely...I don't really mean that he has a clinical dx of OCD.

  12. Ha Ha! You guys are making me laugh! Fact of the matter is that I did, once upon a time at the tender age of 18, ditch a guy who worshipped the ground I walked on for a cat (he was allergic).

    Gennaver...You may be onto something there...we got into it the other night because he went to use the bathroom and she was in there. She froze when she saw him (she is terrified of him). He started yelling at her to get out and I told him not to yell at her and went in to get her. Then he had the audacity to lightly pop her on top of the head and call her 'spoiled'. Then I punched him in the arm a few times and the fight ensued.

    He has often said I am co-dependent on the cat. He says he is allergic because his nose gets plugged up from lying down anywhere near where she has been. Then of course that turns into a statement of how inconsiderate I am for allowing her to sleep on the bed with me, causing his nose to be plugged up. And on and on and on.:o

    I have reminded him, like a previous poster mentioned, that we live with microbes all around us, but he has a comeback about cats being carriers for specific pathogens, etc.

    One guy I dated for a long time at least wanted to work with me...He had a chow-mix dog who would have loved to shred Haley. Well, since both were indoor pets, he talked about making some kind of contraption where the cat could walk along the upper part of the wall towards the ceiling so that his dog could not get to her.:lol2:

  13. I know there are a lot of cat lovers here (myself included) so I wanted to get some desperately needed advice....Here is my problem: I have lived with cats all my life. My current kitty has been with me for 13 years and I love her (Haley). Now, my fiancee is a very OCD MD who freaks out when Haley is on the bed. Well, this cat has slept with me for 13 years. My man, however, has all of these arguments about how non-hygienic cats are and he is especially apalled when she is on the bed. My kitty is the main source of 95% of our arguments. I try to tell him that cats bathe daily and that their saliva has powerful enzymes, etc., but nothing changes his mind. One of his biggest argument is that she tracks germs from the litter box...I have to admit that one is a hard one to dispute. Another big one is that her anal germs are spread when she sits down because of the anatomy of a cat's rear (also hard to dispute). I'm desperate here! How can I make this man more animal-friendly??? He says that when we get married and live together that he is fine with having animals as long as they are kept outside!!!! Let me tell you...this man is so OCD that he will not even walk around my apt with bare feet - he puts on shoes straight out of the shower. I tell him he is a freak all the time (jokingly of course). What can I do?? I love animals and I cannot imagine a life without them IN my abode.

    ANY advice, or better, hard, scientific evidence that he is wrong, would be greatly appreciated!

  14. And let's not forget good ol' SYNCOPE.

    Octreotide is a pretty good one too.

    On the note of names for children....I swear if it did not mean what it means, I would name my future daughter Jaundice. Ya gotta admit, if you can forget the yellow, martian-looking person picture that comes to mind, it really does have a nice ring to it.

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