I'm in love right now. At least that's what my best friends say. I'm starting to believe them. Those songs that say things like "I can't get you out of my head" are starting to make me feel hypocritical for calling their authors 'saps'. There's a girl that I can't stop thinking about. Unfortunately, her mind brakes just fine when it comes to me. Granted, she finally admitted she does like me, and she thinks I could be perfect for her, but then she added she's scared of commitment and she doesn't want to date. Then she moved 8 hours away for school. I picked up work for the past few days to try to keep my mind busy. It helped some, but every daydreaming moment I got, I thought about things like how cute she is when she picks her nose and doesn't think I'm watching. Or how incredibly human and honest she can be. How loving she is to everyone. How she gets hyper-frustrated over the tiniest things, yet doesn't let big bummers bother her. How she dances like some sort of bird in a mating dance, but she doesn't care how goofy she looks. How I know exactly what she's thinking 80% of the time, and the other 20% of her thoughts come from some place like Venus which keeps me constantly intrigued. Are you starting to get the picture?
So I'm moping around work like a fish out of water... and not that fresh fish out of water, but the one that's been sitting on the dock for way too long and might flop around once or twice, but mostly just moves its mouth open and closed. Yeah... that fish.
I walk into one of my "favorite residents ever"'s room (doesn't exactly roll off the tongue) to help her get ready for bed. Wait a second. She's already in bed. And she looks ... terrible. Now that I think about it, she never got out of bed today. And her family has been there the past few days non-stop. It crept up on me like a slimy lizard scaling my back to whisper in my ear, "She's dying. Quickly. And you had no idea because you were too busy mourning your own problems." Her family takes the opportunity of me being there to take a break, smoke a cigarette, get some water. Alone with her, I start helping her with her night routine as I've done so many times. The room is quiet. You know, that real-world quiet that's hard to capture in film and stories. As she comes in and out of consciousness, eyes rolling back then coming to attention, breathing her shallow breaths, and me busy fighting back tears of sadness, and guilt, I tell her I love her. She says she loves me too.
I don't want to be someone that thinks so much about their own life that they miss what's going on around them. I'm in love with her. Yes. But I'm also in love with the world. With the flowers and the lightning bugs. I'm in love with almost everyone around me. And I want to be present for those people when they need me.
Not much of a discussion piece.
Just a guy sharing his heart.
What's left of it anyways.