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GrumpyRN

Retired Emergency Nurse Practitioner

Retired ENP. 35+ years of experience. From Scotland.

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  1. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    I am only in my mid 60's. The 87 in my last post was just a number for effect.
  2. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. OK, watch from 0:15.
  3. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    Just had a thought.... Why do you think I am Grumpy? A trial is taking place in Mississippi. The defendant is a sweet grandmotherly type. Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!” Defense Attorney: What happened? Little Old Woman: That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the son of a b*tch!
  4. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. “You’ve got to be kidding,” he said. “I’m almost 60 years old.” The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.” “What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked. We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told. “I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said. The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck. “Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam. “Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”
  5. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    I don't know, there is some grey haired, fat old guy following me. I see him in shop windows but when I turn around he isn't there.
  6. GrumpyRN

    Presidential Election 2020

    What do you expect from a draft dodger who thinks he is Rambo and John Wayne rolled into one? ETA, I am not getting at those who did not want to go to Viet Nam - I was around at that time and if UK had been involved I could very easily have been called up and would have had severe second or third thoughts. It is his whole attitude that he is tougher than EVERYBODY else.
  7. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    Is that the same as in ALS courses where you are told to put the electrode below the nipple but where it was when the patient was 15? Not around the belly button.
  8. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    Eeeeeww!
  9. GrumpyRN

    Wednesday January 1, 2020

    Happy New Year and all the best for 2020 from Scotland. My wife was(is) working an early shift today so I brought in the New Year alone. It is now 2pm here and I am heading off to visit family soon. I will repeat the wishes I gave last year and add something to it; "Here's tae us; wha's like us? Damn few - and they're a' deid!" and of course "Lang may yer lum reek." https://www.scotsman.com/lifestyle-2-15039/best-scottish-phrase-1-1148412
  10. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    Thought I would lighten the mood with some mother-in-law jokes Getting my mother-in-law to accept a free foreign holiday was easy. The hard part was convincing her Dignitas was Swiss for spa. First man: “My mother-in-law is an angel.” Second man: “You’re a lucky fella, mine’s still alive.” An anagram of mother-in-law is woman Hitler. A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him “there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us.” The husband said, “who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?”
  11. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    No thank you, I have already had one. Hated me on sight and stopped speaking to us years ago.
  12. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    Oh dear. Best of luck and have a good and happy christmas.
  13. GrumpyRN

    The President Donald Trump Thread

    Thanks Tweety, that's 14 minutes of my life I'm not getting back. It is interesting to see the thought processes of some people - scary as well. Trump as saviour is just astounding.
  14. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Shows you it works.
  15. GrumpyRN

    Game of Groans

    Talking of elephants, why do elephants paint their toe-nails red? So they can hide in cherry trees.
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