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  1. uswoman

    I need advice pertaining to my mom...

    We really don't know Jim's side of this story, nor do we know how he felt about this relationship with your mother. (I really don't see how people can be judging Jim without knowing ALL the facts.)But that aside, about the only thing you can do is be supportive, offer the shoulder and help her move on. Again, I offer the advice of counseling for your mom. I do know from experience that it does help. And as far as small families, I have one sister who is several years older and lived most of her life several hundred miles away, so we were never close. My dad passed away 16 years ago after a long and debilitating illness that left him in a vegetative state for the last 8 years of his life. I just lost my mom at age 91 a few months ago. She was the youngest in her family so even my cousins are much older than me (the youngest cousin is 72 and in a nursing home). I have my two adult sons who have their own lives, with the older one married, the younger one engaged. All of my father's family is gone. I was married for many years to a man who has a mental illness and I believed "if only I did....." everything would be okay. So I know all about trying and trying to make a marriage work. So, yeah, counseling can really help. Last, I remember reading an article once that talked about "falling in love" and we do "fall". The hard part is getting back up again. But just like when we were all small and fell and scraped our knees, we cried a little, but then the hurt went away and we got up and walked and ran again. Maybe they were a little sore and stiff, but the more we walked, the better it was. And so it is with love. We "fall" in love, and then sometimes we get hurt, but the thing is to learn from it. Your mom is a survivor, and she will get through this, it will just take time.
  2. uswoman

    Long Distance Relationships

    How's this for long distance: Cincinnati, OHio, and Northland, New Zealand. I met my partner online when he was working in the states, a few years ago. I wasn't looking for love, so he found me. Well, after a lot of months of separation, hundred of hours on the phone, and working out lots of details - here I am living in New Zealand, still with my partner and just enjoying life as it comes at me. Yeah, they can work.
  3. uswoman

    The basic rules for clotheslines

    Move to New Zealand. When you look at pictures of property for sale, often times there is a picture of the clothesline in the back yard! We also use "tank water" here - rain water collects on the roof and goes in to a big tank, comes into the house via a pump through a filter. So, I wash everything in rain water, and hang it in the fresh air (and I do mean fresh as we are only a few kilometers from the Pacific Ocean) to dry. Soft and smells just heavenly. No fabric softner can compare! I don't own a dryer, and this is not unusual. Not the most convenient but I have an indoor drying rack I can put up and things will dry overnight. Oddly enough - some of those same "rules" seem to apply. Plus, the longest lines are on the outside of a square shaped line so that's where the sheets go, effectively hiding the "unmentionables"!
  4. uswoman

    I need advice pertaining to my mom...

    I am looking at this from the perspective of a mature woman, and a mom with adult sons, one of whom happens to be named Andrew. First of all, your mom needs to stop looking for "a man to take care of her." And second, she needs to run her own life. I would be appalled if one of my children got into the workings of my relationships with any man, as you have. She is a grown woman and should not be looking for someone protect her and intervene in relationships when things go wrong. With three failed marriages and this relationship down the drain, I sincerely think your mom needs some counseling. Just like women who are abused keep getting into abusive relationships, she is attracted to, and sending out signals to, the "wrong kind" of men. Again, I am speaking from experience here. After a particularly bad breakup, I decided there were a lot of common threads in the relationships I had since I was divorced. (And I was married for over 20 years to my ex-husband. I consistantly chose men with the same characteristics, including my ex-husband. Now I look at things differently, believe me.) If your mom continues to make the same mistakes over and over, you can expect her to "get hurt" by men who use her, over and over. While it sounds like the men she married had their own issues, she is also the one that chose to be in those relationships and to stick around and try to "work things out". Most of what has happened to her is indeed, her own fault if she chooses to let it continue. Your mom should not be putting this responsibility on you, either. She sounds like she missed some maturity lessons along the way. It is NOT your responsibility to see that your mom is in the dating scene or has friends or even if she is happy or not! She should be the one you come to with problems or to seek advice and not the other way around. But, to put it bluntly, you need to butt out of this part of her life, no matter how close you are. Seriously, I hope you mom (and you, too) seek some counseling or you will wind up neglecting your own life and relationships in order to "take care of your mom".
  5. uswoman

    A Letter to Gastric Bypass Patients.

    Wow, I have to say I was shocked by the OP's opinions. But, morbidly obese people are the last group that can be openly discriminated against, publicly humilated and looked down upon as lesser human beings because we are so overweight. I include myself in this group, as I was morbidly obese - until I had gastric bypass surgery in 2002. I have never had any complications. I was back at work on post op day 12 because I was bored and tired of being at home. At one month post op, I was on a motor coach to Florida with a high school marching band to Disney World and other parks, and I had a blast! The decision to have gastric bypass surgery took me a year to make. And then, reputable surgeons do a good job of screening and teaching patients before actually agreeing to do the surgery. (We called it "jumping through hoops" and if you really were determined to have this surgery, you would do what you needed to to get there.) It's not an easy decision that anyone makes. Everyone who contemplates having weight loss surgery KNOWS they are high risk to begin with! We know morbid obesity will kill us; we know the surgery can kill us - but we reach for that chance to really LIVE. If you have never been morbidly obese, you cannot understand this. All that being said, if we "decided" that a minority of people who have serious complications as a result of surgery means we should not do that surgery, then perhaps there should be no more elective surgeries. How many open heart surgery patients have had serious complications? Perhaps if they just changed their diets or lifestyles, they wouldn't need those bypasses. If I had to have gastric bypass surgery again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. It gave me back my life. What disturbs me more is that judgemental attitude. I guess experience has taught me that I'm not perfect, I don't live a perfect life, so I am in no position to judge the decisions others make, whether it be for gastric bypass surgery or lifestyle or anything else. What a sad, sad attitude for a nurse!

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