I understand how you're feeling.
My husband is currently in outpatient rehab for an oxycontin addiction. While he was getting high at work, spending $30 a pill, three pills a day, I was taking back pop bottles to take my kids to the doctor. I was selling all of my stuff on craigslist just to try to get a little cash. We fell behind on our house payment and all of our other bills did not get paid. I had no idea that he was taking these drugs. He changed so much yet I was so nieve the entire time.
Finally, last spring, he hit rock bottom and told me everything. He asked me to help him. I did. I found an addiction specialist and a drug counselor for him. He had to make the appointments, which he did the day he told me. After the shock wore off, I became so angry. So angry at him for lying to me, stealing from our family, and risking the chance of my children and myself waking up next to a dead husband and daddy one day. While he was recovering and working on his own issues, I was suffering. All of the emotional abuse I endured, many times in front of the kids... the way he manipulated everything to make it seem like it was my fault. And I believed him!! I was so foolish and so weak. For someone who prided herself on being a strong women, someone able to do anything she wanted to, to never letting anyone or anything control her or tell her what to do... I had allowed all of that and just lied to myself in order make it through the day. Once I found out the truth, the anger just set in and took over my life. I hated him with a passion. I told him I wanted a divorce after eight years of marriage. I knew I couldn't handle this life any longer. The day I told him I wanted a divorce I prayed to the Lord to help me. I prayed really, really hard.
The next day, things cooled down a little between us and we decided to see a counselor(I mostly agreed at that point for my kids sake, I felt I owed at least that to them, but not for my husband). I learned from his addiction specialist that the dopamine transmitters in his brain do not function like mine or like most others. Instead of acknowledging when enough is enough, his brain craves more and more. It changes his thinking completely into believing that he actually needs these drugs. That helped me greatly in understanding. (I know it's not the most scientific explanation, but it's 2:30 a.m. right now... just not into making it sound more professional at this moment! :yawn:... and I'm sure, as a nurse, you are already aware of this :rolleyes:) The specialist forced my husband to quit drinking also.
Once he quit everything, drugs and alcohol, that's when I started to get my husband back. Over the last six months or so, he's become more sensitive, caring, and loving. He's at home every night, spends time with our children and myself. He has even started going to Church with us. Then, just a few weeks ago, he told me that he knew he was an jerk and he treated me badly. Just hearing him admit that, admitting that it was not my fault, made it all water under the bridge. We went from the absolute worst, ready for a divorce, to being more in love now than we were on the day we were married. He still has his moments where he gets stressed(and I can tell he wants a drink) but instead of telling me to kiss his @#%, he's getting a drink(or whatever) he'll just go watch television for a while and wait for the moment to pass.
Nar-Anon was great for me. "You can't control the addict nor can you change them. The only thing you can control is how you react to them." You and the wife should attend some meetings to get some support from others who have been exactly where you are. It is a must.
You're feelings are normal and expected. The folks at Nar-Anon will tell you that. They will share their stories with you and give you some coping techniques in dealing with the anger and hurt. Please check it out, the website is great also.
Sorry this is so long. This post just hit really close to home... Many prayers for you and your family.