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na1then2 na1then2 (New Member) New Member

nursing and marriage problems

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i cheated on my wife (emotional affair) and now she is having problems trusting me again. im around pretty young women half the day and she knows that. how or what can i do and say to reasure her i am not doing that again. to make matters worse the other woman was pregnent and my wife still thinks im the father.

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Only time can fix this. Its going to take time for you to prove youre trustworthy again. This may sound weird to some, but maybe you should give her full access to your cell phone, email, etc. Don't get upset at her when she acts jealous or insecure. You did this and its the consequence you will have to deal with. If you can get through this, then maybe your relationship will actually grown stronger? I have heard of this happening...

Have you considered counseling? Have you considered finding a position where you aren't surrounded by as many females? (Far fetched?)

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a good way to look at this OP...think about what you would do if the situation was reversed and she was the one who cheated on you, and she was around young handsome men all day....what kind of reassurance would you need to know she wasn't cheating on you in any way?

I don't know her, you or the situation so i can't give 100% clear help with this, but in most situations, if you approach her about what you should do to reassure her, your just going to get in an argument about what you should already know....were women we expect you to know everything! lol....but if you really think about what you would do when the situation is reversed, you'll get a really good idea about what you should be doing for her specifically...you know your wife so just put yourself in her shoes...

also if you did "emotionally" cheat on her, you should, if you haven't already, discover why you sought someone outside your relationship with your wife, as humans we are not monogamous in any way, were expected to be but almost all mammals are not monogamous and we aren't any better....but if you really want things to work, understanding why you did what you did, seeking marital counseling or independent counseling could also help, not just your wife, but you...

good luck to you and i hope everything works out....as they say time heals all wounds...

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Make time to contact her during the day, such as texting or calling between classes or on breaks just to say you are thinking about her. Knowing that you're thinking about her while you're surrounded by these supposedly beautiful women might help to reassure her. And making the effort to make the time that you are with her more special/romantic.

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Ugh, it's hard to trust again. My hubby did it over 2 years ago with his stupid ex girlfriend:mad: we are good now. We went to counseling, he stopped all contact with her, and he knows that I will (still) look through his phone and FB. We will be celebrating our 12th anniversary in a little over a month! but 2 years ago I had 1 foot out the door ready to leave. I had a lot of things I had to work on too, i suffer from PPD and at the time I thought I was fine, but I wasn't. I do not blame myself for what happened now, though at the time i did. I ditto the above poster who said to find out why you did it and rectify the situation. I hope you guys can move past this:redbeathe

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Maybe I'm just behind on this but what do you mean by an emotional affair??

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Honestly, this is why I wouldn't be able to stay with someone that cheated. I have in the past and granted it wasn't a marriage but it was a long term relationship. It never was fair even years later. It wasn't fair for me because I had to always worry and think about it and it wasn't fair for my boyfriend to constantly have to feel bad about a mistake, it just wasn't fair to either of us and no matter what he did it never changed or made it better in teh long run. I'm married now and I honestly don't know what I would do if taht happened in my marriage but I don't think I could stay. I think being open and honest about it and making sure she knows how much you love her and how attracted you are to her may help her feel more comfortable and secure in the relationship.

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Unfortunately, you dug quite a deep hole for yourself and it will take a while for you to crawl out. I've never given my wife cause to doubt me and I catch crap every now and then over the situation of being surrounded mostly by women too. Everybody is insecure to a certain degree, but you gave her just cause.

What can you do? Strive for complete honesty and openess. She wants to see your email or cell phone, show her. Therapy is always a good start. Invite some of the ladies over if you have study sessions so she can meet some of them and see that they are not crawling all over you or hitting on you (unless they are, then scratch that idea..) Show her lots of attention, be kind and considerate. Since you are going into nursing, I'm assuming you have those qualities already.

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Maybe I'm just behind on this but what do you mean by an emotional affair??

i think hes trying to say they didnt have sex, but they had romantic feelings for each other.

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Okay I have a completely different take on this. We are all human and due to the fact that there are billions of people on this planet, it's a statistical reality that there are many people out there besides our spouses that we would be compatible with, like enough to date if we were single, or have a simple crush on. Feelings don't get shut off when you get married, and it's not abnormal to potentially come across someone in life that you "like."

Your problem was that you let what should have been ONLY professional relationship move into some kind of non-physical teenage crush area, and you didn't keep that to yourself. It's normal to see women and "like" them, but you have to keep the relationship proper and professional on the outside. As for the inside, there's nothing wrong with closing your eyes on the train every morning and picturing her playing beach volleyball in a swimsuit or whatever the heck you want. Just don't ACT on any of it. Tell your wife you made a mistake by NOT keeping your relationships professional and having whatever this non-physical romantic-ish relationship was, that you realize you were wrong, you're sorry and won't do it again.

HOWEVER this is more of your wife's problem than yours, and you need to tell her to knock off the jealousy and paternity rumors STAT. Accusing you of having a physical relationship with her and impregnating her is SERIOUS and potentially ruinous to your family AND her family (I assume she is married or at least has a male partner as well). She needs to know that feelings are normal and okay as long as we don't act on them, and that you're not her property to guilt-trip and make miserable with a short leash. She needs to work on her own insecurities. Jealousy is poisonous, and jealousy blown out of proportion like this can break a marriage. Don't let it destroy your life.

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