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LovePeas LovePeas (New Member) New Member

Need an algorithm for quality time

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Recently started a new job in the ER working nights, might I add that I :redbeathe it! I'm having a hard time finding the time to spend with my bf of 9 months. I don't get it. I work 3 nights a week sometimes 4 from 7p to 7a. He also works nights, but from 9p to 3a, 5 to 6 nights a week and 2 days a week from 7a to 5p. His schedule is rough and, well, we NEVER spend time together.

I've felt as if maybe he doesn't "want" to spend any qt with me and it's ruining everything we've built so far. He manages to make time for sporting events like softball league and the occasional live NFL game too. Where do I fit in? I also stick to my work sleep schedule usually when I'm off, so I don't get out of whack when it's time to go back to work. So, basically I'm up until 8am and sleep most of the day. I'm on break from school (ns starts may '11). I can't imagine what this will be like then.

We don't live together, btw. But we only live

We've had numerous discussions about this and nothing seems to change. He knows how I'm feeling, I keep reminding him. It's ruining our relationship. It feels like I'm the only one making any effort to see the other person. And the old saying actions speak louder than words constantly haunts me.

Every time I think about this, I get super sad and wonder if we're ever gonna survive.

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Guess I was just venting. Too bad there weren't any posters :/

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Guess I was just venting. Too bad there weren't any posters :/

I don't think there are as many people over here on Central as there are on AN, so you won't typically see the quantity of responses here. I like to think, however, that what may be lacking in quantity, is made up in quality. ;)

In reading your post, I was reminded of the old saying, "where there's a will; there's a way"........ and I don't see much of a "will." It sounds to me like he puts his love of sports before his love for you.

I wish I could come up with an algorithm for you; but with your BF's priorities factored into the equation, I don't think I can. :rolleyes:

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From my experience --

if you get the feeling that BF doesn't want to spend time with you, he probably doesn't. I can't really say from your post that I get an idea why you drifted apart, but it appears that you have (or, at least, he has.)

It's the whole "he's just not that into you" thing. If you've only been together for 9 months and you aren't still so wrapped up in each other you can't stand it, things probably aren't going to change now.

My advice -- put yourself back on the market.

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I like what grandmawrinkle said. And I think you should consider losing the need for an "algorithm." Life is not lived according to a protocol.

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We've had numerous discussions about this and nothing seems to change. He knows how I'm feeling, I keep reminding him. It's ruining our relationship. It feels like I'm the only one making any effort to see the other person. And the old saying actions speak louder than words constantly haunts me.

if he wanted to make you a priority, he would...

even w/o you reminding him.

his lack of response, is very telling.

i would like to think that i'd stop trying so hard, and lay back a bit...

to see what he'd do.

wishing the best for you.

leslie

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This may not be what you want to hear, but it looks like you need to pull back. A lot.

I'm glad you don't live together. For too many couples, the main things they have going for them are proximity and habit. It's just too easy to take the relationship for granted.

In your case, the timetables are wretched, but as others said, where there's a will, there's a way. If he lacks the will, you need to get away.

Try not to make a big scene where you tell him you're backing off. Just do it, and go about your business. My younger sister used to tell me she was ignoring me. Totally defeats the purpose.

Take some time off having a relationship and get to know yourself before jumping in to something new.

It's great to have a special someone with whom to share your life and your self. It's not so great when you have to feed them all the lines and pull their strings to make it happen.

I wish you the very best.

Edited by rn/writer

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Your bf may love you deeply. However, he might feel sharing a life with you (or any gf or wife) means he still does what he wants when he wants where he wants and be shocked to think a woman doesn't see a relationship the same way.

Accept that he (maybe?) loves you but doesn't feel he has to always be with you.

Or leave this relationship and find a bf who feels spending time with you is a priority.

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He manages to make time for ... NFL [.]

Uh, there are only a select number of days per year that NFL is available. Maybe you should give him a pass on that one.

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Uh, there are only a select number of days per year that NFL is available. Maybe you should give him a pass on that one.

That's very funny! And I can appreciate that alot. :pI'm into his sports. Thats how we met. He says I'm the first.......and last woman who already is watching sports center on espn and keeps tracks of all of our teams standings. And I have yet to say the NO word about any thing he does. He's considerate and asks me, but I always tell him to go watch, play, whatever the game and have fun. I'll never put myself between him and sports, but I will put myself right next to him and sports, ya know?

He's starting to get the picture now. And we're BOTH making an effort to see each other more. We are well aware the our lives have different goals too, but we want to reach those goals together.

The way I'm looking at this is we're still testing the waters. He now understands my need for affection/intimacy pretty regularly. And he has made a conscience effort to make me smile again. :D

Oh and as one poster said take myself back a bit and do my own thing and see what happens? I did. That was how our discussion started :lol2:

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i just have to say....i had a BF like yours...i travel and im gone 4 days and home for 8 and he finally told me he could not fit me into his schedule, that i needed nore attention than he could give me....REEEEEELLLLYYY????? he could not get all his things done in 4 days??? and we do not live together so you could not give me 2 days of your time and attention???? don't get me wrong when we did get together it was great..his kids (girls) loved me, his parents loved me and his friends loved me...obviously he did not...although he did follow me around for 6 months before he asked me to be HIS.....but then he decided he did not have the time for me????

my internal reply to this?????

S E E Y A!!!!!

YOU DO NOT DESERVE ME...............

NEXT!!!!...hehehehe...that is what i say

good luck

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