The nature of love, a story about Agape.

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    This is my story. It is why I became a believer, it is why I became an unbeliever. It is why I was suicidal. It is why I decided to pursue nursing. It is why I became a CNA. It is the story that defines me as a person, and it is my deepest darkest secret. One I will now share with you.

    In the beginning...

    When I was 18 the world was my oyster. I was supremely confident in my own intellect, and abilities. I thought nothing would stop me. I applied, and was accepted to a state school. I got a 26 on the ACT, and my whole life people had told me how intelligent I was.

    It is only after years I realize how ignorant I was as a youth, and still am. I am beginning to see things in new ways I could never have comprehended as a youth. I flunked out in my first semester. I had developed Crohn's disease, I lost sixty pounds, and I was bleeding internally.

    I became depressed, and suicidal. I had failed where I had never failed before. How could this have happened to me. To top this all off I could now no longer seek treatment for my chronic illness, which was literally killing me. This was before the ACA so I had no affordable healthcare options. This story is the very core of why I decided to pursue nursing, and pre-nursing. Why I am still pursuing becoming a nurse.

    First try at college...

    I went to a community college. Me at community college instead of a state university. My ego was bruised I didn't think it would get me anywhere, how ignorant I was. Now I see the kinds of people that go to community college working their tales off for a chance at a better life. I should have been proud to go there, but I wasn't I was embarrassed. The only reason I was going was to get health insurance so I could afford my treatments.

    I was going to kill myself I had decided that was it my life was over. I was twenty, and I was beyond recovery. My school had kicked me out, I could never recover. Then in one of my classes a girl got up, and told a story about how she had a friend who had killed herself.

    There were tears in her eyes as she told the story. She begged any one suicidal to not go through with it. I was ashamed, and I dropped the class. Yet for all that I took it as a sign from God, that confirmed my suspicions I was loved, I was important, and I mattered. I got down on my knees, and prayed for the first time in a very long time.

    I prayed for a companion. Within a week I met the ex fiancé. They remain the happiest years of my life, and it is why I was so devastated by what followed.

    I couldn't land a decent job. I worked retail throughout our relationship, and I dropped out of school. My GPA was 2.78 when I left, and I thought it was utter trash. I was again beyond recovery. So I worked.

    My fiance...

    My fiancé at the time always believed she was haunted by a demon. I never believed it I thought it BS surely God would not allow such this. Then I had a dream which set in motion every thing that was to follow.

    I dreamed she was possessed by a demon. I fought with it in my mind, but in the end I was losing. I Prayed to God, at that time. Here was the person I cared most for in the world suffering a fate worth than death, and I was horrified powerless it felt so real. When I prayed I woke up, and she was lying beside me, and I woke her up. She had the same dream.

    Shortly there after I asked her to marry me. She said yes, but it was not to be.

    Then I developed delusions. I thought God, or the devil, or both were speaking to me through books, tv, and music. I thought it some grand cosmic game, in which the prize was a trip to the stars, and an endless honeymoon for my then fiancé. I Struggled with the morality, and deep down I knew it wasn't going to happen.

    Two hospital trips later, and some very bitter words the ex fiancé broke it off. I couldn't live with myself the reason for her leaving the mental illness I was suffering. I tried to blame the world God, whomever, but really I blamed myself. That is why I tried to kill myself three times.

    The first time I swallowed a bottle of anti psychotics in the morning, I called in sick to work, and got ready to die. I didn't I woke up the next day, and I was alive. So I went back to work, nobody knew I had just tried to kill myself.

    The next two times I bought five bottles of over the counter sleeping pills. I mixed them with whiskey, but I ended up vomiting everything up. I went to work two days later.

    Finally I couldn't hide anymore every one could tell something was wrong with me, so I fessed up. I found out the only one I had been fooling was myself. I went back to my third psychiatrist, and begged him to see me. He kindly obliged. I was put on anti-depressants, and an anti depressant booster.

    I went back to school determined now somehow to make something of myself before it was to late. I settled on nursing, because of all my health issues. I began to learn about it. I became obsessed with getting a 4.0 when I learned how competitive it was.

    I was working thirty hours a week, and taking a bio course along with college algebra, and statistics. I was getting my 4.0. I had no life, but I didn't care all that mattered was I accomplish my career, and academic goals now before I squandered what was left of my life away.

    I was met with unrequited kindness I did not deserve or expect.


    I believed the world was set against me, fate, and the heavens were aligned against me. I was going to try to pull this off anyways. I had my 4.0 I was going to be a RN someday if it killed me.

    I was bitter, and cynical. My work ethic though that was through the roof. Then I fell ill again.

    I came down with pneumonia. I continued going to work, and school Everyday seven days a week. It turned into an 11cm lung abscess. Finally after weeks of spitting up pus, and blood I went to an emergency clinic, and was seen by a nurse practitioner, whom along with all the other medical staff I who treated me I owe my life quite literally. She sent me to the hospital after seeing an initial X-ray.

    I threatened to sign AMA unless I was released in time to take my finals this was unacceptable. My life was going down the toilet again. The staff admitted me as a charity case, so I could have emergency surgery, and not be crippled by debt if I developed sepsis.

    It is an act I would come to cherish as one of the kindest things strangers have ever done to me. I was still spitting up blood the day of my finals, and taking intravenous antibiotics through a picc line. I was released the night before my finals.

    I got two Bs, and an A. It wasn't what I had hoped for, but it was good enough given the situation. I took another bio course of the summer, and something crept into my soul. A young man who was going for pharmacy told me how certain he was I would achieve my goals based on my attitude. I am deeply indebted to him for creeping optimism back into my soul.

    I did well over the summer, and I got better. Later one of the doctors told me she was amazed I could get out of bed with an 11cm lung abscess much less do what I was doing.

    For awhile bitterness crept in, but my fellow students continued to show confidence in me. I landed a job at the college as a math tutor, and promptly quit my job at the gas station. I love my fellow tutors they are the best.

    Slowly my shattered confidence was being built up, and I tried to spread it to any one who would listen. I couldn't believe it, I might actually become a RN someday. It was like living in a dream.

    I took A CNA course, and found some of the best people I ever met in that group. I am now a certified CNA. I made lots of friends, and contacts.


    I am now taking anatomy one, microbiology, and gen chem. With summer school there are a few programs I am now eligible to apply to for nursing school. Its been a wild ride, and AN has been there for me through my ups and downs. I thought I would bare my journey to you, so you could understand me just a little better.

    Mostly though I just wanted to say thank you. Because the support I have found in my life through the good times, and the bad has literally saved my life from disease, and myself over time.

    Thank you for reading. I am still working on myself. The ideas of reference have been gone for years, and my happiness continues to sky rocket, as I come closer to achieving my goals.

    I just wanted all you life savors out there to know what you mean to me. To you it may be just a job, or a simple act of kindness, but to me it means the world.
    Last edit by Joe V on Jan 24, '17
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  2. Visit honeyforasalteyfish profile page

    About honeyforasalteyfish, CNA

    Joined: Mar '15; Posts: 963; Likes: 2,084
    Towel related; from US

    Read My Articles


  3. by   Farawyn
    I'm glad you are here, Gavin. Stay with us, okay?
  4. by   honeyforasalteyfish
    Quote from Farawyn
    I'm glad you are here, Gavin. Stay with us, okay?
    of course the suicidal ideas are a thing of the past. I am getting my education now, and that combined with my diagnoses of clinical depression has served to turn my life in a 180.

    I am sitting in classses getting As in classes I never thought I could pass much less ace.

    So I am good now. I am mindful of my health particularly the depression since it nearly derailed my entire life.
  5. by   Farawyn
    The Art/Poetry magazine at the HS at which I work is called Agape. It's always so beautiful.
  6. by   honeyforasalteyfish
    I wrote this article because my life is turning around. I despaired of hope, I thought I was hopeless so for years I deigned to not even try.

    It fed into a nasty cycle of regret, and disappointment. I may never be a nurse, but I know now I will get my degree.

    For me that means hope. Anyways it's kind of a sob story. I am trying to redefine myself now. That means diligence, and discipline.

    I am supremely grateful when I look back at where I was at, to where I am at now. I couldn't have done it alone, and I found I didn't have to.

    That means everything to me, so I try to spread the comrodery.

    I have never been more glad to be wrong.
    Last edit by honeyforasalteyfish on Feb 3, '16
  7. by   honeyforasalteyfish
    Quote from Farawyn
    The Art/Poetry magazine at the HS at which I work is called Agape. It's always so beautiful.
    I think it's a wonderful thing, and I try to spread it now. Because unrequited kindness changed my life.

    So I feel like I owe the world to do my best to do the same.
  8. by   CryssyD
    Thank you so much for your story. God is indeed love, and He moves in you. You're awesome.
  9. by   honeyforasalteyfish
    Quote from CryssyD
    Thank you so much for your story. God is indeed love, and He moves in you. You're awesome.
    Thank you. I believe love is the supreme force in the universe. I don't much care how it expresses itself it is the only thing in my mind that cannot be used for "evil" as we think of it.

    While there are other intrinsically good qualities to have such as intelligence without empathy, and compassion. I believe it is a futile endeavor.

    Just my opinion really, and I try to see it in the little things in life.

    Death for me is just something I have accepted I don't mind it as long as I get a chance to live well before I die.
  10. by   Avid reader
    Salty, I think you would be a magnificent nurse based on your life experiences and still remain optimistic. You should never, ever give up because you are really special. You hopefully have learnt an important lesson re perception. It can change. You sound considerate, empathetic and grateful and that makes for a wonderful human being. Thanks for the wonderful story. Stay strong and explore writing because you certainly conveyed a moving account well.