Message To The Bank About A Bounced Check

  1. Attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old
    woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
    in the New York Times.


    To whom it may concern,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
    to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
    have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my
    account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course , to the
    automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an
    arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
    and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
    inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
    caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
    personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
    contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
    pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. >From
    now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person .
    My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
    be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
    personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
    nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
    other person to open such an envelope.

    Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require
    your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
    in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
    me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
    medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
    mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
    and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,
    I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
    dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
    again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me
    to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
    imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call
    me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to
    choose from.

    Please press the buttons as follows:

    1. To make an appointment to see me.

    2. To query a missing payment.

    3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

    4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

    5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to

    6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

    7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
    computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
    date to the Authorized Contact.

    8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

    9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
    put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
    will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
    an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of th is new
    arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your Humble Client,

    (A 96 year old woman)
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  3. by   Peachy720

    You GO, LOL!!

    God, I love old people!!
  4. by   ERNURSE4MS
  5. by   letina
    Turn up the volume (hope this works) LOL
  6. by   FranEMTnurse
    Quote from letina
    Turn up the volume (hope this works) LOL
    Groovin' Granny is my idol. Did you see the one where she throws away her cane, & dances with her walker? That's my favorite one. I relate since I'm in a wheelchair.