Help me, I think I am in love!(and not with my husband) - page 3
Okay here is the deal... Everyone who knows me, knows that I am married! I have 4 wonderful kids and I would never do anything to hurt them! But, here is where the problem comes in...I think I am in... Read More
Jun 22, '03My best friend is in the same situation. She has been happily married for 7 years. Her "first love" came back into her life. She began wishing to be with him. She left her husband and moved in with the first love. After the first few months she realized why she broke up with him in the first place. Things went down hill fast. Now she is on her own, trying to decide if she is going back with her husband. Who by the way has been a saint. Doesn't know about the b/f but is still willing to wait for her to get her crap together and decide what she wants to do. I say try to work things out with hubby, if you can get passed the cheating. You never know if the green grass on the other side of the fence will stay green after you move your dog into it. If you know what I mean. Good luck! If you need someone to talk to I'm here for you.
Jun 23, '03Me and My Wife had to put the past behind us,to be able to go forward.Not communicating almost killed my marriage,not my wifes affair.Heart to Heart talks is what turned my marriage around.As for your ex,I've been in his shoes also.I was my wifes best friend,when she was living with her boyfriend.I did'nt care about her relationship with her boyfriend,I knew what I wanted and did whatever it took to make it happen.If you have to leave your husband, do like everyone else says,Don't do it for another Guy,do it for yourself.The flame is still there with your husband or you would'nt have Married Him.Do what ever it takes to fix the problems and that will restoke the Fire.
Jun 23, '03My first thought is, "Why on earth would you even talk/ask about something like THIS to people you don't even really know or have ever seen???" Maybe it's just me, but I'm against airing laundry THIS dirty on the net for the whole world to see. Do you really expect to get all your answers HERE??? I hope not.
My second thought, since you DID ask, is "The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side...until you get there." It's easy to want to be with someone else or somewhere else. You need to cut off communication with your ex, it's just fueling your unhappiness and tempting you to leave (Or are you just looking for a reason to leave?). No one can serve two masters; you always end up resenting one and loving the other, shortchanging one and worshipping the other.
Memories (which are hardly ever complete or accurate), fantasies, and excitement are good, but they are not reality. Your ex has stayed in touch, but he has not done all that your husband has done for you and for your kids.
I agree that you need to go back for counseling (AFTER you end things with your ex). You say that things went back the way they were before after you stopped counseling. Why is this surprising? That's like saying that you gained all your weight back after you stopped dieting and exercising, and went back to eating the way you did before. Would that be a surprise?
Jun 23, '03Marriage is full of it's ups and downs.
I don't think anyone who has been married for any length of time hasn't thought of being with someone else at one time or another.
However, the one who has been with you through the good as well as the bad should be your priority.
Is it not a bit selfish to want your happiness at all times through your marriage. Well, yes, it may be selfish and it may be normal to WANT to be happy all the time but I don't really think it's reality.
Life is not always happy.
Sometimes marriages get a bit stale or stagnate for awhile. Thats when you must take action! Not by looking elsewhere but by stirring up what you already have.
My advice would be to drop the ex (and I mean NOW) and start concentrating on spicing up what you already have. Look for and remember the positive, wonderful things your spouse has to offer.
Plan to do something special with him, just the two of you without the kids.
Anything worth having is worth working for.
Jun 23, '03oh have to reply now!!
tilley- I think that sometimes things are aired here because we dont know each other!! ok, its been said we are like siblings but if I walked into your office, you would not know who I am! I think that may make it easier to say the unsayable!! after all- there is very little chance that my neighbour will see this (I hope) In a way it means you can say what you need to without being ashamed or worried about what people think. Because on the whole we do support each other, and sometimes you need that. ok- sometimes the advice is blunt and may not be what you want to hear but thats why we ask for advice- and at least here people are honest!!
and yes, marriage is full of ups and down, I accept that and know that you should take the rough with the smooth, but in my case I seem to the one taking all rough!! sometimes love dies and there is nothing left to rescuitate! I know its all about communication but there does come a point when it fails!
me- I want someone who respects and loves me, who accepts me for who I am. Is that asking too much???????????
Jun 23, '03I held off from replying, but, as Tilleycs said , you did ask...
From your profile, you are now 25 years old, so your 4 kids must be little ones. You married when you were 18. (Does that mean your 'ex' was a high school sweetheart?) You are an LPN, and RN student.
You have a lot of responsibilities.
With all the reality on your plate, how can you even find time and energy to waste on fueling a fantasy based on you teenage years? Sounds like you and your husband both still have a lot of emotional growing up to do. Playing the 'you hurt me, so I'll hurt you' game is childish, and is going to hurt your kids in the long run.
Dump the 'ex'. Why would you even want someone in your life who is contributing to turmoil the life of your kids?
Get some couple counselling with your husband if he'll go with you. Even if ultimately your marriage doesn't last, it may help in dealing with the situation. Find a good MFCC, (marriage, family and child counselor for those who may not know), and get some guidance.
Your kids need a mom with a sense of responsibility.
Jun 23, '03Wow. Some good opinions expressed here. All with validity.
I thought I wanted someone else 7 years into my marriage too. My hubby and I had 7 years of issues to resolve, and we both had to decide if it was worth it. (they don't call it the 7 yr itch for nothing) Nobody can tell you this, you have to decide. And your partner needs to feel like working on the relationship too or it won't work.
In hindsite I regret putting my child through these turbulent times, and feel I could have handled it more maturely. I hope you do too for your sake, and your family's.
Possibly the best point made here is YOU must make sure you are not just leaving your hubby because you think you want another man. This scenario doesn't work unless you do the self- work involved. If you're going to leave hubby and take kids be sure you're ready for this responsibility...alone.
Be aware this other guy may well be playing a game with YOU that will hurt you in the long run.... he may even get off on the idea of taking you away from another man. There are lots of immature, narcissistic people out there who operate this way, unfortunately. Also under the 'grass is greener' theory.
Your kids won't ever thank you for giving up your life and sticking out a bad marriage for their sake... a bad marriage that never gets better is no godsend to kids. (and I speak from experience here. )
By the way we worked it out: we decided we loved each other enough to work through our differences, so it can work if BOTH are committed. Good luck.
Jun 23, '03My very wise grandmother once told me,"I don't believe all this talk about there only being one person in the world who you are meant to spend your life with. I DO believe that once you find one of them you should stop looking!"
Jun 23, '03As many have said, all of us have been tempted at times during our marriages to look over the fence at the supposed greener grass . . . marriages have highs, lows and then just middle times. What got me through is to remember that LOVE is not just a feeling . . feelings are fleeting. Love is an action. I may not feel very loving but if I act on it, feelings usually follow.
Being "in love" is a focus on self. It is how I feel.
Love is focused outward . . to the other person and their best interests. Not focused on me.
stephLast edit by Spidey's mom on Jun 23, '03
Jun 23, '03Tara, it's difficult to work on a marriage with three people in it. Talk to a counselor and try to find out why you are so unhappy. Sometimes we rely on other ppl to make us happy and it just doesn't work that way. Sometimes our expectations for a marriage are set too high and no one could possibly meet our expectations.
As Rusty mentioned there are highs and lows in every marriage (usually) bumps in the road so to speak, those bumps can make your marriage stronger, if you feel it's worth saving and both work together to rescue it.
Good Luck, I wish you peace with your decision.
Jun 23, '03Stevielynn,....
I REALLY LIKE WHAT YOU SAID.
I wish we all had that wisdom
about love and what it is,
acting loving will usually bring loving feelings.
Jun 23, '03But, Tara's got the HOTS for this guy.
Ain't no amount of counseling gonna cure the hots.
Ain't no amount of contemplating the situation gonna cure it.
Ain't no amount of "rational thinking" (What's that?) gonna cure it.
People with the hots do not / cannot think rationally,
or consider others.
Nuthin gonna cure Tara's problem BUT ONE THANG....
& you all know it. Get real !!!
Tara, just go get the itch scratched and be done with it !!
Have an affair !! Be discreet !!
No need to break up home & family.
Jun 23, '03passing thru-You go. ^5!....I like your style....One question---Why did the EX become "EX"? I feel that if you are not happy then you deserve the chance to seek it...But you are young and your history tells me a bit immature...Counseling would be good for you-and scratch that itch like passing thru said...You may remember why the EX became the EX after you spend some real-time with him.........