You ONLY work 3 days a week!

  1. I'm hurt and angry, and I didn' t know who else would understand but other nurses. My husband is facing lay-offs in the near future. I know it scares him and I know we have to bank money, which we are, but I guess not fast enough for him. He seems to resent my days off, even though I am the one doing all the bill-paying, grocery-shopping, cleaning at home and any child-related tasks for our three daughters.

    My husband has ALWAYS been of the opinion that my work can not be any more stressful than what he does dealing with computers and surly vendors in the IT world. He says that his work is every bit as life and death as mine. I have tried to explain to him that yes, if he doesn't get a computer working then on down the line someone might not get lab results or get their meds as fast, but it is NOT the same as what I do. He refuses to appreciate what kind of pressure I'm under on a fast-paced cardiopulmonary stepdown unit with people often circling the drain.

    Even though he gets every weekend off and does almost nothing during them, I'm apparently supposed to work my 3-12's (which I'm sorry, but 12 hour shifts kill me. We live an hour away from the hospital, and it ends up being a 14-15 hour day for me when I work one. I start counting the moment I have to get out of bed and get ready, the drive, etc. It's all part of it!) and then now, because I have so much extra time off during the week, pick up more shifts to make more money. I am tired of coming home sore, miserable and exhausted to no food and a dirty house to be told that I surely can pick up MORE shifts!

    Anyone else have to cope with a spouse who never gets how hard nursing is, or won't get it, and thinks it's a great deal to work ONLY 3-12's and have four days off a week?

    Just venting...feeling pretty unappreciated and blue. I was a stay at home mom for 14 years and it has been a really hard adjustment to become a nurse. I have doubted my sanity a number of times. Now I just feel underpaid and undercared about so I can have my ass run off for 12 hour shifts and get told at home I ought to work more and put more money in savings.

  2. Visit Hoosiernurse profile page

    About Hoosiernurse, RN

    Joined: Apr '05; Posts: 164; Likes: 81
    Registered Nurse; from US
    Specialty: 10 year(s) of experience in telemetry, cardiopulmonary stepdown, LTC


  3. by   caliotter3
    My husband thought I never should go into nursing. He did not want to hear about it. Frankly, now I believe he was right all along. And I could see him adopting the same attitude and behavior as your husband. He was like that when he was not working.
  4. by   LACA
    I'm a school nurse, so I have an awesome daily schedule and I get all the breaks off...I know that as far as a nurse, I have it made. The money isn't great, and I could definitely make better money in any other nursing job, but I adore my job and love the schedule. My husband understands that my job isn't physically demanding, but it's emotionally and mentally draining. I do most of the day to day care of our 14 month old, but he does help around the house some.
    Honestly, I think it's a male thing for some men to think that they have the harder job. They don't understand that plenty of women work just as hard as they do at more challenging jobs. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, if you need to talk, feel free to contact me.
  5. by   netglow
    Your husband needs to get used to the "facing layoffs" deal and not put it on you. He's lucky if this is the first time he's had to have that hanging over his head.

    When he states that what you do is not more stressful/dangerous than what he does, he needs to be told that he's either being:
    1. stupid
    2. trying hard to hurt you

    (I'll come over and have that talk with him )

    You, just need to IGNORE HIM. Do not change your schedule, or anything you do on your off days to accommodate him. Walk away from him if you must when he starts these conversations.
  6. by   DaniGrrl
    My husband is a police officer who works 12 hours shifts, and I'll admit that sometimes I do get frustrated because he has a lot of off time. Intellectually, I know that it is stressful and that it must not seem like much time off when you're the one working it, but from my perspective as a WAHM, I envy his schedule.

    I think it's easy for us to resent what we perceive someone else's experience to be. It's wrong, but it's easy.

    I'm sorry your husband is being a butt head.
  7. by   Ivanna_Nurse
    Hugs to you. I am going through the same thing, somewhat. My hubs is working a job not much over minimum wage. He works 5 days a week (10a to 6p), but feels like it'd be no big deal for me to pick up another shift or two a week. I currently work 3 12s nite shift Sometimes I feel like an ass saying, that it isnt fair for me to work a million days a week and still have to pick the kids up, wrangle them into the tub and try to get myself ready for work. I feel your pain. Just know that you aren't alone. Hope things get better as spring heads our way. Hugs, Ivanna
  8. by   Mrs.Rollins
    It sounds to me like you have much deeper issues in your marriage than job disparity, hon. And I speak from personal experience. I'm sorry that your partner isn't being supportive, and I hope that changes soon. Hugs to you, love, and you can always vent to us.
  9. by   diane227
    My husband is a nurse also. We used to work ED together but he now works in a large Neuro ICU that is VERY OVERSTAFFED to the point where most days he only has one patient. I am the charge nurse on 3-11 of a 34 bed med-surg unit and I am REAL busy. But when I come home he never wants to hear about my day. He in fact never wants to hear anything negative. So I just talk to my female friends. I think a lot of it is the difference between men and women. They just don't communicate in the same way. We don't have kids and neither of us work full time but I tell you what.... if we did, he sure as hell would be up doing he share of the housework. But he is good about that now and he does more cooking than I do now so it all works out.
  10. by   rn4ever?
    Sorry to hear that you are going through all these right now. If you are so tired and exhausted, you don’t need to take extra shifts-----and don’t feel bad about it. You have to take care of yourself too-----if you’re not feeling good, then how can you take care of your family well? If you take more shifts than what you can really do, then you might get burnt out in your job as an RN. If your husband has issues with his job, then he shouldn’t blame you. By the way, you said that he is facing lay-offs in the near future? Why don’t he try to be a nurse and do (3) 12 hours shifts-----and maybe pick-up extra shifts too? So he will know how it feels “to work only 3 12 hour shifts a week”. :smackingf
  11. by   tripp3horn
    If it were my husband saying those things to me and treating me in that way, I would just simply tell him to go back to school and become an RN, then he can work those so-called heavenly hours. He is the one with the problem, not you. Don't make his problem into yours. It's hard but you can do it. When you stop taking responsibility for his problems, insecurities, jealousy issues, they eventually become less of a problem for him as well. You are doing what you need to do. Feel good about yourself and be proud that you are providing for your family. If he wants to wallow in his own $@&* then let him, but that doesn't mean he has to take you along with him. Best of luck to you, hang in there!
  12. by   caliotter3
    When a colleague's husband failed out of nursing school he made her life hell; she worked seven days a week, sixteen hours a day, at two facilities across the street from each other. He was too important to even go make an effort at working in a fast food job. All he could do was nag her and complain and feel sorry for himself. I never knew this about her until one day she confided in me. She was on the verge of collapse. I think it was only through the grace of the Almighty that she could continue that way. I don't know whatever happened to her.
  13. by   davisg01
    Take one of the issues off the table....if he won't help with the housework, hire a maid to come by once a week. The cost is worth your peace of mind, and it will force him to fish or cut bait on this issue. Maybe he will help out if he thinks it costs too much. When my wife and I were both working high stress jobs (I was the techie then), we had a maid come by once every two weeks to do a little light cleaning. It gave us more time together when we did have time off at the same time. Now that I have returned to school, we both do it.
  14. by   suni
    I did 12 hour shifts for 10 years and finally decided at age 49 it was time to go back to 8 hour shifts. My husband did no housework, limited cooking and did not do clean up after a meal. Still lets stuff out of the fridge till I get home, doesn't think you need to wipe anything down after a meal, can wash laundry but " i just don't know how to fold it'
    so it lays in a ball and wrinkles! He was laid off for 2 years and I worked full time 12hours and picked up a part time job flexing. Never again!
    I have told him he will work 2 jobs and I now have bills he pays and bills I pay, household repairs are split and we each have our own checking account and a joint account which he puts nothing into the joint checking or savings.
    I know I am not alone with a husband like this as I hear many nurses say the same thing but I also understand why the divoroce rate increases at my age, kids are grown, I can support myself nicely on my income, get a small apartment and keep it clean and neat and let the man fend for himself, Not that I am getting divorced by I sure understand it a lot better now>