Unfortunately, your son is at an age when he needs a strong and yet compassionate MALE influence. He's reached a time when things happen that guys just don't tell their Moms about........like nocturnal emissions.......the overwhelming need to spend hours with a Hustler
magazine.......the weird stuff that can happen when a guy spends the night at his best friend's house.
I don't know how well your current husband relates to your son, but I'm betting there are a lot of legitimate reasons why your son wants to live with his dad.....and unless there's a compelling reason not to allow it, you probably should bite the bullet and let him. And I don't want to sound harsh, but this really isn't
about what's best for you or your other children; it's about HIM and unmet needs.
Almost all younger adolescents (boys as well as girls) get restless and edgy around this age, and they fantasize about living someplace else. I know I did, and all four of my kids went through the same thing, yet we all came from intact homes. It stands to reason that a child of divorce would experience this restlessness even more because there is an absent parent. Besides, isn't it what we don't
have that intrigues us?
I know this is a gut-wrenching decision to make; even though I've never experienced divorce and remarriage, I have raised four children to adulthood and seen them go through some pretty tough stages. Right now I'm facing the fact that my 19-year-old son is about to leave us, and he's doing it by marrying a girl who is controlling, narcissistic, clingy, paranoid, manipulative, and did I mention controlling? They got engaged last fall, and while the wedding is still a year away, I know with a sinking heart that he is going to go through with it......no matter what it costs him in the end. He doesn't love her enough to make a marriage, but he's made a promise and he's too darned loyal not to honor it.
So he's going to have to experience
it. He won't learn any other way. His friends and family can talk, beg, advise, threaten all we want, but he's not going to internalize the lessons here until he's actually lived with the consequences of his decision. It's the same with your boy---he will be restless, moody, and quite possibly very angry if he's not allowed to find out for himself whether living with his father is all it's cracked up to be.
I'm sure you're thinking "but what if he DOES stay with his dad?" Sad to say, that's a chance you may have to take, and the only thing you can do at that point is accept the situation. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you; but you don't want him to resent you either, and he will if you don't set him free to get to know his dad, just as my son (who has worshiped the ground I walk on all his life) was starting to resent me the more I tried to caution him against this marriage.
I also hate to tell you, but this is the EASY part of child-rearing, as hard as it may be to believe. They grow up, hit that 18th birthday, and suddenly they're making all kinds of grownup decisions, many of which leave a lot to be desired, and guess what---you no longer have control over what they do! So you worry about them more than ever because you can't protect them......and of course, they really have to struggle through those first few years of adulthood because Mom and Dad just know
they can't possibly be old enough (and smart enough) not to make a big fat mess of their lives.
You're just getting your feet wet on this one. Try to relax a little, let your son have a bit of freedom to find out if living with his father is really what he wants, and realize that this, too, shall pass.