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cjohns889 cjohns889 (New Member) New Member

Life advice needed for student nurse!

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Hey there everyone!

Okay, so I am totally aware that this website is for student nurses/nurses/LPNs/etc. who are seeking advice pertaining to the job field. However, I am stuck in a rut and have no where else to turn... and this website always provides the best, most real advice out there! [Probably has to do with the fact that most people who go into nursing are very similar: sociable, caring, driven, down to earth, smart... I could go on!] :)

Background: I'm about to start my second year of nursing school. Always scary, but I am starting pediatrics - finally something I think I will like! I've written on this website before in order to get advice regarding my anxiety towards the responsibilities of the profession and if it is really the major for me.

What I need help with though, has to do with one word: MEN. Okay, so I am 21 years old but very mature for my age and have been ready to settle down with someone for the past 2 years (since my last "serious" relationship). Not necessarily get married, but you know... a real relationship that could one day lead to that. I've had my share of flings, dates, and relationships... but I know I'm ready for real love. There's finally this guy, and he is totally perfect... by the books at least. He is 23, graduated in engineering and about to get a job. He is someone who would never hurt me, he is very nice, he is cute, he REALLY likes me. That's the problem though... he REALLY REALLY likes me. To a smothering extent... I think.

See, I'm not sure if it's just me, or if he really is too much. Is there a such thing as being too nice? Examples/further explanations: he is a 23 yr old virgin, so I have a feeling he is just really horny and really into me and hasn't had the dating experience I've had, so he probably just doesn't know you should play a little hard to get. The other night he told me "you're so pretty" about 5 times within 10 minutes each other... it just makes it not special. I've been through a lot [really hard times in high school] and it's made me the strong woman I am today! Furthermore, I am not used to anything coming so easily... I work for what I get. This is just too easy though... like "why are you so obsessed with me... back off!" Does that make sense?

Tonight he texted me "goodnight, hope to dream of you" and I just want to scream. It's too soon for that! I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I do/did like him, but when he starts getting so obsessive I get turned off and then can't seem to switch it back off until time goes by and I realize what is gone. We met a few months ago, this cycle of him being way too into it happened and I ended it, then summer loneliness came and I did some relationship research etc. and realized that he has many qualities that you want in a man. That even though there may not be this "amazing spark" and "infatuation" on my behalf, that that's not what matters in the end once time, marriage, kids, etc. comes along. I therefore came to my senses, had a talk with him and said "let's just be friends and see where things go" but then we just started acting like we were dating again and that's led to now, the same situation all over again.

I know there are so many fabulous women on this website who have amazing insight from just having experience with boys and marriage and also knowing that stressful times (ie. nursing school) may be just making me subconsciously push him away in efforts to only handle so much at one time. He really is a great person, and I WANT to want him, just don't know if I could ever be at his level if I'm already this turned off.

Thanks in advance and look forward to hearing from you all!

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Trust your gut.

He sounds like someone who is sweet and charming on the surface but very controlling or very needy underneath. Or worse--he could be both.

he is totally perfect... by the books at least.

This phrase shows you know the score on some level. He's great in theory, but . . .

he is very nice, he is cute, he REALLY likes me. That's the problem though... he REALLY REALLY likes me. To a smothering extent... I think.

This is just too easy though... like "why are you so obsessed with me... back off!" Does that make sense?

when he starts getting so obsessive I get turned off

He really is a great person, and I WANT to want him, just don't know if I could ever be at his level if I'm already this turned off.

You already know the answer to your question, but let me help you understand the reasoning.

It's normal for two people who are in love to be a bit obsessive about each other. What's wrong with this picture is that only one person is "in love," and he's not paying attention to what's happening with you. If he were tuned in, he'd know to back off and give you a chance to develop similar feelings for him. Mutual obsession is exhilarating. One-sided obsession is burdensome and can become creepy.

It could just be a gap in your maturity. You sound like you're about 25, while he comes off like a 15 year old suffering the first pangs of puppy love. If that's the case, this can't possibly work until he does a lot of growing up, and he has to do that independently without extracting any promises from you that you'll wait for him.

In other words, you have to cut him loose and go your separate ways. If someday you meet again and he's caught up to you, then maybe you'll find yourself interested, but now is not the right time.

That's best case. Worst case is that he has some stalker qualities and would be willing to guilt or pressure you into being his dream girl. In that case, run far and fast, and don't look back.

You aren't going to be able to make him understand what's happening here. If he's the nice but immature guy in the first scenario, he'll beg and plead and promise he'll change if you'll just give him another chance. That is exactly the wrong response as it reeks of the immaturity that is the problem in the first place.

Just tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and he deserves someone who will really appreciate him. Don't engage in any kind of discussion. The only way to extricate yourself is not to argue at all, but just to walk away. And be prepared that he might try to tell you he's hurt/crushed/devastated. He'll get over it.

If he's got a controlling streak, he may become angry and try to convince you that you owe him something. For that reason, make sure you're in a public place when you break it off. Don't assume that because he's been so nice he won't turn on you. People do crazy things when they feel threatened. Again, don't try to reason with him. Just do what you need to do and resist the urge to argue or discuss matters any further. If he does exhibit a dark side, get help right away. PM me if you need more info.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know about the future of this relationship. He's not the one for you. At least not right now. Yes, it's tempting to find someone who appears to offer stability and the prospect of a good life, but there are other decent guys out there who will not leave you feeling so torn.

Remember the words of an old song, "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along."

I wish you the absolute best. Let us know what happens.

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That was such an amazing response! Thank you so, so much for all of your insight. You are oh so wise and I really appreciate it!

I know you are most likely right, and it's hard to hear... simply because I have always had a fear of never getting married/finding the one. I've struggled with self confidence issues in the past, but in the latest few years I have made impeccable strides. I am now aware of my gifts; I know that I am smart, funny, curvy, etc. However, because I've dreamed of getting married and having my own family since I was a little girl (literally, I have a word document saved from when I was just a child of names for my future children), it is hard to let go of someone who I know could provide for a future family one day (monetarily, at least, but I know that's not enough to take misery!).

I don't think he would be the controlling type/worst scenario - thank goodness. I really think he is just so obsessive due to lack of experience and me being his first real relationship (well, it's a relationship in his eyes... I know better!) Still, you are definitely right about the maturity thing - it is like he is 15 just getting his first girlfriend and can't keep his hands off me.

Do you think there is anything I could say to make him snap out of it, or is it just simply too must to ask of someone to basically mature overnight? I was thinking of next time he says "you're so pretty... I hope to dream of you... etc." I could say "look I really appreciate that, but when you say it so much it becomes smothering/turn off." However, although it could help a bit, my gut tells me I will never shake this off and will never get on his level of infatuation (like you said, the 1 person in love/1 not! I loved that bit...)

Look forward to hearing your response!

Anyone else who would love to say their take/advice is more than welcome to!

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Do you think there is anything I could say to make him snap out of it, or is it just simply too must to ask of someone to basically mature overnight?
Even if you could "snap him out of it," you'd still be calling the shots. And he'd probably need a lot of reminders. This is not the kind of situation that leads to you respecting your partner. It's more like parenting than engaging in a grown up relationship.

You are 21 years old. That's awfully young to worry about ending up alone. It's great to want to be married and have a family, but not at the expense of your future happiness. Settling down with (and settling for) the wrong person because you crave security and domestic bliss is a recipe for heartache. Especially if you bring children into the equation.

Instead of seeking after marriage, do what you wish this young man would do and back off a little. Play hard to get. Turn your mind to other things, and let love come looking for you.

Build good solid friendships with all kinds of people. Develop areas of interest that nourish your spirit. Do occasional adventurous things that take you out of your comfort zone.

Trust that the one you are hoping for will cross your path. This will keep the desperation out of your demeanor. Guys hate that just like you hate the slobbery affection the current young man is showing you.

Learn who you are so that when the right man comes along, you'll have something to offer and you'll know where your boundaries are. If you are busy being you to the best of your ability, then you will draw the attention of someone who is looking for what you have to offer.

Relax. Trust. Build friendships. Have adventures. Practice patience. Show kindness. Live, learn and laugh. Then you will be ready for whatever the future holds.

You sound like a very special person.

Edited by rn/writer

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Thank you SO much for all of the advice and input. I am lost for words (that's a first...) because I surely did not expect such amazing responses!

One day soon, I'm going to end it. It's just not fair for only him to be infatuated; I want to feel crazy about someone too! I know he catches my drift and senses that I am pulling away by some of the things he has said, so it boggles my mind that he hasn't pulled back and actually has only continued to push further.

Will definitely keep you posted. Silly question but how do I PM you? For some reason, I think I read that I don't have access to that function but I would love to keep in touch. All of this really meant so much to me! Thank you so much again :)

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You will be able to use the PM system once you have 15 posts. We set this threshold to keep out unscrupulous people who want to come in and start PMing members with spam.

I'm so glad that you took my posts in the spirit they were meant. I have learned much from watching others go through all kinds of relationship troubles. In fact, we have a saying in our family that I'd like to turn into a bumper sticker--"Don't marry potential." If you can't live with the person the way they are now, either wait or back away.

One thing I know--chasing love doesn't work. Live your life and let love find you, and then it will be right.

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The other thing to consider is.....he's just finished an Engineering degree. Engineering school shares something in common with nursing school, there might not be a lot of time for a social life! He may have kinda put his social life on hold for 5 years....so, instead of a 23 yr old.....he's like an 18 yr old with his first real girlfriend.

So, break it off if you need to, but if you like him, you may also just explain to him (kindly but directly....no innuendo here) that as much as you like him, you need some space.

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You need your space girlfriend.

I agree that if he is smothering, he is likely going to get jealous of you spending time with other people, which can lead to a controlling behavior.

I had a similar experience. And that's what it lead to.

He was very nice. Very sweet. Swept me off my feet with all the compliments he gave. I didn't notice it at first, but we spent a lot of time together. When I wanted to hang out with my friends, he got angry. He would then play the pity him card saying that I didn't want to hang out with him because I didn't like him, blah blah blah.

He gave me a promise ring. Should've seen that as a sign of being controlling, instead I thought it was sweet.

We worked together. God forbid I looked nice at work, apparently that meant I was trying to pick up someone else.

I let him guilt me into not having friends. I loved him (my first love) and I didn't want to hurt him. Then I realized, it just wasn't right.

I started hanging out with friends. He got upset. I was heading out the door to see a friend and he proceeded to grab me by my arm and yell at me. He wasn't the person I thought I knew. I left and he joined the Army. I haven't seen him since.

I met my now husband 4 months later. I wasn't out looking for love at all, I just fell into it. Literally.

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Thank you all for your input - so happy to read the many different perspectives!

Rn/writer - be looking for a PM from me once I have reached 15 posts :)

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Update: He called me tonight to "see what I've been up to" (I've greatly decreased the amt. of conversations we've had the past week) and then proceeded to say he "really wanted to get together to talk about us." He has a positive tone in his voice, meaning his state of complete oblivion remains even though he has noticed we haven't even been talking much, aka I've been pulling away.

-Please tell me all guys aren't this oblivious-

I have a crammed next two weeks of studying and studying only, and the mini breaks I take are none that would cause any stress whatsoever... aka: going to dinner to turn someone down and then who-knows-what is not on my list of things to do! When I explained that I have an insane week of school work, he persisted... but finally said "well we can just talk about it over the phone."

Unsure of what exactly he is going to say -prob somewhere along the lines of "let's take this to the next level"- but I guess I better prepare a good response before I call him in the next few days! Blech.

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Update: He called me tonight to "see what I've been up to" (I've greatly decreased the amt. of conversations we've had the past week) and then proceeded to say he "really wanted to get together to talk about us." He has a positive tone in his voice, meaning his state of complete oblivion remains even though he has noticed we haven't even been talking much, aka I've been pulling away.

-Please tell me all guys aren't this oblivious-

I have a crammed next two weeks of studying and studying only, and the mini breaks I take are none that would cause any stress whatsoever... aka: going to dinner to turn someone down and then who-knows-what is not on my list of things to do! When I explained that I have an insane week of school work, he persisted... but finally said "well we can just talk about it over the phone."

Unsure of what exactly he is going to say -prob somewhere along the lines of "let's take this to the next level"- but I guess I better prepare a good response before I call him in the next few days! Blech.

If he's had his head in a book for the past 5+ years....yes, he could be unaware of what's happening. I don't think this is a situation where subtlety is going to be effective.

In my opinion....if you want to end your relationship, you should do him the kindness of telling him.....not just becoming "unavailable" all the time (yes, I know you're also a busy student!!).

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I realize I am a little late replying to this... but, in my defense I am a new member. You are doing exactly what I did with my first husband-- settling. You HAVE to have that "spark", its a necessity! Life with kids, becomes that, you feel like a maid, a cook, a taxi... it is so important that you have a man in your life that you want to be with, who makes you feel like a woman, who you want to touch you... I had no passion in my first marriage. He had the qualities of a good man, he was nice, great job, and probably would have drank my bath water if I asked him to-- but there was no "spark". We grew apart over the years and finally got divorced. When I met my current husband, there was a spark from the beginning. It has never faded. He is everything I have ever wanted. My only regret is not meeting him sooner.

We've been together for 8 years now, and have three boys.

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