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3 kids in a relationship 9 yrs, no marriage

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I have been in a relationship with a great guy for 9yrs now. We have 3 kids together 1 which he raised since she was 6 months old. Our relationship is good but I want more. He knows that I want to get married and he said we will one day. In my mind I wonder why one day and not now, we have been living together for 8 years with three kids ages 4, 6, and 9. Financially we can't afford it and I wonder is he trying to wait til he is financially able to be a good provider. I am in nursing school and work as a CNA and he is in barber school and cuts hair on the side for the income. All my friends and family always tell us that we are like the perfect couple and seem so inlove. We are very much in love but I am tired of saying my boyfriend. What do I do in a situation like this? He is so good to me and is the husband I want and he tells me I am the one he will marry. Any advice please.

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I have no advice to give, but I am curious as to why you can't afford to be married, but you have 3 children. What does a marriage license cost these days?

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A simple appointment with the county clerk and a marriage is an easy and inexpensive thing to do. So, finances aren't really a reason.

I'd tell him he has to leave unless you get married.

He's getting all the bene's and no responsibility.

If you want to get married, stand your ground.

You aren't a doormat.

(I know I sound harsh - I do care about your situation and your children - I'm sending you a pm)

steph

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i agree with steph.

it has come to a point where you either continue as is, or take a stand.

from the sounds of your post, you are frustrated, and rightly so.

the thing is, you truly need to weigh all this out, before talking with him.

this would be a huge step on your part, with potential to win or lose.

prayers for strength, love, and resolution.

leslie

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If you really want to get married, and you don't have your heart set on a big bash, a quick trip to city hall will do it.

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The reason why I say financially we can't afford it right now is because I don't want to go in front of the JP and get married. It is our big day and I do want a decent wedding. I want my family and friends there and his also. I want our children to be in the wedding and soon. I want to thank you all for the words and I agree with most of them. I need to take a stand and let him know that if we don't get married in the next year it is over. Man where do I find the right words for this. I don't think anyone should be forced into marriage and I don't want him to think that nor do I want to feel like he only married me because I made him.

I know I will have to pray and ask God for the words.

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Please reconsider these priorities. A big party is not important to your children. A committed family is.

You can go to the JP tomorrow and host a celebration at any time in the future when you are able to afford it. Your friends and family will respect this decision.

Best to you.

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I know a big party is not important to my children and I have thought about going to the JP and having an affordable reception. I know the truth is if he were to say lets go get married tomorrow I would, big wedding or JP. Excuses huh. I just always wanted to be married and it seems like it will never happen. Is this my fault, what more can I do to let him know that I am tired of playing house and he get all the benifits without responsibility.

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I wanted my father to perform my marriage ceremony but he was out of the country for another 6 months. But I wanted to be married so as not to disrespect my parents (and my own) morals by living with my then boyfriend/now husband.

We had a sweet courthouse wedding with just 3 friends + his kids in attendance. 6 months later I had my fancy (though small) wedding with white dress, flowers, reception, and my whole family in attendance.

Small advantage is that we have 2 anniversaries we can celebrate if we choose.

I kind of think the separate ceremonies might be a good thing to recognize that there is a difference between the legal contractual marriage and the religious/God-focused marriage. When the marriage tax penalty was kicking our hineys a few years ago my husband and I talked about undoing our "courthouse" wedding and letting the Church wedding stand. I don't know if it would have helped but . . .

My brother-in-law and his wife were married a few months later (or between my two weddings if you please). They had a ceremony in a judge's office with family present, then a reception at her church a few weeks later. I guess our families march to the beat of a different drum.

Oh, and by the way, none of us "had" to get married. Don't let the lack of finances for a fancy party disrupt the security a binding legal marriage can provide your family and (specifically) your children.

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Small advantage is that we have 2 anniversaries we can celebrate if we choose.

QUOTE]

I have two anniversaries as well. It's a long story that I'll spare you, but one was held in the chapel with just our pastor, a close friend to witness and the two of us. Three months later we had our big church wedding and for years nobody but our kids, our parents, our friend, and the pastor knew we'd made it legal prior to that.

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OP I understand what you mean about having a bash.

My hubby and I eloped. We wanted to be married, but didn't have the money for a party yet. We needed to get married because of financial aid reasons at the school as well. He wasn't going to be able to go to school without us getting married, and it was important to both of us that he be able to go to culinary school.

I had a friend become ordained and she married us. Total cost was like $65. It doesn't change how special our marriage is to each other. No one knows we are married except for her and the witness (her husband.)

We are still having a ceremony and a party, on our 6 year anniversary of meeting actually. I haven't changed my name, as I want to wait until we have a ceremony to do that. That'll be something special I get to save for that day.

I'm an only child and I really want my mom to walk me down the aisle. I want that day to be special for her as well. My mom and I have a really close bond and this is something I want to give her. It's just a special thing I want to share with my mom.

We're taking close family with us down to Gatlinburg at small chapel during the week - $500. We're going to spend the whole weekend there and enjoy time with those closest to us. - $1000. To me, the wedding isn't just about my husband and I. It's about celebrating our relationship with those we love.

Then we're having a reception up here for everyone. He's a chef, so he knows a bunch of people to help cater. - $1000 max.

You need to do what is best for yourself. My mom told her boyfriend either give her a ring or she's leaving. Sure enough, they got engaged.

Edited by happy2learn

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You need a "ring and a date" . . .. or the wait could continue.

I think the fairy tale wedding needs to be seriously reconsidered especially if he's been putting this off through 3 children. I don't think he wants to get married.

Someone else said it - you either have to accept living together and stop asking to get married or simply say, we're getting married or you are leaving.

There is no middle ground here.

And by the way - how many lovely fancy gorgeous sentimental weddings have you been to where the couples later divorced? I've been to many.

The wedding shouldn't be the focus - the marriage should. The lifetime commitment should.

steph

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