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chiuli chiuli (Member)

Its horrible to ask this question here but

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I really respect nurses opinions. I dont want just anybody to tell me...

Im a 22 yr old adult with my own career living at my mothers house. I have been opressing feelings for the past 6 yrs or so. I have never dated in my life, never had a first date or a prom. I met this guy not too long ago and he wants me to drive out to see him. My question is , what do I tell her so I can go? She does support me so she still has say as to what I can do but at the same time, if she doesn't allow me to date then I can't live like this. Im 22 years old and its my life. She will ask me where Im going. What can be a good lie?

I dont feel like arguing with her or anyone else. Im an adult and if I want to date Im going to.

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Nobody 22 years old needs to lie to their mother to see someone. It is now time to move out of your mother's house and live the life of an adult.

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Nobody 22 years old needs to lie to their mother to see someone. It is now time to move out of your mother's house and live the life of an adult.

Agreed.

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The very last sentence of your post states it all.. You are an ADULT, you are allowed to date. Sorry but you are not a teenager anymore. I think your mom should know where you are going and when you will return (just as you would tell your roommate, so they didn't worry) but I don't think you need her permission. If this is not OK with her, time for you to move out.

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I understand that some mothers can be especially tough on their children when they start dating and the arguing can be really bad. Trust me I know. It can come out of different feelings by mom. It may be concern, like fear for you getting hurt or she getting "abandoned" or any number of things. I do not know the full relationship you have with your mother or who else she has in her life, but be honest with her.

I have seen some bad reactions from mothers and their 20-something daughters dating for the first time, so I think you are the only one who really knows why you are so concerned. What can she do?

Get your own place and always be careful. Double date. That might make her comfortable.

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I really respect nurses opinions. I dont want just anybody to tell me...

I met this guy not too long ago and he wants me to drive out to see him.

Dear chiuli,

This concerns me and not just because I'm the mother of two 22-year-olds. If you met this man on-line, please PLEASE be careful. As a psychiatric nurse I can tell you that there are a lot of people in the world who seem amazingly nice, sweet, smart - perfect. But there are very dark sides to them and they can target people who are lonely or are struggling with something like you seem to be. I worry about him asking you to drive out to see him. You don't say whether you are male or female, but that doesn't matter. You could be putting yourself in harms way.

Please consider having this guy meet you on your "turf" in surroundings you are comfortable with. If you need to, put him up in a motel (not a cheap by the hour type of place) and you can meet in public until you are certain of his intentions. Ask to see his drivers license to make sure he is who he says he is. Google him. Find out everything you can BEFORE agreeing to meet him. Let someone know where you are at all times.

I know this sounds unromantic and paranoid and it should. You cannot be too careful. If he gets upset and doesn't understand, then that should be a red flag. No one with good intentions will balk at your attempts to be safe.

I hope only the best for you. And please know, I found my prince online but only AFTER I spent a lot of time researching him, his friends, his job, and more. I had myself and my daughter to protect and he understood that.

Peace

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You don't mention your culture. We are all commenting from the Amercian cultural perspective. Your culture may provide some context here.

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You don't mention your culture. We are all commenting from the Amercian cultural perspective. Your culture may provide some context here.

Very true. My immediate reaction was "Chiuli, at 21 you already had the key of the door", but if you're from another culture, you need to tell us about it before we can offer advice.

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Tell her the truth. She might be able to handle it and she might be happy for you. I don't know any mother that doesn't want her child to be happy.

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As mentioned by NCindasun21, my first concern and thought was about the guy you are driving to meet. More details on that please.

And I agree that culture might come into play here.

Also, if you have your own "career", it is time to move out.

But please, be very very careful. (A mom's heart here - and yes, we worry).

steph

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If you're having a first meeting with someone you've met online, make sure you meet him in a public place, like a coffee shop. Drive your own car---don't pick him up, don't let him pick you up. Don't go to his place or let him come to yours, even if he seems like a "nice guy". Take your cell phone with you and ask a friend to call partway through the date so you have an excuse to get away if you don't want to be with him anymore. There are many wonderful people out there but there are also a lot of creeps who will take advantage of someone's trust and naivete. It's like they can sense inexperience.

Google the guy before you meet in person. Even if you have already met him in person, still, check him out. You might find that he's married or has a criminal record---or you might find out that he is the real thing. I remember finding out what I thought was a yellow flag in one guy's background that made me wonder if he was telling the truth. His college graduation date didn't seem right but I asked him about it, he told me that he graduated in three years rather than in four---which was true. He turned out to be a pretty good guy after all---we got married three and a half years ago. :)

As a mom, I do understand the overprotection thing, but your mother does need to let you have your own life. It seems to me that when kids are overprotected, they rebel in some of the worst ways and take terrible risks due to not having experience with dating or social experiences. You do need to get out on your own, just for your own sake and to develop the skills you need to make it as an adult. As others have said, maybe that isn't your culture, so if that's the case, you need to reconcile your culture with how you want to live your life.

Don't lie to your mother. A 22-year-old should not have to sneak around to see some guy. Maybe there are issues with family communication that make it difficult for you to bring up the subject with her.

Have you thought about speaking to a counselor who might give you some ideas as to how to become more independent and develop some social skills that you might have missed out on due to not dating until now?

I wish you the best in this. But please---be careful and stay safe.

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I feel for you because you sound lonely but as many posters have mentioned we would like to know more information. Your culture or religious background might help us understand more about your mom. If you were raised in the West was your mom? If this not relgious in nature is your mother from a war torn nation or some previous experience that has her in fear of men? Did you meet this guy online? You mentioned your mom supports you, do you have a part time job or are in college? I am concerned that you may be socially isolated not just from dating but from having friends. Do you have a good friend in your age group? It is never ok to lie to your mom no matter how old you get. Lying always snowballs until no one can tell fact from fiction. I know I may have sounded a bit rough on you but I don't mean to be. I support you but I want to know a few more things so we can all put our heads together about your situation.

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