I'm a Prison Mom, 5.5 years Down, 2 more to Go

My son has now been incarcerated for well over 5 years with 2 more to go. I recently came in contact with our expensive lawyer from the first part of this journey. Just a casual meeting and we exchanged pleasantries - he asked how we were doing and I did the same. I told him that this has forever changed our lives as far as the state of incarceration and prisons go but that we and our son are doing as well as can be expected. He seemed quite relieved and said that he often thinks of us and how he wished it could have turned out differently....and I agreed with a tight smile. I think he did his job to the best of his ability; its just a shame what it has cost us and I don't mean money either. 

The stress of having a child, even an adult one, in prison is very high. The stress for his child is even more - he misses Dad so much. Taking a child to prison is difficult: they must sit quietly while the adults check in and then they must sit quietly until our name is called, go thru the pat-down and then finally proceed to the visiting room. 

In the visiting room, the child must sit quietly and not be too loud, they can't make anything that might be interpreted as against the rules, no peace sign as it could be interpreted as a gang sign, no whistling as it has many different connotations in prison, no pointing as that is offensive and considered intrusive, no speaking with other children as that is considered cross-visiting and strictly forbidden. They can go up to the vending machines and purchase food/drinks but must be sure to remove their vending card as you run the risk of someone else taking it if left there. 

When you travel several hours, visits usually last several hours - its hard on the kids. What child will sit still for hours with little to entertain them? Sometimes there are cards, occasionally a chess set available. Some of the little ones cry and get fussy and many of the toddlers want to run around. However, you risk the ire of the correctional officer in the visiting room if this happens and you don't want to be asked to leave because you then risk having visits suspended. 

Speaking of the visiting room, the vending machines are the only way to purchase food. Your loved one will look forward to the food as the food they usually get isn't all that good. Our son is one of the fortunate who can go to the commissary and purchase food and he also has a hot pot. The vending machines are expensive, even our grandson noticed the recent hike:

Salad (which is very special for the chance to obtain some fresh or somewhat fresh veggies) costs $7.25

Hamburgers and sandwiches are $5.00 to $7.00

Lunchables, snack size are $6.00

Oh and the "good stuff" ie salads, milk, yoghurt sell out frequently and the vending machine company comes once per week. And...make sure they have utensils because you need a fork or spork to eat the salad although our son gladly ate a salad with his fingers during a recent visit because I didn't check the utensil bin prior to purchasing it. However, he was still very thankful. 

The end of visits can be grueling too - the tears of the children leaving their Dad behind, the tears of parents realizing the enormity of incarceration....our grandson no longer clings to his Dad at the end of visits but still is very sad and feels that he must always reassure his Dad that he will be back "as soon as I can Dad - I miss you so much." Often, our son tears up too at his own son bearing this burden. 

Our son is in a prison built for 600 and it holds 1200 currently. Out of the 1200, many do not have any family support at all and exist on "state pay" which is $10 per month to purchase any hygiene items they want. Some don't have anyone on the outside that sends them money for phones, commissary or more importantly, visit them. 

The expense of incarceration is toughest on the poor and disproportionately the poor are more readily incarcerated. This isn't meant to be political at all, but rather a commentary on what families of prisoners, inmates, offenders or whatever you want to call them go thru. I've learned so much in the last 5+ years; none of which I wanted to experience.