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If I could see you one last time... This is what I would say.

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NurseAlwaysNForever NurseAlwaysNForever (New Member) New Member

NurseAlwaysNForever is a Hospice Nurse with over 2 years in experience.

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How can everyone not be as affected by your death as we are?

If I could see you one last time... This is what I would say.

April 23, 2009

This date stands out in my mind like tragedies I learned about in history class. Pearl Harbor, the Korean War, Vietnam .. September 11. This is the day you died. I look out at the world around me and wonder how things can still go on the same. How can everyone not be as affected by your death as we are?

You were such a wonderful young man, such a wonderful father to your two children. It has been almost 7 months since you left us. In many ways it is like I saw you just yesterday, in others it seems like an eternity since I saw the brightness and laughter in your eyes. I long to hear your laugh, to see your smile. I want to listen to your corny jokes and tease you relentlessly. I want to see your truck pull up in to the drive way and hear your music blaring. I want to just sit down and ask how your day was, hear about the sales you made today. Mainly, I just want you back here with your family. Maybe that is selfish of me. You must have been suffering horribly to end things the way that you did.

I live each day with guilt. Guilt for not going to your home when you asked us to, guilt for not seeing what turmoil you were hiding. It must have been like a storm raging inside of you with the winds tearing you apart from the inside.

I'm a nurse. I should have seen that something was wrong, but I didn't.

Was it because you hid it so well or because I was in denial and didn't want to see it?

If I had noticed would I have been able to stop you, been able to talk you out of it some way or another?

Your brother and I would have done anything to save you if only you had let on in some way or another that things were so wrong. But we didn't and that is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life. The what might have been's, the could of , would of , should of's. I don't know how many people I have saved, but when it came to you, my dear brother in law, basically my little brother, I let you down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you and for your children. I'm sorry for your brother who loves you so much and for your mother, the most wonderful woman I know.

You showed no signs of depression, at least not to my trained eye. You were the all American family man. You would have died for you children to save them, but this death I never expected, not from you. I thought you were on top of the world. I never would have guessed that you were contemplating suicide. This has been so hard on all of us. Each day is so very hard. Even now I am trying to figure out how to take care of your children. Supply them with the things they need. I didn't realize it was so hard to care for children, not having any of my own.

Your letter stated you wanted us to take care of the kids. We are, to the best of our ability. We bought them new bikes and got them school clothes this year. Your wife lets us have them every weekend and 1 or 2 nights a week. We blamed her for your death because of the things she did to you so there are some hard feelings between us, but I realize now that I can't blame her. That has been one of the hardest things to try and deal with. Forgiving and forgetting the hurt she caused you. I know if you knew how this would have affected us you wouldn't have done it. I know that in the minute that you pulled the trigger you weren't thinking about us. I have realized that you were hurting so badly at that time that all you could think of was a way for a release.

I promise you that I will do my best to take care of your family. Once again I am sorry for letting you down and I want you to know that I love you so much and miss you dearly. I want to thank you for all the things you taught me. I want to let you know that your memories will live with me forever and that I will keep you alive in your children's minds by telling them about you. I will never let them forget you. Somehow we will make it through your birthday in 2 weeks, through Thanksgiving and Christmas. It won't be easy or fun, but we will do our best. I wish you were here to share it with us.

I've learned that it doesn't get miraculously better after you lose a loved one. You don't ever fix it or get over it. You learn a new way of life. Not necessarily the life you want, but it's a way of life. It's kind of like before death and after death time frames. We will learn this new way of life, we may never like it, but we will make the best of it as we can, one day at a time. May you rest in peace. All my love.

Hospice Nurse

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Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

I can feel your pain. :(

I wish you and your family the very best.

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Thank you so much. Sometimes it just helps to write about these things because you can't talk about them with your family because it might hurt them more. It's been hard and not getting easier yet, but all we can do is keep praying and try to make the best of what we are dealing with.

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Your writing shows some of the deepest pain that can be described. Last year, one of my family members attempted suicide on Super Bowl Sunday.

Please let us know how your family and you (!) are doing. We pray for your family to have peace. We pray for your BIL's soul. Please, forgive yourself. In a free will universe, some people inevitably make the wrong choice. :crying2:

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Wishing you peace in your heart.

None of us is ever responsible for the choices others make. Please don't blame yourself or anyone else.

It's not what others do or say to us, we can't control that. But, we can control how we choose to respond.

My heart goes out to your BIL, he must have been in a dreadful and dark place.

May he RIP.

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This post touch me personally as my brother committed suicide this past September, and everything that you said is exactly how I feel. Thank you so much for putting to words what I am feeling exactly! I hope you are doing better day by day. You and your family is in my thoughts and prayers!

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If I could see you one last time... This is what I would say, touched me personally and brought back a painful memory. My daughter's father committed suicide in 1984. There are times when I sit and wonder why. Why did he do it? As time went by the hurt eased but I will never forget. He was a good man and only God and he knows why he decided to end his life.

Don't blame yourself. If a person wants to hide something they will and many times I wonder why didn't they think about what it would do to their loved ones who are left behind, especially if they don't leave a reason why they had to do something like that.

God bless you and your family and I wish you peace and strength to get through this.

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your post made me cry,I have lost two friends to suicide and the question i always face is why? why didnt I see it,why didnt he share the pain. when I was 18 I tried to end my own life,because I had been raped. Sometimes there is no reaching the inner pain.i was lucky and recieved counceling and i am good now

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This was beautifully written and obviously written from the heart. My daughter tried to commit suicide 3 times in a year. We are so blessed to still have her. The guilt is overwhelming at times. Please try to remember, you had no control over what he did. God be with you and your family.

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I am actually in a similar situation. He is the love of my life, the soulmate and best friend. I ask myself the same questions everyday, i think of him many times a day. I am a nurse, i see it, i know it and believe i can make a different if i only try more and harder.

I called up his family forward the chat sessions to them, i also told them seek professional help. They might not really realized how seriouly their son and brother needed help. ( i live 600 miles away) The crisis center, intervention center and suicide hotline were really no help, i didn't really know what i can do besides listen, talk and try to coach him one day at a time.

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Your story touched my heart, my daughter in law did not commit suicide but she died three and a half years ago. I miss her so much and regret that her young life was never lived to its fullest. She was a nurse and knew she would die. She tried to prepare me but I couldn't listen. I couldn't face it. After she left us I set up a webpage so that I, her friends and acquaintances could post thoughts and stories about her and the impact she had on their lives. Angie was indeed a special angel. I think of her daily, the memories are especially hard around the holidays. I write this to tell you that even though time will not take away the hurt, you will learn to live again and remember the good times. I call it growing scar tissue around your heart. May God wrap you in his love and give you peace. If I could see her one more time there is no way I could thank her for loving my son and sharing her gift of love with us.

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