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I think I'm just about at the end of my rope...

Lounge   (228 Views 5 Comments)
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I feel like I'm trapped in a room with no way out.   I picture in my head, someone running around a big room with blue steel walls, bouncing off of said walls trying to find a way out of the room, and can't.

That is literally how my life feels right now.

I used to be such a happy person.  In fact I prided myself on the fact that I was happy.  I try to see humor in everything.  I try to laugh at things.  I try not to take life so seriously.  I SHOULD be happy.  My life is not that bad.   Maybe it's just more monotonous than anything. 

I posted an article/blog post about my husband about a week ago.   He no longer feels like a partner, or even much of a friend.  He is just... there.  He doesn't help out around the house at all, and tends to get angry if I even ask him to help with anything.  He tends to come home from work and camp out in his recliner, then he goes to bed about 830 every single night.  He constantly wants to let us all know how bad he is feeling, or what is hurting. 

My kids are wonderful, and they are the world to me... but it's not enough.  It's just not enough.  I have no social life to speak of.  I have a handful of friends, none of whom are really truly actively IN my life.  None of whom I feel like I can just call up at a moment's notice and just say hey, what's up, lets go for coffee.  Okay I have ONE, she works with me.  She's cool.  I wish I didn't feel like I'd lose her if I left my job for another one.   I didn't use to want or feel like I needed, a social life.  I used to feel like my husband and kids were plenty.  That's back before my husband turned into a ghost.  A shell.

I miss those days.

I have a nice house.  That should make me happy, right?  It did, for a while!  Now I'm ready to sell the place and go back to a much smaller house; the very thing that I wanted for so long to get away from.  Our old house was so small and crowded... but as its size was small, so was our mortgage!   Now I'm stuck in high paying nursing jobs, and thus highly stressful nursing jobs. I'm stuck.

Did I mention, hubby does work.  That should make me happy I suppose.  At least he works.  Wonder if he would bring in more money if he just applied for disability and got it over with.  Because he sure doesn't make very much now.  He never has.  I've been the breadwinner for a very long time.

I don't even feel close to my family anymore.  MY family I mean.  My parents and my brother.  My brother has his own, very active life and doesn't have much time for his ol' sister.  My parents... I love them dearly and it is purely my fault that we are not as close as we could be.  I don't call them or visit enough.  That's something I CAN change, fairly easily.   Something I NEED to change, before it's too late.

Life is really.. not good right now.  It should be.  It's just not. 

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Oh NurseCard: I've enjoyed your posts over the years. We had a few good conversations. I remember realizing you weren't a St. Louis Cardinals fan when I wrongly assumed you were. 

I don't know what to say except that I'm praying for you and your husband. 

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I went to counseling a couple of years ago and I remember saying the same thing "I should be happy....but I'm not, I'm anxious and depressed".    I'm not saying you need counseling but that it brings back memories.

I think the first step is doing what you're doing and just acknowledging and accepting these as they are.   You husband sounds depressed from his pain and illness but he has to be the one to take care of that.

Start simple and just think of one thing you can change, or one thing you can add to make your life less stressful.   Just one simple thing like going for a walk, taking your kids to the movies.  Reaching out to your family and planning something.

I know you're just venting and not looking for advice.  Good luck with everything.  I think we all come to a point in life where we stop and reflect and don't always like what we see.

All the best.

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NurseCard-

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.  I, too, felt stuck in my marriage awhile back and things happened that made me choose to leave.  That may not be the answer for you, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.  Counseling has helped me in the past.  

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I concur with seeking counseling, and possibly for your husband as well. He sounds like he could be depressed. Plus, of course, you may look into other health related reasons for feeling blue.

I wish you all the best. For now, try to find joy where you can-your child's smile, a pretty sunrise, maybe a date night?

Take care

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