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AndrewCraigRN AndrewCraigRN (New Member) New Member

I need advice pertaining to my mom...

Relations   (5,214 Views 22 Comments)
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First of all, this has nothing to do with nursing at all. I'm looking for some advice, because frankly, I'm pretty sure a majority of people on here on this site are women, for this, I believe all of you out there may have some insight to her situation. But, I'll give you some idea of what is going on. First of all, Me and my mom are exceptionally close. She was a single mother a majority of my life, and for that, she is really independent and strong. She has taken care of me to the best of her ability, and she has done an exceptional job. I had whatever I needed when I grew up. Decent clothes, school stuff, gifts, etc. She really made sure that I had the childhood that she didn't as she grew up herself. Also as I grew up, I was essentially the person she confided in when she was hurting inside. Whenever she had a bad break up, we talked. Whenever she had a bad day, we talked. We talked so much, that whenever she was hurting due to a bad breakup, I became exceptionally protective of her. But I only became protective because I was old enough to say so. My mother has been divorced 3 times, but through no fault of her own, each guy was a real POS. First guy, my dad, was in the navy, and this was her first marriage, and he was traveling with the job, it just didn't work out. Second guy, I don't know a whole lot about, but obviously, it ended. Third guy, whom she was married to for seven years, was a compulsive liar about "missing" money, and had a drug problem, unbeknownst to my mom until later in the marriage. She tried her hardest to the point of sickness to work the third marriage out. He had back taxes, secret child support payments he didn't pay, but she still tried and tried and tried, but couldn't take in any longer.

Until finally, she met her dream guy on cupid.com. He was really a decent guy. He is well groomed, self sufficient, has a great job in Army Corps of Engineers, and has a nice condo. She didn't date him strictly for his money, but the fact that he took care of himself, and was successful, appealed to my mom because she didn't have to be a baby sitter/financial backer for another man. It was a relief for her, and she finally had someone to take care of her. They visited all kinds of nice cities, and even, went to canada and mexico together. They shared the same interestes, nice wine and beer, nice music. It really seemed to fit the ideal relationship for both of them.

Until recently, this perfect relationship started to fall apart. One night, my mom couldn't get a hold of Jim on his cell phone. This was odd, because Jim would text and call so frequently, that it would be slightly annoying. So, we decided to take alittle stroll over to his condo. We open the garage door and his car isn't there. Hmm? This seems odd. We walk in, and his dog is still in the pen. So we start calling all the ERs in the area wondering if he may have gotten into an accident. No luck in finding him in the ER, but a relief he is ok. We start to leave, and my mom directs me to a local bar that they usually go to. It's one of their favorites. We drive in back and we find his car. This is even more odd. We walk inside the back door, and I see him. Sitting next to another woman. I ask my mom to stay in the back, because I wanted to find out for myself what was going on. She does so. I walk next to them, sit down, and just listen. Then he turns to order another beer, and sees me. He greets me,but I could hear in his voice, he was slightly surprised, but more worried. I introduce myself to the woman, and simply say," Jim, we've been looking for you, why don't you give my mom a call?" We end up leaving, and my mom is literally speachless. He calls in a frantic saying that it's just a friend from work, and they happen to run into eachother. I tell him my mom will call you when she wants to talk. We drive home, and I end up leaving again, going down to the bar, asking people if they saw them getting too friendly. No one saw anything, doubtful, but whatever. I end up driving over to his house that night, merely not to yell at him, but to hear his side of the story. Apparently, it's just a work friend, they ran into eachother, and that's it. No bad intentions. Ok, I give him the benefit of the doubt, it's just a miss understanding. And so does my mom. She forgives him. But, a couple weeks later he does the same thing. We end up finding out from one of my mom's co-workers that sees him down there, and my mom actually forgave him again. But, with an ultimatum,"three strikes your out" type of deal. But, she finds him again with her at the bar tonight. My mom packed up his stuff his and I took it too him when he drove by.

You see, I gave the guy the benefit of a doubt the first time. I even went along with my mom the second time. But a third? Come on now Jim! First of all, even if it's just a innocent hang-out session, as anyone knows, you Atleast call your Girlfriend. Am I wrong? That just isn't right. If you a guy hangs out with a female without consent, or atleast calling to find out, that's just wrong. It invades the trust between a man and a woman. And I told him all this, and apparently, after the fact he realizes what he had done wrong. But as he says, it was merely just a beer. THAT is not the point my friend. And 3 times? no no no. That's not how it works.

So, my mom is in utter breakdown. She seams to think that something is wrong with her. But this isn't the case. My mom is a kind, forgiving, beautiful, woman. Among so many other qualities. I guess, I'm looking for any advice I could say or do in this situation. Ofcourse, I'm here for her. I've always been. I hurts me to that she thinks she has some awful flaw when in reality, she is a fantastic woman. She has had some serious bad luck finding a decent guy. So what would you do in my shoes? What would you say to try to ease the pain, if you were you in the same boat? Thank you for anything that would help me out!

-Andrew

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im only gonna speak becuz i work with all boys and im the ONLY girl ...i am in a committed 3 year long relationship with my bf and occasionaly me and a friend or friends go out for a drink after work . now, i see it as perfectly fine and harmless...but my bf on the otherhand, doesnt think the same . he see;s it as "innapropriate" - i dont . ask yourself, do YOU think he's a authentic good guy ?

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Well, a jerk is just a jerk, and any woman can meet one and the other way around. Help you mom get out there and in the mix again. Don't let her brood. If she doesn't feel like the dating scene, help her find som volunteer activity where she can get a sense of accomplishment.

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OMG! When I started reading your post, I really thought it was MY daughter writing it! Your mother and I could be twins!!!!!!! Wow.

She is being played.

It is possible to find a good guy. Mine.....I finally married a year ago. We dated for 6 years. We did have ups and downs, but we always talked. We put our expectations out there early. What we found acceptable and what we did not.

The one thing I did learn????? Mr. Right doesn't always look like the cover of GQ. But, he is sexy to me!

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Wow, thank you all! I definitely consider what all you have said. I appreciate the time taken to write a response!

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you're suspicions are probably correct. if it was just an innocent beer, then he should have no problem answering his phone and letting his mom know where he is and who he's with. i know i sure wouldn't. i hope your mom one day finds a good man to take care of her, i really do. you sound like an awesome son, she is very lucky to have you :)

i know this is painful for both you and your mother but you can't change jim and you can't cure a broken heart, you can just continue to be your mom's rock and let this heartache pass. i think online dating is a great avenue these days since your mom is older (and probably not interested in picking up guys at clubs :P) so she should try it out again.

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I've had a lot of bad luck with men, 3 long term relationships all ending in singlehood. So I know what it's like to find a good man that ended up being an ass. Your mom deserves better. I am suspicous because if these after work drinks with coworkers were really as innocent as he says they are then he would call her and let her know of his plans.

There is nothing wrong with your mom. The men in her life have been decieving and two faced. She is a kind and understanding woman among many other wonderful qualities. Unfortunately this makes her a target for the jerks that want to take advantage of her. Suggest taking a break from relationships and just focus on herself for awhile. Do what she wants to do, if you want you can take her out and just spend time as mom and son.

I hope things get better and one day when the right person comes around you'll both know it.

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Andrew,

I Believe in the beginning, Jim was totally smitten with your mother, and probably still is! He thought he had finally found the woman of his dreams and he did! And so, he no longer checked his inbox from Match.com and was satisfied with his "new found love" and life was good! But I bet he never took his profile off the website-and I feel that's where he met this other woman, not from work! And although your mom is a beautiful woman with many desirable attributes, sometimes those attributes empower a man so much that they feel compelled to throw away the best thing that has ever happened to them and suddenly, they think they are irresistible to all women and that every woman wants them!!! I don't know why some men adopt this way of thinking but they do!! And then before they know it, they've screwed up that "best thing" that had come there way, just like Jim did with your mom. I've been there before in your mother's shoes, as many women on this site have probably been as well! And I'm so sorry that your mother is going through this right now; I think it hurts so much worse the older you are because you know what you want in a partner since you have a little maturity under your belt and you realize how precious your time is and how much of it you've wasted on relationships that didn't pan out!! So, in putting yourself out there, you want someone who doesn't play games, who knows what they want, and shares the same morals and values that you deem to be important. I know your mother loves Jim, but she needs to love herself more. She needs to move on and find someone that is worthy of her essence and unfortunately, Jim does not fit the bill! She deserves better. And I promise you, she will find that special someone...he's out there!

-KaseyP

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I am looking at this from the perspective of a mature woman, and a mom with adult sons, one of whom happens to be named Andrew.

First of all, your mom needs to stop looking for "a man to take care of her." And second, she needs to run her own life. I would be appalled if one of my children got into the workings of my relationships with any man, as you have. She is a grown woman and should not be looking for someone protect her and intervene in relationships when things go wrong.

With three failed marriages and this relationship down the drain, I sincerely think your mom needs some counseling. Just like women who are abused keep getting into abusive relationships, she is attracted to, and sending out signals to, the "wrong kind" of men. Again, I am speaking from experience here. After a particularly bad breakup, I decided there were a lot of common threads in the relationships I had since I was divorced. (And I was married for over 20 years to my ex-husband. I consistantly chose men with the same characteristics, including my ex-husband. Now I look at things differently, believe me.) If your mom continues to make the same mistakes over and over, you can expect her to "get hurt" by men who use her, over and over. While it sounds like the men she married had their own issues, she is also the one that chose to be in those relationships and to stick around and try to "work things out". Most of what has happened to her is indeed, her own fault if she chooses to let it continue.

Your mom should not be putting this responsibility on you, either. She sounds like she missed some maturity lessons along the way. It is NOT your responsibility to see that your mom is in the dating scene or has friends or even if she is happy or not! She should be the one you come to with problems or to seek advice and not the other way around. But, to put it bluntly, you need to butt out of this part of her life, no matter how close you are. Seriously, I hope you mom (and you, too) seek some counseling or you will wind up neglecting your own life and relationships in order to "take care of your mom".

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