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n8isgr8 n8isgr8 (New Member) New Member

Has anyone's husband or wife returned after a separation?

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I know this is not a nursing topic, but I was looking for some type of encouragement. Trying to see if anyone out there has been in a similar situation and made it "through the rain".

I am 26. Hubby and I have been together for about 11 years, married for five. We have been through so much together, highschool sweethearts, marine corps (him not me), different states, different homes, a beautiful child who is now four, etc. He left me five months ago.

We got into a fight over something stupid and I told him to leave, we both knew I didn't mean forever, Just to cool things down. He left and called me 1/2 hr. later stating he doesn't love me anymore, and hadn't for two years, yet a month before he left he wrote me a beautiful note in an anniversary card saying how much he loves me and hopes to have many, many more.

He was going to try to work it out stating he just needed some time and space and later he stated he wants a divorce and wanted one A.S.A.P. Seems now he is willing to wait the 18 months that is in our state to get one.

There were no drugs, alcohol,or infidelity. Hubby was a great hubby. I thought I was the perfect wife, I was a stay at home mommy, house was always clean, always a hot meal on the table, made his lunches etc but I now know I wasn't, I was a nag, and controlling, always wanted things my way, but didn't see it till it was too late.

I begged him in the beginning to come home that I would change and he would not hear it. He would say different things all the time its not you, and then it is you and you will never change. I have stopped begging for him to come home, as I know this will push him further.

Lately things have been a little different, no fighting,but no real talking either. He has agreed to pay the mortgage and utilities for a year while I am in school. Christmas came and he ended up spending 9 hours at the house, granted four of those hours he was sleeping, (he came early), but the time together was so nice we talked, not about us, but about everything else, laughed and played, it was a nice time. So nice that I actually stepped outside and thanked God. He even offered me info that things were not going well at work and such.

Since then he calls to talk to our son he give me little comments on how cold he is at work and how work just mandated an extra hour, etc. He is nice but no sign of reconcilation. I pray all the time and am standing for my marriage. I love this man so much, more than words could say.

I took him for granted. I am just looking for hope.

Has anyone gone through a similar situation where hubby or wife came back?

I am sorry if this is too personal, but I would sincerely appreciate your stories. Thank you so much!:kiss :wavey: :kiss

Edited by Joe V

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Could you get him to go to marriage counselling with you? Professional help could really help you both out.

Good luck. :kiss

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sounds like it is over for him and he is trying to be nice about it. Why don't you ask him, instead of wondering? Also, make plans for life without him then see where that leads. You could be on the verge of a wonderful adventure and season of personal growth. I am not downplaying it---I have been there and each day is hard until you finally realize you are a person who deserves better than what you are getting. Good luck!!

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Some people are better friends after a divorce than when they are married.

It sounds like he has made up his mind and is finally at peace with his decision. I would guess that is why things are smoother now.

That is not to say there is not hope. Howerver, since you made it clear that you do not want it to end, the ball is in his court.

It now up to him. Do not beg. Do not say anymore on the subject because if there is hope you will push him further away by reminding him that you want to stay together.

I went though divorce and I went though another breakup where he came home. In both cases I did not want it to be over.

It was not until I decided to go on with my life and accepted that this had ended forever that he came back.

Pick up the peices and make plans for your life without him. Not if he doesn't return but with the understanding in your mind that he will not return.

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I went throught the same thing recently, my husband left me (he had an affair with a 28 yr old- he's 42) . He left in May. What a terrible summer that made for me and my 3 sons! Anyway...I can relate, I realized only after he left what a nag I had been and how hard i must have been to live with! The thing that got me through the summer was prayer, prayer, and more prayer. I read "The power of a praying wife" by Stormie Omartian, and "The power of a praying woman" (same author), those really strengthened me. I kept in contact with my husband, and after some rocky months, he did end up coming home in October. It was a total surprise to me when he did though! I know it wasn't because of anything I did, it was truly God's will for us to have a chance to repair our relationship. I do want you to remember that you should NOT blame yourself completely for a bad marriage, it is easy to sit around and blame yourself for all the little and big mistakes you made, if you think about it, he made his share too! I hope for you and your children's sake that this works out, but if it doesn't remember you are a person of value and have a lot to give, whether it be to your children, your family, or even another person sometime. Just keep praying, God answers all prayers. Good luck!

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Originally posted by n8isgr8

I know this is not a nursing topic, but I was looking for some type of encouragement. Trying to see if anyone out there has been in a similar situation and made it "through the rain". I am 26. Hubby and I have been together for about 11 years, married for five. We have been through so much together, highschool sweethearts, marine corps (him not me), different states, different homes, a beautiful child who is now four, etc. He left me five months ago. We got into a fight over something stupid and I told him to leave, we both knew I didn't mean forever, Just to cool things down. He left and called me 1/2 hr. later stating he doesn't love me anymore, and haddn't for two years, yet a month before he left he wote me a beautiful note in an anniversary card saying how much he loves me and hopes to have many, many more. He was going to try to work it out stating he just needed some time and space and later he stated he wants a divorce and wanted one A.S.A.P. Seems now he is willing to wait the 18 months that is in our state to get one. There were no drugs, alcohol,or infidelity. Hubby was a great hubby. I thought I was the perfect wife, I was a stay at home mommy, house was always clean, always a hot meal on the table, made his lunches etc. but I now know I wasn't, I was a nag, and controlling,always wanted things my way, but didn't see it till it was too late. I begged him in the beginning to come home that I would change and he would not hear it. He would say different things all the time its not you, and then it is you and you will never change. I have stopped begging for him to come home, as I know this will push him further. Lately things have been a little different, no fighting,but no real talking either. He has agreed to pay the mortgage and utilities for a year while I am in school. Christmas came and he ended up spending 9 hours at the house, granted four of those hours he was sleeping, (he came early), but the time together was so nice we talked, not about us, but about everything else, laughed and played, it was a nice time. So nice that I actually stepped outside and thanked God. He even offered me info that things were not going well at work and such. Since then when he calls to talk to our son he give me little comments on how cold he is at work and how work just mandated an extra hour, etc. He is nice but no sign of reconcilation. I pray all the time and am standing for my marriage. I love this man so much, more than words could say. I took him for granted. I am just looking for hope. Has anyone gone through a similar situation where hubby or wife came back? Or do you know of anyone this has happened to? I am sorry if this is too personal, but I would sincerely appreciate your stories. Thank you so much!:kiss :wavey: :kiss

I would print this out and give it to him. Written words are sometimes "easier to digest".

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((((((n8isgr8)))))) My heart goes out to you, and you'll be in my prayers for God's Will to be done in your situation with hubby. :)

I have gone through a divorce before. My belief is that if you set something free and it returns to you it was meant to be. If it does not return to you, let it go with love and move on with your life.

I let the first one go, and today he has proven to me and our three children (who are now adult women) that he wasn't worth keeping. He's not changed. He's still selfish and self-centered, hurting those who want to love him. So, all we can do for him is pray for him to one day love himself as much as those he hurts loves him.

I remarried several years after divorce number one. We have been married almost 14 years, but not without hard times I assure you. At times we were apart, then together, then apart...it was his choice to stay together. If it were not for my belief in God and the power of prayer, I would have said to him to leave and stay gone...stop following me from place to place. God healed our marriage for a reason. That healing could last for a season or a lifetime. Only God knows.

Relationships are extremely challenging. It's like growing up with a lot of siblings. Sometimes you're close, and sometimes you're not. Siblings always love each other, but don't always like each other. Marriage is like that at times. It's a very rocky road sometimes.

Let your husband have his space to regroup. Meanwhile, make something positive out of the time apart and work on who you are, and seek counseling for yourself. You'd be surprised to learn how much of a relationship depends on the individual's maturity level and self-understanding.

There are certain points in a marriage where it becomes like a workout at the gym. Let's start out on a treadmill, then increase the speed, then set the treadmill at an uphill climb advancing it until you feel like collapsing......then all of a sudden, you start to feel the cool down as the treadmill lowers to a flat level again. The pace begins to slow until it comes to a stop. You step off the treadmill, sit down (or lay down), and relax in the intensity of the exercise gone by as you try to regroup. You are then ready to get up and get refreshed, or move on to another exercise (challenge in life).

Marriage is hard because two people become one yet separate. Not easy, but oh so rewarding. It's not just about 'me'....but about 'us'...about me and him...and us. Keep that in mind. ;)

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I am sorry that you and your family are suffering through this situation. Please attempt to get counselling for yourself if hubby won't go. Make plans for a life without him,( only as an ex-spouse). Be realistic and set some short term goals for yourself and child. Find a church group that has a group for people in your situation. Keep busy, develop a new hobby, read a book, change your hair style. I know all of this sounds a little superficial, but he needs to see that you are making an effort to continue on with life without him. Now this is not to say that you should not be nice and polite when he calls or comes by, but do not beg him to return. If he comes back it has to be his decision and has to be because he wants to come back. I do think he has made a decision to leave and get a divorce, but only time will tell. No matter what happens you have my hopes and prayers for a happy future for yourself and your child. Please know we are here for moral support when you need us.

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Thank you all so much for your insight and stories. I feel blessed to have people willing to share their lives with me for encouragement. Thank you too, for your prayers. A prayer is the best gift you could receive, better than gold and yes, ...even chocolate!LOL.I sincerely thank you. You have given me hope tonight. Love Jami XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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I also just wanted to say that I forgot to mention in my long post(Sorry), that all his personal belongings are still at our house, He took only some clothes, not everything. He is an avid collector (these are the things he holds very dearly) and has left all that stuff too. Even when he got a Christmas gift from my son to add to his collection, he said that he was going to go put it upstairs with his collection. I asked him very nicely to take it so our son didn't see it at the house and think Daddy didn't like it cause he didn't take it. Just wanted to add that in. Thanks, and let me apologize for my earlier post being so long.

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Jami.....no apologies necessary. Glad you feel comfortable enough coming to this site to share your pain as well as any joyful times with us. We are all human, and we go through many situations that hurt us just like you. By sharing your pain with us here, you may never know how much you help someone else going through the same thing. We may be individuals, but we are more alike than we wish to admit sometimes. (((((((hugs))))))) May your night be a peaceful sleep, and your tomorrow be filled with hope. May your guardian angels watch over you and your child always. :angel2: :kiss

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I am going to move this thread to the Break Room as it is a more appropriate location.

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