Am I Mean?

  1. So, I know generally we don't use this forum for relationship advice...but since this is a forum with nurses ...I know you guys would understand more of where I'm coming from. I've been in a relationship for 1year and a half. I really love this man, I do. However, it's kind of feeling like I'm slowing down for him to catch up. I met him while I was a tech...he currently and is still working as a food server in the hospital. I was attracted to his humor, how nice he was , how he made me feel. I fell in love. Well fast forward I have my nursing degree and I'm making a lot more than I used to as a tech. Also he's restricted on paying for a date half the time so I put my money in to pay for our dinners or when we go out...I'm like well half and half. Another thing is he's struggling to obtain his GED. Dropped out of school because he had a hard knock life ...in his early 30's as well. He has passed everything except the math portion to which he has tried 3 times (and is really close like 2 points away) to passing.

    We sometimes get into arguments when I tell him my parents may be hesitant on their little girl dating someone that's not at the same pay level to not carry the weight. Or get into arguments about him feeling like I'm "better" than him and if he made more it wouldn't be like this (sigh no I don't) He's not lazy at all he has his own house and car but it's still a slow process with him. I love him and even stay by his side to make sure he obtains his GED to open doors because I know if I stick with him there will be a better outcome for the both of us to move in together and start our own family. It's just hard. He always tells me he's seen doctors dating housekeeping women and they are fine. I told him love doesn't pay the bills...I need a man who can financially secure me and have an education to fall back on. Idk am I being a witch? Am I being completely ridiculous ?? Mean ?? I've even told him without his GED we can not move in together either....idk looking for some advice to guide .....thanks
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    About Ms Petite 93, ADN, ASN, RN

    Joined: Jan '13; Posts: 255; Likes: 129

    14 Comments

  3. by   Triddin
    Sounds like you have to decide what your priorities are- someone who you say you love or someone different who potentially makes more money but isn't your current significant other
  4. by   Sour Lemon
    Cut him loose so he can find someone else. It doesn't matter if you're "mean" or not. You are who you are and he doesn't have what you're looking for. Marriage is a financial partnership as well as a romantic one. If you know he's not a good partner for you, quit wasting his time. And yours.
  5. by   Ms Petite 93
    Yes. It's hard because every time I do try to let go....it doesn't last for long...he's begging me back promising me that he is trying to do better it just takes time. He tells me I'm the only one for him.
  6. by   psu_213
    Quote from Ms Petite 93
    Yes. It's hard because every time I do try to let go....it doesn't last for long...he's begging me back promising me that he is trying to do better it just takes time. He tells me I'm the only one for him.
    Only you know what is best for you. Either your don't care about the financials and his difficulty obtained his GED. If you can't get over those things, then you have to end it. It is not mean or selfish of you to do that, but you have to be firm and it has to have finality. You would need to tell him that you cannot get past that, it will not work out, and that it is your final decision in the matter. If he begs you to come back or tries to make promises, you have to stand firm.

    Before all that, though, you need to decide what is important to you.
  7. by   MamaBeaRN2b
    I think, yes, you are mean. You sound like you're totally judging him for being poor and uneducated. Why should he have to pay for all the dates? Because he is a man?! Sounds to me like you've already decided he's not good enough for you so let the poor guy go.
  8. by   Ms Petite 93
    Actually I'm not judging him. I've been with him through a year and a half and he has always accredited me by being there for him through thick and thin. But then it's when the rubber makes a hard stop. I have even recently bought him a GED program and even drove him to get a book. Second he's the one not wanting to let go...not me. And I don't think I'm ready to either ....
  9. by   Ms Petite 93
    Quote from MamaBeaRN2b
    I think, yes, you are mean. You sound like you're totally judging him for being poor and uneducated. Why should he have to pay for all the dates? Because he is a man?! Sounds to me like you've already decided he's not good enough for you so let the poor guy go.
    That was directed towards you.
  10. by   Ms Petite 93
    Thank you to everyone that's replied. It's a sensitive topic for me just wanted some clearance in the head there. Again thank you.
  11. by   elkpark
    Quote from Ms Petite 93
    We sometimes get into arguments when I tell him my parents may be hesitant on their little girl dating someone that's not at the same pay level to not carry the weight.
    This statement, in particular, I do think is "mean." Stay with him or don't stay with him, but it seems pretty passive aggressive to me to say to him that your parents are concerned about him dating you because of his financial status (which, of course, anyone with any sense recognizes as you saying that you are concerned about dating him because you make more money than him). I was in a serious relationship for many years with someone I had met through work, someone who was a tech (working his way through college at the time) and I was an RN, and I made a heck of a lot more money than him. We both knew that, but I certainly didn't rub his nose in it or use that as a weapon!

    If money is what's important to you, then cut this guy loose so he can find someone who will actually appreciate him and value him for who he is, not how much money he does or doesn't make.
  12. by   Ms Petite 93
    Quote from elkpark
    This statement, in particular, I do think is "mean." Stay with him or don't stay with him, but it seems pretty passive aggressive to me to say to him that your parents are concerned about him dating you because of his financial status (which, of course, anyone with any sense recognizes as you saying that you are concerned about dating him because you make more money than him). I was in a serious relationship for many years with someone I had met through work, someone who was a tech (working his way through college at the time) and I was an RN, and I made a heck of a lot more money than him. We both knew that, but I certainly didn't rub his nose in it or use that as a weapon!

    If money is what's important to you, then cut this guy loose so he can find someone who will actually appreciate him and value him for who he is, not how much money he does or doesn't make.
    Ok I hear you thank you for replying. I do admit I go into passive aggressive modes. I love him for him not for the money. I just want to make sure we have a secure future with him getting his education as well as with his finances. I do value him believe me I do.
  13. by   elkpark
    Quote from Ms Petite 93
    Ok I hear you thank you for replying. I do admit I go into passive aggressive modes. I love him for him not for the money. I just want to make sure we have a secure future with him getting his education as well as with his finances. I do value him believe me I do.
    You say that you "love him for him, not for the money," but clearly the money is an issue for you. Maybe he doesn't really want to further his education. That's his choice. That's okay with you, or it's not. If you're working as an RN, you'll likely be making enough money for both of you to have "a secure future" together (esp. if he already owns a house), but it sounds like you are really bothered by the financial imbalance, regardless. He's right -- there are lots of couples in which one partner makes a lot more money than the other partner. If it's a straight couple and the man makes more money, that's the conventional, traditional model, and most people are comfortable with that. If it's the woman who's making more money, that's more challenging for a lot of people with conventional values and expectations. If they care about each other and are committed to the relationship, they make it work. If you can't make peace with the idea of making more money than him (and that possibly not changing over time), it would be kinder to let him go now and both move on.
  14. by   ARODtheCRNA2b
    Quote from Ms Petite 93
    So, I know generally we don't use this forum for relationship advice...but since this is a forum with nurses ...I know you guys would understand more of where I'm coming from. I've been in a relationship for 1year and a half. I really love this man, I do. However, it's kind of feeling like I'm slowing down for him to catch up. I met him while I was a tech...he currently and is still working as a food server in the hospital. I was attracted to his humor, how nice he was , how he made me feel. I fell in love. Well fast forward I have my nursing degree and I'm making a lot more than I used to as a tech. Also he's restricted on paying for a date half the time so I put my money in to pay for our dinners or when we go out...I'm like well half and half. Another thing is he's struggling to obtain his GED. Dropped out of school because he had a hard knock life ...in his early 30's as well. He has passed everything except the math portion to which he has tried 3 times (and is really close like 2 points away) to passing.

    We sometimes get into arguments when I tell him my parents may be hesitant on their little girl dating someone that's not at the same pay level to not carry the weight. Or get into arguments about him feeling like I'm "better" than him and if he made more it wouldn't be like this (sigh no I don't) He's not lazy at all he has his own house and car but it's still a slow process with him. I love him and even stay by his side to make sure he obtains his GED to open doors because I know if I stick with him there will be a better outcome for the both of us to move in together and start our own family. It's just hard. He always tells me he's seen doctors dating housekeeping women and they are fine. I told him love doesn't pay the bills...I need a man who can financially secure me and have an education to fall back on. Idk am I being a witch? Am I being completely ridiculous ?? Mean ?? I've even told him without his GED we can not move in together either....idk looking for some advice to guide .....thanks
    To be completely honest with you, you might disregard my comment because of how young I am. Here we go..

    As i might not be able to relate to the exact situation I understand where you're coming from.

    I'm 19. I have been in a relationship with the same guy since I was 12 ( he was 13). I am very driven (career wise) and i am way more mature than he is. I live by myself, I have a brand new car of the year, excellent credit, have a stable job, and go to school. He on the other hand is kinda just cruising through life, is inclined to a certain career but is indifferent, and doesn't have a job unless its summer (he goes to school full time). This at times can be a little frustrating, understandably. With that being said.. I absolutely love him and would do anything for him. I could give 2 craps if he cant afford to pay for our dates. Our relationship has ALWAYS been 50/50, if he cant pay i'll pay and visa versa. You mentioned you loved him... so my question is, do you truly and deep down LOVE LOVE him or not?. When I think of love i think of two people willing to help raise and better each other no matter the circumstance and loving and supporting them when times are tough. Can you help him with his GED? have you offered to help him? I help my boyfriend with his math and science classes and he helps me a ton with English. Also honestly sorry to say this but if you love someone you shouldn't feel like you're "better" than them. That's just how I feel. with all that being said, I do understand wanting a man to provide for you, but girl you can provide for yourself it sounds like. In the long-run yeah it would suck if you had to provide for you AND him but you said he's a hard worker. You need to sit down and talk to him as to where he sees himself in 5 years, with you and his career plans. Hope this helped a little

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