Orlette Orlette (New Member) New Member

Could my Mom be a Lesbian or I'm just Crazy??

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FIRST OF ALL: I know my last thread was kind of weird, and this one sounds weird too at first, BUT IT IS REALLY A SERIOUS QUESTION, I REALLY NEED OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE, SO PLEASE DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME OR THE SITUATION..

I have wondered very often why my mom is so different from other moms and I being her daughter (and only child) could never relate to her and ask questions and share experiences or anything of the "girly" things.

She doesn't act like a woman at all, though she doesn't look or act like a man either.

Today is the first time this question of whether she might be a L. ever occured to me..

I really need an outside perspective, because obviously she is my mom and I could never be objective when judging such a situation.

So I'll try to be brief and list the facts in point form.

-She only married once (my dad) and only because of "social pressure", she never loved or liked him, and they devorced two years after they got married.

-She never had any relationships serious or otherwise with men after, and never looked for them, she said she doesn't need any men in her life. But she never had any relationships with women either.

-Even when she was young, from what I hear she wasn't too interested in men, dating or anything "love-related" I even think maybe she didn't have any boyfriends, the only thing she ever said in that respect ever was" there was one boy who liked me, but I didn't like him" and that's it.

-SHe never cares or cared about her appearance, she never uses any makeup, she doesn't even know how to use it at all, has no interest what so ever in shopping, I asked her for like half-a-year that maybe we could go buy her some pretty outfit but she is just not interested, we only went shopping once and even then she resisted buying anything 'pretty" or "fancy" AT the same time though, she doesn't dress like a man either..

-When I ask her opinion about the guys that I myself like, or something about relationships, in the first case she just has nothing to contribute and in the second case, again, she directly says that she can't give me any advise since she didn't have relationships except that brief marriage with my dad.

- SHe also has no interest in making our place look nice, she just doesn't care

-She was and is very focused on the job, she is a scientist and she was very successful,and she is seriously the only woman who I know of who went alone with her daughter to a different country, because she got a good job there, without any help from husband or any one else.. Esp. seeing how we are coming from a somewhat more traditional society where men are more focused on career and women are more concerned with home, family and relationships.

- SO she never had any interest in men (at least for 21 years that I've known her and also from what I know from the past) or any girly stuff and we cannot relate as women at all.. That is especially obvious when I talk to "real" (for lack of a better word) women, like my aunt for instance. We can talk about guys, shopping, beauty, everything with her, it's such a contrast!

I know it is very difficult to tell for sure, but still, what would you say after reading all this about my mom? Can you be NOt interested in men at all, and Not act like a woman, but still Not be a lesbian either? DO you think maybe that's the case with my mom?

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Certainly none of us can answer your question but I do want to address some of the incorrect, but common misconceptions people have about LGBT. Some of the most beautiful or glamorous women are lesbian. Some of the manliest men are gay. Appearances tell little about someone's sexuality, especially if they choose not to be very open. Many women dress in clothing that looks very "manly" for a variety of reasons. many women, myself included, know little about makeup and prefer not to bother with many chemicals. There are many more facets to this part of your post.

Your mother sounds like she has devoted much of her life to her career. As a scientist her personality may not be quite the same as some other mothers. Depending on her job she may be used to working alone and feel very comfortable in that relationship.

As to your specific questions: There are many factors that impact a woman and how she relates to men. It would be very simplistic to think being lesbian is the only possible reason. Similar with "does not act like a woman". I have no idea what that really means. I personally do not think I act like many women I know. I rarely talk shopping other than the price of food, know little about beauty other than inner beauty shines through no matter what. I am heterosexual.

If she were lesbian how would you feel, do you think? Would it change anything in how you feel about her?

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My first thought is that she is depressed but then you said she was in to her career so now I'm thinking she has some sort of social phobia. It could be lots of things or nothing but none of your other "evidence" equates to lesbianism except no interest in relationships with men.

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I don't see it either. I am not crazy about buying clothes, never wear "girly" things, don't have a lot of shoes, don't like makeup, and am kind of a hermit.

Definitely married though.

I actually commend your mom for not bringing boyfriend after boyfriend into your life as a child. That can be very disruptive.

I don't chat about any of the things you think your mom should chat about. The fact that she is smart, has a great job and traveled with you out of the country is awesome!

To tell you the truth, if my husband dies before I do, I will not be interested in another relationship with a man. And that's simply because being married is hard and I'm 56 now . . . all the time it takes to get used to each other is not something I'm interested in at all.

And that doesn't make me a lesbian.

As aky and Sharon have mentioned, I think you have a stereotyped view of gay women.

Just love your mom and be grateful for her. Get your "girly" fix from your Aunt.

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My first thought is that she is depressed but then you said she was in to her career so now I'm thinking she has some sort of social phobia. It could be lots of things or nothing but none of your other "evidence" equates to lesbianism except no interest in relationships with men.

I thouhght the same thing about depression.

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There are folks who just don't want to be married. Has nothing to do with sexual proclivities . . . some folks don't want to have kids either. That's fine!

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Nothing about this post screams "lesbian" to me. A little depression, maybe, but I'm like Steph---not a girly-girl at all, couldn't care less about high heels or the latest fashion (if I have a 'style', I have yet to discover it), don't wear a lot of makeup etc. I've only been married once, but it's lasted 33 years even though I'm nobody's idea of a femme fatale.

But I like me, I'm good at what I do, and I'm happy with who I am---warts and all. Sounds like the OP's mom is a lot like me, frankly, and I'm not a lesbian either. Not that being a lesbian is a BAD thing; I have a couple of good friends who are, and they are lovely people. Also, my youngest son is gay and I fully support his lifestyle and the man he chose to be his life partner. There need be no shame in being homosexual, regardless of whether one is 'butch' or 'femme'. I would simply advise the OP to leave her mom alone, and once again, to go find friends her own age.

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I think you need to talk this over with your mother. I think you are using sterotypes of people that have NOTHING what so ever to do with the individual. There are some very beautiful women that are lesbians.

Maybe your Mom was too busy being a single Mom with a child that she needed to support with a full time job that requires professional dress and demeanor. Has she spent every spare dime on her pride and only joy......... her daughter? Is she perhaps still hurting or depressed at the loss of your Dad the love of her life....no one really knows the depths of a woman's broken heart.

If you MUST know.....(for frankly it doesn't concern you) you need to discuss this with your Mom and if she is....let her know that your undying love is for her and that you appreciate everything she has done for you.

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My first thought is that she is depressed but then you said she was in to her career so now I'm thinking she has some sort of social phobia. It could be lots of things or nothing but none of your other "evidence" equates to lesbianism except no interest in relationships with men.

I don't know about depression, or even social phobia; most scientists I know are pretty driven and focused on their work, often to the detriment of relationships outside their particular areas of expertise. But to them, this is what makes them happy, and they don't care so much about being maybe a bit socially awkward.

As far as being a lesbian goes, even showing a lack of interest in men doesn't necessarily point to that. It's entirely possible she's just asexual, with no interest in romantic relationships with either gender. It's not that uncommon.

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