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donaebukura donaebukura (New Member) New Member

Am I too harsh with my little sister??

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I have 3 sisters. I have a 27-year-old sister, I am 23, and my little sister is 13.

First of all, I don't like any of her friends. I love her to death. That is why I don't want her to make any mistakes. Well the thing is she is at that age where young teen girls want to put make up on, talk to boys go out, etc. I still want her to be my baby sister. I feel like she is growing so fast.

Secondly, we are from Europe. So she can't be with anyone else but our own kind. No disrespect. It's just a tradition. I went through her phone once and saw that she was talking to a boy. She said she will stop etc. Now I'm always checking who she calls etc.

Am I being too hard on her? What should I tell her, so she will know I'm doing it for her own good?

All her friends already have 2 or 3 boyfriends. I'm talking about a 13-year-old here lol. HELP!!!

Edited by VickyRN
grammar and formatting

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Nope, she's 13. When I was 13, I still played tag, climb walls, etc. None of that make-up stuff. As for boys, didn't really like anyone at all. Only as friends. Yup, I still played and mostly thought about what I'll be eating for lunch and snacks. lol, yea, I was so naive.

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I don't know what culture you are or even if you're in the USA, or what lines you thinks she's crossing, but she's entering her teenage years and sounds like a normal American. She's not going to be a little girl forever. Lost of kids that age "go steady" here in America and express an interest in boys, it's part of being an adolescent.

You need to give her space, stop going through her phone, and allow her to make her own mistakes and just be there for her. Limits should be set of course, by her parents and supported by you, but what she's doing sounds relatively harmless. In my opinion.

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i don't know how 13 yr olds define "boyfriend", but having 2-3 sounds potentially risque.

i mean, it's perfectly normal to want to experiment with makeup, take romantic interest in others...

in other words, she wants to be one of the big girls - perfectly normal.

you shouldn't be going through her personal items without her permission.

that's just plain wrong.

but - there's nothing wrong with having a sitdown with her, and sharing your memories of being 13, of the huge growing curves she faces, and where she could potentially hurt herself if she's not careful.

as an older sister, you have 10 yrs on her - so you have much to offer in terms of support and guidance.

it would be ideal if your little sister felt safe in coming to you for advice.

the only way this will happen, is if she trusts you and feels safe with you.

so please, earn that from her, because there is a wonderful opportunity of having a nurturing and meaningful relationship.

i wish you both the very best.:)

leslie

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I know that you mean well, and you do have a lot to offer her. But often the more you try to clamp down on her behavior, the more she is likely to rebel against your authority.

In my part of the country, many 13 year olds are at least trying on makeup, and having guys at school they call boyfriends. It's called being a teenager.Your parents (not you) need to sit down with her, establish boundaries and reasonable ground rules.As far as keeping her within her own cultural group, you can try, but the more you try to enforce that, the more you stand a good chance of driving her away. And spying on her will only make her more secretive and less likely to trust you, be open with you, and drive her farther away.

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The way I look at it is this: your sister is going through a normal process of trying to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life, taking chances, testing boundaries. Your parents will be the ones who are disciplining her and setting the rules.

You get to be the one who holds her by the hand and helps her transition through this time in her life, making sure she feels good about herself, and knowing that she has someone who loves her by her side, guiding her, and keeping her safe.

Just be there for her. There is nothing better than having a supportive, loving, older sister.

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I agree with all of the above..

You are diminishing the trust she has in you by going through her phone to see who she has called/texted..and that's mostly what she needs at this age...someone she can turn to and trust as she pokes her head out into the world..Believe me, I'm talking from experience...

With my 15yo baby sis (lol) we just talk it out..and most times when she says her feelings out loud, the gears click and she says, "Oh, maybe that's not a good idea."

My luck and God bless

:redbeathe

Afterthoughts:

Mazy said it perfectly!

We learn our best lessons from mistakes, and while those mistakes hurt, they teach us lessons, and those lessons mold us into who we are :)

Edited by Godisthere

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In general:

I would also like to throw out something that hasn't yet been touched upon. I have co-workers who were raised in another country. Some of them--especially the moms of teens--lament that their own children won't follow the rules of their home culture. That is a problem faced by many immigrants, especially those that have vastly different cultural norms. I suspect you spent most of your growing up years in your home country, while your little sister is much more Americanized.

For that reason, I think you need to be careful about how much of your cultural norms you impose on your little sister. Americanization will happen, whether you like it or not, but I would be careful about having her rebel against her own culture at this time.

Speaking specifically to the boyfriend thing: Are you sure they are "boyfriends" and not just friends who are boys? I have a son who is 14. He has friends who are girls, and he's even hung out with them at their homes (parents present, of course). He gets invited to their supervised get-togethers...boys and girls together. Are you making assumptions on the nature of the relationships?

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I have 3 sisters. I have a 27-year-old sister, I am 23, and my little sister is 13.

First of all, I don't like any of her friends. I love her to death. That is why I don't want her to make any mistakes. Well the thing is she is at that age where young teen girls want to put make up on, talk to boys go out, etc. I still want her to be my baby sister. I feel like she is growing so fast.

Secondly, we are from Europe. So she can't be with anyone else but our own kind. No disrespect. It's just a tradition. I went through her phone once and saw that she was talking to a boy. She said she will stop etc. Now I'm always checking who she calls etc.

Am I being too hard on her? What should I tell her, so she will know I'm doing it for her own good?

All her friends already have 2 or 3 boyfriends. I'm talking about a 13-year-old here lol. HELP!!!

This just might be what your sister thinks of you.

I love my sister BUT she tries to control my life. I wish she would get some friends or a hobby and leave me alone. I know she is searching my phone so I am more secretive. She treats me like a baby and ambarrasses me in front of my friends. She acts like a old bigot, I will date who I want. I will never confide in her. I do not trust her.

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13 is a really awkward age to be.

I think it's a little extreme that you go through her phone, as it may just cause her to find other potentially dangerous ways to talk to boys. Texting is not the only way; there is also social networking, and certain apps for portable devices that allow for texting without having a texting plan. I know because when I was in middle school, my parents used to always go through my phone, which led me to find alternative communication methods.

As for makeup and whatnot...

If you think the way she puts it on is unflattering, you could show her better ways to wear it (and hopefully more discreet, if that's what you're aiming for.) You're the big sis after all! That's the fun of it. I always wished I had a little sister.

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You are not only being too harsh, you are stepping outside of what would be an appropriate role for you in her life. She doesn't need another mother. Presumably your parents are perfectly capable of parenting her. And everyone here is right - your snooping, your lack of respect for her privacy and your pressure to stick to cultural norms that probably don't feel normal to HER are only going to hurt your relationship and destroy her trust in and respect for you.

Manage your own life and let your parents take care of managing hers. Given this is their third daughter, they have far more experience at this than you do.

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