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Trist Trist (Member)

Am I being selfish?

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Hello everyone,

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. I am feeling a little uncomfortable. My significant other and I am have been invited to attend a family party. In fact my significant other was invited. I told my significant other that I will attend the party only if we can leave at a reasonable time as I have a few items to attend to. My significant other got upset and stated he can not gurantee the time when we will leave the party. So I have decided not to attend. I must also note that in the past few years I have missed quite a few family parties as a result of us not agreeing on a time to leave. Keep in mind that my significant other attends all parties wheather I attend or not. I must say that I feeling pretty bad that I should go. I never really know what this person is thinking. For example the other day I stated that I wanted to purchase something and he agreed to half on the purchase. On arrival to the store his mood changed, so I paid my half, and I have decided to pay is half as well.

What are your thoughts?

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I don't understand why it is so important to leave a party at an agreed upon time. Do you think or even care that others may notice your absence from these family gatherings?

I am curious.

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Hello Poi Dog,

I do care. I really want to attend these family gatherings if it were up to me, I would attend every event. But sometimes I have other obligations on the same date, and if possible I would like to do both, But my significant other often doesn't give me an option either attend ot don't attend it's up to me he going regardless. He doesn't care how things appear.

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I wonder if you are too concerned with appearances, and not concerned enough about what is practical and acceptable to both of you.

Is it necessary for you to come and leave together?

If he prefers to stay late, why must you miss the entire event? Why not drive separately and leave in time to go to your other events?

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My ex was a social butterfly and a night owl that loved to stay late and be the last to leave a party. Very annoying. On at least two occasions (one was next door and I just walked home) I left him at the party and came home early to go to bed. There were other times we went to dinner with friends and he went out with them afterwards and I went home.

If you both have two means of transportation, this might be a compromise. People understand this, I would always say "I have to work tomorrow and get up at 5AM" or something like that.

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Thanks everyone for posting. Some great advise. I will try to compromise or arrive in separate forms of transport.

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What are your thoughts?

SINCE YOU ASKED, Trist.... This is one of the many reasons I am asocial and am not involved with my SO's family. There's always nit nit nit nit picking and pulling and why didn't you do this when I did this and on and on and on...

It took me years to find a niche where I was comfortable. Belinda has attempted to get me involved with her Family and Friends and I say, "You do whatever you want, just leave me out of it". I am happy and contented and I don't need a lot of Superficial Individuals doing "Games People Play" at any social gathering.

I live and I let live and I expect the same consideration from others.

Thank you for allowing me my say.

Dave

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it's not selfish if you want to leave at a reasonable time and make your own arrangements for transportation. We do that all the time in my family.

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Hello everyone,

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. I am feeling a little uncomfortable. My significant other and I am have been invited to attend a family party. In fact my significant other was invited. I told my significant other that I will attend the party only if we can leave at a reasonable time as I have a few items to attend to. My significant other got upset and stated he can not gurantee the time when we will leave the party. So I have decided not to attend. I must also note that in the past few years I have missed quite a few family parties as a result of us not agreeing on a time to leave. Keep in mind that my significant other attends all parties wheather I attend or not. I must say that I feeling pretty bad that I should go. I never really know what this person is thinking. For example the other day I stated that I wanted to purchase something and he agreed to half on the purchase. On arrival to the store his mood changed, so I paid my half, and I have decided to pay is half as well.

What are your thoughts?

I don't believe you are being selfish, but I also agree with the other poster who said you might be too concerned with making appearances. If this is true and you are trying to make everybody happy by showing up at multiple events in the same night then I think that's a little too unselfish. Figure out which event is more important and mix up family/friends/work events so you can make time for everyone, but don't try to appear everywhere just because you feel you need to please everyone.

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Thanks everyone for all the great responses. I will pick and choose my events. I will also try to travel with my own transportation so that I can freely leave when I want. Boy the days when you went where you wanted and when you wanted. It's not easy having a significant other in fact it's really hard.

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Is he passive-aggressive? From the little I read, he could be. I ditto what a few others have suggested. Take your own ride, you can then enjoy some couple time and then you bounce...!

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If you have been together for a few years, as I understand from your post, you need to be able to communicate well enough to agree on a plan. And compromise sometimes. Sometimes that might mean taking separate cars, other times it might mean one of you giving up what want for the other. Pardon my assessment, but it doesn't sound like the two of you have the best communication. Is this a relationship you really want to stick with??

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