Your Child becoming a Tween!

  1. Okay, my daughter just turned 10 y/o last month. Me being a nurse, my mom having been a nurse, I've always been very upfront and direct in our discussions about the various stages of life and their changes. Particularly with adolescent changes: breast development, hair growth, menstruation, etc.

    HOWEVER, dd is speaking w/ me last HS and says, "my breasts feel a lot harder" (changes been comin' for about 1.5 yrs now). So I ask her some questions, encourage her to talk to me about her feelings, answer her questions, assure her this is all normal. She feels real secure and seems to have a well-adjusted attitude about everything. What I wasn't prepared for was my reaction! I mean, I knew this was coming but... it's, it's wierd seeing this change in her. I view her as my "little" girl, you know? It just seems like it's too soon. Like maybe they're using too many hormones in the foods now days. It just all seems premature to me. I don't remember this @ 10 y/o! Yet, everything I read says, yes, indeed, this is normal development for this age. I don't feel like a "baby" her. In fact, I enjoy our interactions more & more as she grows. And my parental actions are very much guided with the intention of her becoming a happy, productive adult. What I mean is, I guess I'm "end result" oriented. This just seems (as I've said b4) WAY too soon!

    I know about adjustments you go through as an adult, actually having children of your own (new parent) and adjustment changes you have when they leave for college (empty nest), have their own children, etc. But this feels kind of like an adjustment period to me as well.

    Were any of you taken off guard when your kids started becoming adolscents?
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  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   H ynnoD
    Wait till she kisses her first boy.I think thats the hardest to adjust to. The physical changes are the easy part.My daughter just turned 13.I don't want her getting stuck on some boy and missing out on things because her mind is somewhere else.I also want her to learn to do everything on her own.Not to someday have to rely on someone else.I want my kids to be independant.
  4. by   Kelly_the_Great
    Quote from H ynnoD
    Wait till she kisses her first boy.I think thats the hardest to adjust to. The physical changes are the easy part.My daughter just turned 13.I don't want her getting stuck on some boy and missing out on things because her mind is somewhere else.I also want her to learn to do everything on her own.Not to someday have to rely on someone else.I want my kids to be independant.
    Yep, also yesterday (what was up w/ this day???) she had a little incident. There's this boy in her class who she hates, hates, hates! This little boy comments on her hair all the time (why'd you wear those barrettes, why'd you flip your hair today) and her clothes. He butts into her conversations w/ others. He also threatens to tell on her for "being mean" or sometimes he's threatened to do it for nothing @ all, just for th' sake of doin' it!

    I'm in agreement w/ you about the "boy" stuff. She says (she's in 4th grade) there are kids who are boyfriend/girlfriend. This is something I have greatly discouraged. Explaining the need for FRIENDS not "boyfriends." For the same reasons you mentioned. Anyway, she's got 3 friends who are boys (in addtn.. to some girl friends) and they share the same taste in books - recently they'd all been reading Chronicles of Narnia series b4 the movie. So for Christmas she got them books (she also picked out books for her g/fs too) at their party. This boy that she has this rift w/ says "well why didn't you get me one." The other boys jump in sayin', "she's our friend not yours!" Drama! (@ this piont, I'm beginning to think, "wait a minute, maybe this is this phenomena you hear about little boys being mean to girls that they like" - you know like th' pigtail in the inkwell thing?)

    Anways, she gets back to class after Christmas break & she's still having problems w/ this boy. I had hoped things could just be worked out on their own but seems like it's just getting worse & worse. So, I call the teacher and tell her about the conflict, my suspicions and could she keep & eye on things & separate if necessary. She echos my suspicions and has a "sit down" w/ the 2 of them. She asks what dd about some specifics, dd responds "well he makes fun of my hair" , little boy responds "i meant it as a compliment!"...LOL
    Last edit by Kelly_the_Great on Jan 5, '06
  5. by   meownsmile
    OH i remember so well. My youngest is a sophmore now, but i remember asking (after hearing the comment she's "going" with ??), where they "going"?hehhe!!!
    They know everything in another year, so have those "talks" and quick. They soon will share their first kiss at the skating rink or whatever and it moves faster from there.
    All ya can do is keepem safe and truthfully informed and hope they make the right choices.
  6. by   Fonenurse
    I hate to tell you guys this, but it gets harder. My DD just turned 18. Now we are really close, and she has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend stays at our home some times as his parents live 300 miles away and I reckon he needs family life real bad - he is a boarder at a local school. One time I found them asleep in each others arms. Now I know nothing 'has happened' between them, but oh boy was I torn - as a friend I am glad she is independent and I have done a good job as a mum to get her to that stage, but at the same time this is my 'baby' and I am really jealous that this boy is taking her further away from me... it's silly, I know this, but I feel that this is the beginning of her adult life and I can no longer protect her like I used to - it's the real test of whether I have done my job properly or not... now with my grandson it's different - I jut watch from the sidelines and dote - now this role I like!
  7. by   leslie :-D
    i've learned that having a boyfriend/girlfriend means different things at different ages. my youngest ds, 12 yo shared w/me he has a girlfriend. when i see the both of them together, they act like best friends. when they were watching a movie together, they held hands. but when she was getting picked up by her parents, i let them have their privacy as they said good-bye. (NOT)...i discreetly watched them and my ds kissed her on the cheek. nothing seemed remotely sexual or suggestive.

    my 16 yo dd calls it 'hooking up' yet i still don't worry about her yet (in this aspect anyway). she loves the challenge of getting a guy but once she gets him, she drops him as the chase is over.

    my 15 yo ds is too preoccupied w/his sports and just hasn't been in any hurry.

    but throughout the yrs., i have always initiated conversation re: sex, peers,pressures, menstruation and I'M the one who even had to forewarn my sons about erections and 'wet dreams' so they wouldn't panic when it happened. but i always made a point to sound so casual about it that it spared them any embarrassment. to this day, they all come to me w/questions and 'what ifs'.

    leslie
  8. by   tencat
    My daughter is only 2 1/2, thank the Maker, but I taught kids ages 12-18, and it ain't an easy time for ANYONE. Especially when they're about 11-14ish. Oy. All you parents out there, please, please, PLEASE stay involved with your kids throughout middle school and high school! They will tell you they are embarrassed by you, they will act like it's the end of the world if you show up at school, they'll tell you to mind your own business. DON'T! A majority of parents really back out of their kids' lives at this time, thinking that's what's best. You need to know who your kid is, who he/she hangs out with, how he/she does in school. They need you desperately at this time, even though they are saying otherwise. Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now! :wink2:
  9. by   Roy Fokker
    Quote from tencat
    My daughter is only 2 1/2, thank the Maker, but I taught kids ages 12-18, and it ain't an easy time for ANYONE. Especially when they're about 11-14ish. Oy. All you parents out there, please, please, PLEASE stay involved with your kids throughout middle school and high school! They will tell you they are embarrassed by you, they will act like it's the end of the world if you show up at school, they'll tell you to mind your own business. DON'T! A majority of parents really back out of their kids' lives at this time, thinking that's what's best. You need to know who your kid is, who he/she hangs out with, how he/she does in school. They need you desperately at this time, even though they are saying otherwise. Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now! :wink2:
    Naw! No soapbox. I just got done with my teenage years and boy am I glad my Mother atleast took interest in my life.

    For goodness knows what kind of stupid punk I might have turned into :stone I disliked every minute of it, but 5 years on... I'm glad my parents did what they did.
  10. by   RNin2007
    I hear ya! I have a tween too...11 yr old girl. I am SO glad that she is staying as young as long as she can (still thinks boys are gross) and has a great friend just 3 blocks away. In fact, I was so concerned about her group of friends, when her best friend moved away, we FOLLOWED them (half an hour away) just to ensure that she would stick with a good crowd. Her best friends parents are totally on the same page as we are as far as raising children. It makes a world of difference who your kid is hanging out with. I know that from experience, lol. I was "one of those" at her age...and didn't want the nightmare to repeat....(my poor parents).

    ~J
  11. by   Kelly_the_Great
    I remember my mom telling me one of the biggest challenges to raising your children (particularly teens) is the inability/powerlessness to control what other parents did/allowed.
  12. by   leslie :-D
    Quote from Kelly_the_Great
    I remember my mom telling me one of the biggest challenges to raising your children (particularly teens) is the inability/powerlessness to control what other parents did/allowed.
    actually kelly, that arguement never meant a damn thing to me.
    what i do find challenging, is the logic your teen can come up w/in a power struggle. alot of what they say makes sense and it's one of those 'hmmmm' moments. and sometimes i concede. but when my gut is telling me one thing and they're arguing something logistic, i stick with my gut. my boys (12,15) have so far turned out fine. my dd (16) has had problems but she also has a mental disorder that induces risky behavior, impulsivity, poor judgement and insight and overall self-destructiveness. i am very slowly learning that no matter how many hospitals i send her to, it remains inevitably in her control on what she chooses to do. now that's a feeling of powerlessness. but i recently found out that a mother was supplying her 2 teens with pot and dd is friends w/both of them. i had a talk w/the mother and dd knows she's in deep trouble if i find her with these 2 kids ever again.

    leslie
  13. by   dianah
    Sheesh, Leslie, as if teens don't have it hard enough without PARENTS helping tempt them to make poor decisions!! Home should be the SAFE place, the HAVEN, not a DEN OF VIPERS!!!

    It's true with any teen: they do make their own decisions and are responsible for the consequences of those decisions. Sounds simple, but when you do have a child who tends toward risk-taking decisions and risky behaviours, --- loving that adrenalin rush . . . that's scary, and most certainly a powerlessness, as you posted. Hugs.
  14. by   grinnurse
    My DD will be 12 in April and it was almost 2 years ago that we had our first serious talk about sex. We always have our best talks in the car so, we drove to a town to do some "school" shopping that was like an hour away. DD had asked a question prior to the trip that I thought needed addressing about some movie that she had watched.

    We had one the most honest talks about menstruation, reproduction, venerial diseases, and peer pressure. The whole time, I was clearing my throat LOL. She asked tons of questions and I answered her as honestly as I could for her age level. We recently had another talk about Peer pressure just prior to Christmas. Seems a group of girls or the "Preps" as she refers to them, were asking her to join their group, but not asking some of her good friends. I think they are the supposedly "cool" kids. She was in real turmoil b/c she wanted to be thought of as "cool" but knew that she would loose her "true" friends. I of course discouraged her from joining b/c these are the girls that the movie "Mean Girls" depicted. Thank goodness she chose not to go with the "cool" ones, but instead be a true friend with the others. I was so proud of her decision, it made me cry!!

    I am getting really nervous about next year when she begins JR High b/c I know everything will just intensify. When we are out together people watching I always tell her, "Don't bring home a boy that looks like that, or dresses like that" she always laughs. I am finding out more about her likes and dislikes in the land of "boys".

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