You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

  1. * You answer the door before people knock.

    * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

    * You ski uphill.

    * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

    * You speed walk in your sleep.

    * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

    * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

    * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

    * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

    * You sleep with your eyes open.

    * You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

    * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

    * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

    * You lick your coffeepot clean.

    * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

    * You're the employee of the month at a coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

    * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

    * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

    * You chew on other people's fingernails.

    * A nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

    * Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

    * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

    * You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.

    * You can jump-start your car without cables.

    * All your kids are named "Joe".

    * You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

    * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

    * You don't sweat, you percolate.

    * You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

    * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

    * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

    * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

    * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

    * Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

    * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

    * People get dizzy just watching you.

    * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

    * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

    * You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

    * People can test their batteries in your ears.

    * Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

    * Instant coffee takes too long.

    * You channel surf faster without a remote.

    * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

    * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

    * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

    * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

    * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

    * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

    * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

    * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

    * You get drunk just so you can sober up.

    * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

    * Your Thermos is on wheels.

    * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

    * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

    * You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

    * You short out motion detectors.

    * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

    * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

    * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

    * You don't tan, you roast.

    * You don't get mad, you get steamed.

    * Your three favorite things in life before, coffee during and coffee after.

    * Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

    * You can't even remember your second cup.

    * You help your dog chase its tail.

    * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

    * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London

    * You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

    * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

    * You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

    * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   Zhakrin
    ....when you wake one day and find out you have applied to nursing said coffee....thought you meant drugs.

    oh well
  4. by   Momma_Penguin
    I thought that's what CPR stood for???????? It always resuscitates Me... About 4 am..LOL I love those thoughts.....I must share them w/ my caffeine addicted co workers. Laura LPN
  5. by   bagladyrn
    My coffee mug says "Decaf is the antichrist" Some of these hit awfully close to home!
  6. by   micro
    the coffee mug with before and after pic's
  7. by   jayna
    you wake up during the night and sleep in the afternoon

    insomnia for 2 days...i got that once, and they diagnosed me as caffeine OD..ARRGHHHH
  8. by   micro
    aaaarrrrggggh!!!!!!!!! Jayna, you must be sleeping off the caffeine buzz.......where are you.........hehehehehehe

    like last night I needed more caffeine.........

    Here Betts my sick twisted side of humor.........

    You know you have had too much coffee when...........

    at the end of the shift you are in the bathroom(well ya' know) and have a bedside table right there with all of your charting to do that of course you didn't get to during your shift..........and you still have a brand new hot cup of coffee in hand...........

    no micro has never done this thank goodness, but imagination runs rampant.........
  9. by   KKERRN
    When you arrive at work and they only have DECAF and your first priority is to call your daughter or husband to make an emergency delivery! I've done this myself!!
    These are really funny!
  10. by   micro
    yes, I have too searched out coffee also.........
  11. by   bagladyrn
    After one 12 hr. night with no coffee (coffee maker broken, too busy to go on a search), I came in that night to find a large thermos of coffee at the nurse's station with my name on it! Day shift (who had dealt w/me at report that a.m.) told me - "We don't EVER want to have to see you in that state again!"
  12. by   Cheryl ~ STH
    When the Doctor makes rounds and brings you the cup of coffee.
  13. by   micro
    cheryl.....when the dr, RT, PT, etc. comes and sits down at nurses station and you walk by...spy their brand new steam coming off the top of the coffee.....

    and you say "Hey, thanks I needed that" and they say sure and hand it to you!
  14. by   petiteflower
    First thing everyone says when they come in the door is: Is there coffee??? Is it drinkable?" and drink it anyway if it has been sitting there all night.