x rated web sites

  1. I have a very open relationship with my fiance, menaing we talk about everything, and it has been perfect for the last 3 years , we are getting married this June.
    3 times in the past 3 years, I have seen that he was looking on x rated sites. It doesn`t bother me, if he was open and not hiding it. The lies bother me. Last month I saw that he was billed on his visa for an x rated site, since at least March.
    Tonight, by accident while trying to listen to a potential wedding song on our computer, I came across down loaded stuff. From the last few months, some from the last few days. All the times were while I was at work.

    He vowed to me he would be honest....a month ago, we talked aout it. Most of the stuff that was down loaded hadhad "guy "body parts, like male pleasure, there were only 2 with women. There was 2 or 3 gay porn down loads, .
    I don`t know what to do! He is in Toronto right now on a golf trip and he is returning tomorrow, I don`t know what to do.
    Any advice, I really love him and I just feel lied to and betrayed.
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  2. 95 Comments

  3. by   rachel h
    That's a tricky one. You would think he would be honest if you honestly don't mind him looking at the websites... on the other hans, maybe he either a) thinks it bothers you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or b) doesn't want you to know he's looking at stuff with guys in it. Hmmm... I would bring it up. Just tell him how you came across it and that you would really appreciate him being more open with you in the future. And if you've talked about this before, maybe even ask him why he won't be open with you if you've said it doesn't bother you. That might get him to talk about his 'selection'...

    Well, good luck. I hope everything works out for you.
  4. by   fedupnurse
    Nurse-bride, call his butt on the carpet for this! If he is doing this crap now it is only going to get worse and the dishonesty will spill into other areas of your relationship. Do you really want to be wondering what he is doing or up to when you aren't around. Tell him what you found, that it hurts you deeply and demand an explanation for all of it including the "gay" stuff. Find out now before you say the I do's! Good luck and let us know how you made out.
  5. by   nursegoodguy
    Oh God you people certainly do keep me awake at night worrying about you!
    Let me first say that I want to be very careful in my comments... I mean this is the man you are planning to spend the rest of your life with! Don't base what you do too much on what you read in a post from strangers...(with good intentions but still, strangers) It's hard to get an idea of what a person is really like based on a few lines of betrayal posted on a board...
    Let me ask you a few questions...
    1. You are upset that he is looking at (gay) porn while you are at work and then not telling you about it... Are you afraid that maybe he is secretly attracted to men? Obviously you are going to ask him why he's downloading gay porn and if he has something he wants to tell you... Is he gay & using you as a front, bi or maybe just curious... Where does all of this leave you?
    2. Regardless of what he says, how will you deal with it and do you think he'll tell you the truth? Technically, since you probably haven't asked him if he's downloading gay porn and he hasn't denied it, then I guess he really hasn't lied about anything.
    3. You saw the visa bill...well was it from a gay site?

    Okay now a few comments:
    1. I think you already have made up your mind as to what is going on... especially if you've looked over the documents in the computer as far as to know the time he has visited certain sites... If a person keeps secrets from you in the beginning then they will more than likely keep secrets from you along the way...
    2. Some of these sites have more than one agenda, gay, bi, straight, or whatever! I've gone to peoples personal web pages and all of a sudden had like 10 windows pop up downloading into my computer one after another and full of stuff that I would not have sought after! Maybe this could've happened with him?
    3. Whatever you do just remember, this is a person that you love and you want the best for him... if that means helping him deal with some issues then that's what you do. But... he needs to want the best for you too and you need to want the best for yourself!
    4. I guess I always remember the saying in the Joy Luck Club when the mom tells her daughter, "Know Your Own Worth"
  6. by   nurse_bride
    Now I can eleborate more since I am alone....I am at work.
    I am open with trying new things within our relationship, I am not over bearing. We rent "bad" movies at least once a month, he is allowed to go to the strip joint with his friends (to see girls), IF HE IS HONEST about going etc, and if he doesn`t hide it. I have told him this so many times. He has never gone (as far as I know). I have been once with him.
    I have confronted him the other 2 times about the porn sites on the web (it was females). This is the third time. Last time was a month ago, he promised he wouldn`t do it again. He said it was just curiousity and all guys look.
    I don`t care if he looks at girls, but not behind my back the minute I leave or at 6am when i am on night shift!! This is the first time I have seen guys on our computer. The guy porn thing bothers me!! when I found it, I was doing searches of every word you can imagine hoping to God to find a female. They were all BJ`s, 2 or 3 woman doing the job and 2 or 3 men doing the job to other men. 1 lesbian scene.

    The web site that billed on his visa was an x rated chat etc, so it is guys and girls I guess.
    He told me the other day he removed it from his bill.

    I feel betrayed and lied to, because I clearly expressed my feelings a month ago, and he was looking the night before last!!

    Besides this, he is the perfect guy. My family and friends love him and I feel like I have no where to turn, it is a little embarassing.

    I was thinking of confronting him tomorrow, and maybe checking into a hotel after my night shift, and staying away for a few days to do some thinking and to let him think too.

    He just seems so in love with me, I mean it seemed soooooo perfect between us, we never fight and hardly disagree.He has always found women attractive, clearly so.

    This is making me sick, though. Any other advice? Thanks girls for your advice, very appreciated!
    Last edit by nurse_bride on Jul 28, '02
  7. by   ziggyRn
    This is like a red flag...put it this way...what if he found lesbian stuff on your computer?
    And what if he found X rated chat on your computer?
    This would surely mean that you both need to sit down and have a real deep talk.
    When someones sexuality is not what you thought it was and you are planning on commiting yourself to that person for the rest of your life...it's time to take a step back and be sure of the situation. Sexuality is like a window to the soul [can't think of a better way to put it]. Work this out about a person and you can know a lot about them. There could be a simple explanation...like goodguy said...but then again, it could all be pretty simple.
    Take care to really sort this out, Zig.
  8. by   adrienurse
    You need to be open and honest with your fiance about what is bothering you. This is not a good thing to let fester. Perhaps the only reason he hasn't told you is because he knows you'll take it as a threat to yourself, and he really does fear hurting you. You need to ask yourself exactly why the porn bothers you. Is it because of your beliefs or upbringing? Is it because you fear that he is more attracted to these women/men then you? Are you afraid he'll leave you? Are you afraid that he'll expect you to perform these acts to him? Are you just hurt because he didn't tell you There are many facets to a persons sexuality. A human being also needs more outlets then just his mate. Everyone has a dark side, and I really don't think that there is such a thing as TOTAL honesty. Have you told him exactly everything about yourself? Does he know about all your sexual quirks?

    Just my point of view, but I don't think your marriage is doomed. This is just one of many conflicts that a good marriage requires people to be able to work out.:kiss :kiss
  9. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    <------ pay attention to the red flag!

    Egads! What a situation! I'm hearing 2 complaints from you.

    1. The secrecy that shrouds his interest in porn, even when (it sounds to me) it is an interest you share and are willing to participate in. My innate paranoia is telling me that something is amiss here. Men do not attempt to hide what they truly feel is wrong, or will at least royally p*ss you off.

    2. The "gay porn" thing, for obvious reasons. I'm not even really gonna go into that, other than to say that I think it is a valid concern. Get to the bottom of it, STAT.

    So, where does this leave you honey??? Only you can know this. The point I want to get across to you is that if this is bothersome to you, then it is an issue in your relationship. And these issues will flare up often. Being married doesn't make it go away, or make it bother you less. So before you get married, you need to get to the bottom of these issues and either reach an understanding about them, or part ways.

    I wish you all the luck in the world! Keep us posted!

    Heather
  10. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    Originally posted by fedupnurse
    Do you really want to be wondering what he is doing or up to when you aren't around.
    I just reread the other poster's thoughts, and found this one to be of the utmost importance. This is what it will be like if you 2 can't see eye to eye on this issue. Constant worry about his doings when you aren't around will truly drive you insane. You deserve better, if that's all he can offer.

    Heather
  11. by   2MagnoliaTrees
    If he can't be honest about this then what else can't he be honest about. If that fills a need for him fine but he should be upfront about it with you. Think twice about your future with him. Something doesn't seem on the up and up. Don't expect him to get over it either. I'll be praying for you. Not an easy situation.
  12. by   sunnygirl272
    Originally posted by nurse_bride
    The web site that billed on his visa was an x rated chat etc, so it is guys and girls I guess.
    He told me the other day he removed it from his bill.

    I feel betrayed and lied to, because I clearly expressed my feelings a month ago, and he was looking the night before last!!

    Besides this, he is the perfect guy. My family and friends love him and I feel like I have no where to turn, it is a little embarassing.
    ummmm....sooooo....the evil cyber-porn site stole his credit card number and charged sex-chat to his card? or he accdentall typed in his entire card number, name on cardm, and expiration date???

    you do need to evaluate what to do with the info you get from him, and decide whether you can trust him...bisexuality or closet homosexuality doesn't make him bad, but you need to evaluate if that is what you want to marry into....
  13. by   Q.
    Like others have said, this is a tricky subject.


    There are a few points to consider r/t the gay porn you are finding. Depending on where he is getting his porn, if he is downloading porn files/or .avi/mpg's from newsgroups or WINmx, a lot of times gay porn (and other disturbing shyt) comes through that is mislabeled, etc and he hasn't had a chance to delete it. Meaning, he sets his computer to download "tits" or something, and what he gets ALONG with "tits" is gay, child, animal, etc.
    This is very, very common.

    Now, if he is going directly TO sites that are gay porn, etc, then THAT is a whole nother ballgame I think that you need to confront him about it openly and kindly. Certainly do NOT let this one go. Don't be confrontational, but simply tell him you found this and you want to know why he has it.

    About the credit card issue, THAT in my opinion needs to be dealt with too before marriage. Once you are married, your finances should be discussed and him spending money on things like that need to be agreed upon and certainly NOT secretive.

    Please keep us posted and good luck.
    Last edit by Susy K on Jul 28, '02
  14. by   Robin61970
    My ex did these types of things.........of course he did them after we were married and also did other women so this was not the only demise, but I remember how it made me feel. I would go to bed(asking him or hinting to him to join me) and 2 hours later I might get up to find him chatting and looking at porn.......to say the least he had things well in "hand".........this went on for over a year and in that year it did awful things to my self esteem. I felt unwanted, ugly, unloved.......and I felt like the chat was cheating. He had a couple of favorites and they developed a relationship on there where they were doing the cybersex as well as talking about life.....I felt it was cheating.......I didn't mind the porn and would have looked with him if invite, but that was seldom.....just talk to him and be open about all of this from the beginning. Communication is a large part and why is he trying to hide this from you? That would concern me especially if you would be a part of it so please take the time to sort it out before marrying......to end this I have to say that those problems with my hubby were not the only problems, but they were the ones that lead to the break-up.........I'm better off and he is in prison thanks to part of his sexual perversions and the internet.......thanks god I wasn't around for that. Good luck to you and let us know what happens.......

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