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I have a very open relationship with my fiance, menaing we talk about everything, and it has been perfect for the last 3 years , we are getting married this June. 3 times in the past 3 years, I... Read More

  1. by   hoolahan
    There is only one way to deal with this. You must have an open and honest conversation.

    Several things could be happening. He does love you but has an attraction for men as well. Has he acted on it?? Does he think he will act on it??

    This is critical. If he is only looking, that is one thing, if he is acting on it, or is bisexual, and you didn't know it, you could be putting yourself at risk for STD'S!! If he has multiple sex partners whether male or female.

    Please find out the answers to all your questions before you commit to this guy. You are talking about the rest of your life here, and maybe eventually children. Go in with both eyes open!!! Good luck!
  2. by   LasVegasRN
    End it, get out, and move on.
  3. by   semstr
    Listen to Vegas, girl!!
  4. by   sunnygirl272
    just a tidbit..
    out of curiosity, after my last post on this topic, honey (who does surf for some straight porn, with my knowledge) tried to "accidentally" find gay porn....it appears to be alot more difficult than you would think....there is alot a "teen" stuff, and some other twisted stuff that comes up when you select non-teen-related stuff...but gaymale porn seems to be pretty difficult to accidentally get... seems that "teen" stuff is the primary thing that you get when you are looking for other stuff...he did also, for curiosity sake click on gay male stuff, and there were waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay fewer nasty popups than with straight porn sites....and not once did we accidentally type in our credit card numbers....
  5. by   kittyw
    been there ... done that. so this is coming from my point of view (take it with a grain of salt).

    i was in a marriage of 7 years with a little boy involved. it started out (after we were married) with him looking at a little porn (with me not present), it evolved into him having sex with multiple people at one time ... thank god i got away clean!

    you need to be careful. some men, not all but some, can be very manipulative. once they realize that they can get away with something, it leads to them going a little further ... and then a little more ....

    if you're going to get out ... get out now !!! i'd rather end an engagement than suffer through marriage and go through a divorce. (i said i've been there ... done that!!)

    one final question:
    how could you ever trust him again?

    let us know how it goes!! ((((hugs)))) :kiss
  6. by   adrienurse
    I do agree that you need to clear up this whole sexuality thing. Hopefully he's aware of what he is and isn't. Once got my heart broken when I fell in love with a gay man who was afraid to tell me the truth. I do not wish this on anyone.

    There is also the factor of the belief that there is no such thing as 100% straight and 100% gay. There are just those who choose to act on their curiosites and those who don't.

    Lots of love.
  7. by   Rustyhammer
    I don't really have a problem with him looking at porn.
    I don't really have a problem with him looking at gay porn (I don't care what anyone says men and women both have thought about it).
    I DO have a problem with the honesty issue. Either you are unapproachable about these type of things and he feels he can't talk to you or he has secrets.
    If he is keeping THIS a secret then you can bet that he has other secrets.
    A relationship such as this-Life partners- must have honesty in the forefront.
    I think Las Vegas has the right idea.
    -Russell
  8. by   delirium
    I agree with Rusty. I don't know how your relationship is, or how honest (or dishonest) he is with you about other issues, but if he feels the need to hide this, he's probably hiding other things.
    Porn is totally harmless and nothing to be ashamed of, in my opinion. The very idea that he doesn't want you to know about it is what is causing me concern. It doesn't sound like you are a prude, or diametrically opposed to pornography or sexual experimentation (within limits, of course).
    I don't think that this makes him a closet homosexual or a bad person. It does make him a secretive person, which is what I would be afraid of.
    I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and have a talk with him about it. If he doesn't explain things to your satisfaction and begin to be more forthcoming with you, I'd end it before you become legally entangled with him.
    Let us know how it turns out.
  9. by   Q.
    originally posted by sunnygirl272
    just a tidbit..
    out of curiosity, after my last post on this topic, honey (who does surf for some straight porn, with my knowledge) tried to "accidentally" find gay porn....it appears to be alot more difficult than you would think....there is alot a "teen" stuff, and some other twisted stuff that comes up when you select non-teen-related stuff...but gaymale porn seems to be pretty difficult to accidentally get... seems that "teen" stuff is the primary thing that you get when you are looking for other stuff...he did also, for curiosity sake click on gay male stuff, and there were waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay fewer nasty popups than with straight porn sites....and not once did we accidentally type in our credit card numbers....
    she needs to figure out if he's going to gay sites, or downloading from newsgroups. i am telling you, there is a difference, and there are a whole slew of gay porn that comes through from downloading.
    if anyone is familiar with newsgroups, you should understand this.

    please don't jump to conclusions until you know.
  10. by   NurseDennie
    I'm really glad, I'd been hoping that Rustyhammer would post on this thread. He said "I don't really have a problem with him looking at gay porn (I don't care what anyone says men and women both have thought about it). "

    That actually cleared up something I'd been wondering about. In my (admittedly limited) experience, straight guys do not want to see the privates of other guys. It seemed that most of them pretty much went out of their way to avoid it.

    So if it is something that straight guys are liable to look at once or twice, then I'd move on to the trustworthyness issue. I'd be massively afraid of being involved with a bi lover. I'll probably be flamed for this, but I've had several friends who have been loved and left by their bi boyfriends.

    These particular individuals didn't seem to equate having sex with their boyfriends as "cheating" on their girlfriend or even wife. I don't know how common this is, but it has been sort of a theme that I've seen amongst my friends.

    I'm not saying that this is done is a malicious way. One of my best friends (when I was in the music industry - not a nurse) was openly gay. He met and thought he fell in love with a woman. He really and truly had very strong and deep feelings for this woman, and I think he interpreted them as indicating that he could live with and love only her.

    Unfortunately, he couldn't. And he really struggled with the whole thing, but it was always after one thing leading to another with a guy. We're still friends, but I'd sure discourage any of my female friends from going out with him!

    And no - I don't think that being susceptible to the things leading to other things syndrome is limited to gay or bi men OR women.

    Love

    Dennie
  11. by   nursegoodguy
    Wanna see where he's been... if he's left downloaded stuff right there for you to find then he don't know much about computers... Okay, if you are using Internet explorer then there is a button that says history, just click it and it'll open a little window on the left side of the screen... just double click on whatever looks suspicious. If you are not using IE then go to my computer, cdrive, windows, history... might help answer a few questions...
  12. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    Or the cookies, or temporary internet files, or just pull down that happy little browser. What the hay, while you're at it, most instant message programs have a place to log all conversations. That would make some interesting reading I'll bet...

    Heather
  13. by   live4today
    originally posted by nurse_bride
    i have a very open relationship with my fiance, menaing we talk about everything, and it has been perfect for the last 3 years , we are getting married this june.
    3 times in the past 3 years, i have seen that he was looking on x rated sites. it doesn`t bother me, if he was open and not hiding it. the lies bother me. last month i saw that he was billed on his visa for an x rated site, since at least march.
    tonight, by accident while trying to listen to a potential wedding song on our computer, i came across down loaded stuff. from the last few months, some from the last few days. all the times were while i was at work.

    he vowed to me he would be honest....a month ago, we talked aout it. most of the stuff that was down loaded hadhad "guy "body parts, like male pleasure, there were only 2 with women. there was 2 or 3 gay porn down loads, .
    i don`t know what to do! he is in toronto right now on a golf trip and he is returning tomorrow, i don`t know what to do.
    any advice, i really love him and i just feel lied to and betrayed.
    okay sister....i have not yet read any other person's comments here because once i finished reading your post, i couldn't go any further because my blood pressure started to rise, and the 'mother' and 'former hurt woman in a relationship' drama started to surface in me, and i just had to stop and share from my heart with you as one who has been where you are...only i failed to heed all the warning signs. why??? because "i too loved the man". hindsight is always better than foresight, but maybe....just maybe.....this mature and wise woman can help spare another bird from falling from the nest and flying off with the wrong mate.

    i'm a sagittarian, so pleez excuse me from being so frenchly blunt right now.........i want you to go back and read your post to us several times...at different times during the next 24 hours and then come back and explain to me why the hell are you getting married to a guy who lies to you about stuff he should be open and honest about with you???

    ((((((((hugs))))))))) and :kisses to you. i could email you a few friends email addresses (with their permission) so they can tell you what a nightmare their marriages turned out to be all because of stuff like this.

    if a man is looking into the internet porn.....gay or straight porn.......and lies to his woman about doing so......it's not what he is looking at that is the problem so much as the lying to do so. no marriage can be built on lies, deception, dishonesty, untrustworthiness...i don't care how much a woman says she loves him.

    ask yourself what he has that you can't gain in a more honest relationship elsewhere??? did god only create one species for you, honey???

    i am a mother of three grown daughters, so i'm speaking from the gut here with you the way any 'mother' would a daughter. if what i say pisses you off........good!! we do not begin to acknowledge our need for healing of our spiritual selves and emotional selves until we can at least acknowledge when we smell a rat, and what we opt to do about the stinkin' rat once we accept the fact "it smells"!!!

    i hope and pray you are able to digest the messages i am sharing here with you. consider yourself spanked!!! i wouldn't share, if i didn't care......sincerely care!!!
    :kiss
    Last edit by live4today on Jul 28, '02

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