Would you buy the ring.

  1. Hi there.
    I want desperately to marry Marc. It's like I need it for my self esteem. I'm very frustrated. We've been together for 2 and a half years and pretty much live like we're married. I don't know why this piece of paper is so important to me, but I just need that gesture of commitment. I'm in my 30's. Having that fancy expensive wedding no longer has that appeal to me like it would have 20 years ago. Money is a barrier because my parents are now retired and I wouldn't want them to pay for it anyways, the idea seems rediculous. I just want to do it and then inform my family later. I'm also scared these days because he's got possible cancer of the thyroid -- we have to wait until the 15th to find out the results of the biopsy.

    I love Marc dearly and we're so good together. The problem with him is when he was 19 he almost got married. He was engaged, the wedding was being planned and his fiance cheated on him. He admits now he didn't think he was ready in the first place.

    He's made a tremendous amount of progress getting over the anger and the trust issues that came out of this but the guy still gets the "deer in headlights look" whenever I bring up marriage. He gives the excuse that he doesn't have the money, but I don't buy that. It's about setting priorities and not spending money on hobbies instead. I don't believe in forcing him to do something he's not ready for, I'm just getting impatient and tired of playing house without it meaning anything (legally and psychologically). I don't believe giving him an ultimatum is going to cause anything positive to happen. I don't think I want to sacrifice what we have over this.

    I need marriage, I need to start a family and this need has never been so strong. 5 years ago, I had no inclination at all to do this.

    This sounds like such a steriotypical thing to whine about.
  2. 15 Comments

  3. by   DDRN4me
    youre right, you dont need a ring or anything special... what about you proposing to him; and explaining exactly what you said here... check out the local requirements and start getting things ready, you can then tell him how little it will really cost. you can then tell your family and have a small celebration ... it doesnt need to be huge to be nice!! Good luck; and let us know how you do!!
  4. by   Victoriakem
    I can't understand why a guy would be just happy to live with a woman without wanting to legalize it. Is this like why buy the cow when you can get all the milk you want? Are you willing to make a decision that if he doesn't marry you, you will leave him? Think about what you really want out of life & go for it, even if it means leaving Marc. You have to think about your own wishes & not wait for some guy to get over his trauma. If he's the same age as you, it's been 11 years since he was almost married. Living with you for over 2 years, should be plenty of time for him to learn to trust you. I think he's stalling. I went through something very similar & when I left, suddenly I was desirable again & that guy wanted something more. I didn't go back & moved on. And now am married for 22 years to someone else who wasn't afraid of a commitment & have 3 daughters, all in college.
    No one is going to make your life happen. Only you can.
  5. by   Justhere
    I agree with Victoriakem. When I started reading your post I kept thinking she either gives him an ultimatum or its not going to happen. I would tell him, if he didn't trust you enough after 2 1/2 years that you are commited to this relationship, that you are not his almost first wife, and that you wanted a commitment from him, and if he couldn't provide that you were going to move out and see other people.
    The bad thing about playing house, is that the other party thinks that I don't have to make a commitment, and if I walk away from this I won't have any strings involved. It is easier to walk away from a roomate, then a spouse and a lot less expensive.
    One of my friends husbands, asked her if she would move in with him. She told him "are you crazy, I'm not your wife." A week later she had a ring and a date.
  6. by   Victoriakem
    :yeahthat: Stand up for what you want! Don't settle for less. You are worth so much more!!! Start packing gurl.....
  7. by   adrienurse
    Thanks guys.

    I'll remind you though what I said about ultamatums (sp?). I don't like them because people, whether they're good or bad people with good or bad sense - humans rarely act positively when given them.
  8. by   BSNtobe2009
    I noticed you were 30, not much younger than me.

    I would give him another 6 months and then I would start dropping hints at leaving. If he hasn't made up his mind in 2 1/2 years, trust me from PERSONAL experience (and I have many, many friends that would advise you of the same), if he isn't willing to do an engagement FOR WHICH A MARRIAGE WILL VERY SOON follow, then he has already told you where he stands.

    If he is using what happened when he was barely out of high school as a crutch, then he is too immature for marriage or any other commitment. When I was 30, I could barely remember what I was doing at 19, it seemed THAT insignificant.

    I hate to break it to you like that, but I have seen friends of mine wait 5 years, 8 years, 10 years, for someone to marry them that wouldn't.

    It is BETTER to be single than to be with someone because you feel you have to pledge the sorority of marriage to 'join the club'. The divorce rate in this country is now 62%, so I can officially say I am no longer in the minority. I don't even know if I met someone tomorrow, if I could even live with them because the older I get it's hard to imagine someone else here. I like the life my daughter and I have with just each other.

    Marriage isn't just about YOU, it's not about HIM, it's about YOU TOGETHER as a team, and if you both aren't working toward the same goal, or if either one of you feels pressured into it, it won't work.

    I wish you luck
  9. by   walkingrock
    the question to ask yourself is, can i live with things the way they are permanently? if not, ask yourself, can i leave him? you'll have to decide which option is better for you. you don't have any control over what he does. if you decide this relationship is more important to you than getting married, or having a family (you could have a family without getting married, although i certainly am not advising that!), how about getting your own ring? buy yourself a gorgeous ring that you love, put it on your ring finger, and tell yourself, it is my marc ring. when he asks abou it, tell him since it doesn't seem like you're ever getting married, you at least want others to know you are in a committed relationship (your committment to the relationship, which he can't take away from you), and you want to have the enjoyment of wearing a beautiful ring to tell the world.
  10. by   cardiacRN2006
    Wow!!! Story of my life.
    I call it the "turning 30-itis".

    When I turned 30-it really hit me like a ton of bricks. Literally. The need for a family, marriage, all that stuff was so strong inside me!

    Luckily for me, I gave my then BF a ultimatium early on. I said, marry me within 5 years, or let me go, don't keep me on a string. Treat me like I deserve to be treated, which is not keeping me hanging around.

    So I gave him plenty of time. We got married 3 months after our 5 year anniversary of dating. It was a destination wedding, which I recommend to anyone. On a beach in Hawaii (my avatar), with 30 guests and it was cheaper than if I did it in my hometown.

    Have a heart to heart with him. Tell him that those insecurities belong with that other woman, but that you have proven to be true, and that you don't deserve to pay for her mistakes. Tell him it's not fair to keep you dangling around, and that you are getting older and to the point where you need to feel like you are loved, in a secure committment. You need the committment from him, you need him to admit that you are the only one for him.

    Don't buy the ring. I honestly never thought that my DH would do it, but he bought the ring on his own, and did a great job. This needs to come from him.....
    Last edit by cardiacRN2006 on Dec 6, '06
  11. by   walkingrock
    getting married is really pretty cheap, if you can do without the trimmings. here, one can get the license and get married at the dept of records for a total of approx $100...personally, i can live with that, i know some people can't. but really, whether or not to get married is not about the $.
  12. by   P_RN
    Inexpensive is not the same as cheap. But you must never "settle" for anything less.

    Our wedding cost about $20. The church was already decorated for a friends' wedding and they said we could use it first......we're still married, they only lasted about 5 years.

    My dress was $7 on the sale rack. The license was about $5.

    All in all we had a lovely small family wedding and are still together and fairly contented and it's only been 41 years.
  13. by   Ruby Vee
    [font="comic sans ms"]if you want to be married, you deserve to be married. think about what you really want -- marriage? or this guy, even if it turns out you never marry. if you really want to be married, tell him. and if he's not willing to consider it, leave him.

    i've seen women live with a man for a decade -- he won't marry them because he had a traumatic engagement in his 20s, or he just doesn't believe in marriage and they don't need that piece of paper anyway, the kids wouldn't accept it -- all kinds of excuses. and then one day, he meets someone else and suddenly he can't wait to get married. to her. (garrison kieller springs to mind. he went away on a business trip, got married and told his live-in lover to move out because he was bringing his wife home. i've never been able to stomach the sound of his voice!)

    you deserve to get what you want, but you have to insist on getting it!
  14. by   weetziebat
    Just my opinion, you understand, but I think he's already given you his answer. The excuse about being traumatized by a girlfriend years ago just doesn't wash anymore.

    No ultimatums. I think you just need to sit down and decide if you really want marriage and legal babies so badly you are willing to leave Marc in an attempt to find someone who agrees with that choice.

    If you truly don't want to leave him, then I'd suggest you get used to living single, with all the insecurities that presents, and deciding if you want to bring children into the relationship as it is. You don't mention how he feels about having kids...

    Yes, the divorce rate may be 62% but the action of gettting married - telling each other, family, friends, the world, that you are committed to another person and willing to give up the option of taking off whenever you may get the itch, says a lot about a person.

    Why would one be so opposed to marriage if they didn't have even a tiny spot in the back of their mind where they know they can walk out at any time without consequences?

    And, IMHO, do not buy yourself a ring. Unless its a diamond cocktail type ring worn on your right hand. It would simply look too desperate and tacky - and you don't want to look desperate, even if you are.

    If it were me, I'd print this thread out and give it to him, letting him know that you need to know if he ever does plan to marry you. You deserve to know that much anyway.

    Good luck! :icon_hug: