Hello, everyone! Just sitting here thinking about life in general, and you guys in particular...And although few of you know who I am, I'm just feeling all silly and sentimental and decided to share a bit, who knows why. My life has been all about learning some hard but important lessons. And the single hardest yet most important thing I've learned this far is that I need to learn to ask for what I need. So, that's what I'm going to do, on an impulse. Hope you can bear with my rambling.
I need a family, a support network, a bit of a safety net...and I don't just mean for the bad things that happen. I want people to celebrate little things with, and who want to celebrate their own with me as well. I have no family left at this point, at least none that care to be in contact with me. Long experience has taught me that I'm capable of surviving the worst of life alone...and although alone can be okay, sometimes it's just plain lonely. I'm tired of feeling that way. I know it must be better than this out there somewhere.
I need a hug, or maybe ten. I couldn't tell you the last time someone actually touched me in any kind of good or meaningful way. I realize that other people need good and nurturing touch as well, and so I've worked in fields (postrehab exercise and massage) that can provide that for them, a good thing for them and for me. Still, that's all about them, not about me. I have to wonder what it would be like to be held by someone who actually loves me, and I sometimes doubt whether either is truly likely to happen. Sometime when I read some of your posts, I think that hope is not yet dead. Thanks for that.
I need to believe that there are people in this world for whom intimacy and sex are distinct and yet inseparable parts of a beautiful whole. If I can't have both, as much as I might crave it (and I certainly do), I know I'll never be comfortable with just sex. (I wish I could, truly, but sex for me was within an abusive relationship, and so a relationship based on trust will always be paramount for me.) For me this means I may never once know what it's like to have a caring physical relationship, or even what I'm capable of as a woman. It's a struggle every single day to accept the possibility.
I need a chance to be the child I never got to be. I never had much of a childhood, or even young adulthood. Seems I kept my head down so long trying to get past so many terrible things, that I never looked up long enough to see what else I might have been missing. Well, I'm looking now, and this time I know my many strengths as well as my weaknesses. I so want to play and try all the things I've never had a chance to before; it's just that there seem to be so few people interested in doing those things, or doing them with someone new. Do you know I've never been to the desert, hiked a mountainside, or seen the Northern Lights? And yet so many of my dreams are filled with images of all those things and more, almost as if I'd been there. But I haven't, and I haven't reached the stage yet where I want to experience those things alone. Maybe I will. I hope I won't have to.
I need to be around kids (and cats and dogs and any other creature I can drag into my little world). I can't have kids of my own, so I look for opportunities to borrow them from friends. It's sad at times, but it's okay really, since having children was never a major goal for me. (Surviving my own life was always first on my mind back then.) Still, when you see so many children born to uncaring parents, it can make you wonder why some who are up to the job are not chosen, while others produce children without a second thought. I'm finding other ways to make my mark, though, so maybe someday it will affect how *your* kids view their world. And mostly that's enough for now.
Just so you don't think I'm all doom and gloom - there's a lot about me and my life that I actually do love.
I'm a strong-willed Aries from Philly (although living in the Midwest), and I'm good at sticking with things that I really want. (Am I feeling my power at last, or what?) I'm proud that I was able to help other people make positive changes in their health, and I hope to continue doing that for as long as I'm able. I've started nursing school, which I love, and I have some goals for my life that give me great pleasure to think about. I'm young enough to play hard, old enough to know better, and wise enough to ignore the rules every now and again, just because. Although I haven't posted much so far, I've been around long enough to respect many of you, both personally and professionally. If you've got the time and the space, I would love to get to know some of you, and perhaps make a friend or two.
Best wishes to you all,
Aug 26, '02
Thanks for the hugs, you guys! They are greatly appreciated.
Researchrabbit, I think your friend was a wise, wise lady. What she said makes absolutely perfect sense. I guess I don't really have trouble being by myself per se...in fact, I've grown to enjoy having my space over the years, and that has indeed been very freeing. I do have a circle of friends right now, but they are work friends, and school friends, and there are certain lines one does not cross with people who are truly just close acquaintances. I suppose I'm just looking for more on a personal level...or just thinking about that more today for some reason.
As far as Big Sisters goes, right now I work full time and go to nursing school on nights and weekends. There's not much room in my schedule for concrete commitments to volunteer work, or I'd be out the door in a flash to sign up, believe me. For now, I have to work with what I've got...but I enjoy coming here to allnurses, so come here I will!
I have no fear about travelling alone, just no real desire right now to do so. Most of what I've done or experienced has been on a solo level, it would be nice to have it be otherwise for a time. I enjoy going to movies by myself, but I so much enjoy sharing the experience with someone who actually gets what I'm laughing or crying about. It's all about sharing, I think. Maybe I just think too much sometimes.
I wish we lived closer as well, because you sound like a pretty together person as well! Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.
Last edit by ats on Aug 26, '02