What I need...

  1. Hello, everyone! Just sitting here thinking about life in general, and you guys in particular...And although few of you know who I am, I'm just feeling all silly and sentimental and decided to share a bit, who knows why. My life has been all about learning some hard but important lessons. And the single hardest yet most important thing I've learned this far is that I need to learn to ask for what I need. So, that's what I'm going to do, on an impulse. Hope you can bear with my rambling.

    I need a family, a support network, a bit of a safety net...and I don't just mean for the bad things that happen. I want people to celebrate little things with, and who want to celebrate their own with me as well. I have no family left at this point, at least none that care to be in contact with me. Long experience has taught me that I'm capable of surviving the worst of life alone...and although alone can be okay, sometimes it's just plain lonely. I'm tired of feeling that way. I know it must be better than this out there somewhere.

    I need a hug, or maybe ten. I couldn't tell you the last time someone actually touched me in any kind of good or meaningful way. I realize that other people need good and nurturing touch as well, and so I've worked in fields (postrehab exercise and massage) that can provide that for them, a good thing for them and for me. Still, that's all about them, not about me. I have to wonder what it would be like to be held by someone who actually loves me, and I sometimes doubt whether either is truly likely to happen. Sometime when I read some of your posts, I think that hope is not yet dead. Thanks for that.

    I need to believe that there are people in this world for whom intimacy and sex are distinct and yet inseparable parts of a beautiful whole. If I can't have both, as much as I might crave it (and I certainly do), I know I'll never be comfortable with just sex. (I wish I could, truly, but sex for me was within an abusive relationship, and so a relationship based on trust will always be paramount for me.) For me this means I may never once know what it's like to have a caring physical relationship, or even what I'm capable of as a woman. It's a struggle every single day to accept the possibility.

    I need a chance to be the child I never got to be. I never had much of a childhood, or even young adulthood. Seems I kept my head down so long trying to get past so many terrible things, that I never looked up long enough to see what else I might have been missing. Well, I'm looking now, and this time I know my many strengths as well as my weaknesses. I so want to play and try all the things I've never had a chance to before; it's just that there seem to be so few people interested in doing those things, or doing them with someone new. Do you know I've never been to the desert, hiked a mountainside, or seen the Northern Lights? And yet so many of my dreams are filled with images of all those things and more, almost as if I'd been there. But I haven't, and I haven't reached the stage yet where I want to experience those things alone. Maybe I will. I hope I won't have to.

    I need to be around kids (and cats and dogs and any other creature I can drag into my little world). I can't have kids of my own, so I look for opportunities to borrow them from friends. It's sad at times, but it's okay really, since having children was never a major goal for me. (Surviving my own life was always first on my mind back then.) Still, when you see so many children born to uncaring parents, it can make you wonder why some who are up to the job are not chosen, while others produce children without a second thought. I'm finding other ways to make my mark, though, so maybe someday it will affect how *your* kids view their world. And mostly that's enough for now.

    Just so you don't think I'm all doom and gloom - there's a lot about me and my life that I actually do love. I'm a strong-willed Aries from Philly (although living in the Midwest), and I'm good at sticking with things that I really want. (Am I feeling my power at last, or what?) I'm proud that I was able to help other people make positive changes in their health, and I hope to continue doing that for as long as I'm able. I've started nursing school, which I love, and I have some goals for my life that give me great pleasure to think about. I'm young enough to play hard, old enough to know better, and wise enough to ignore the rules every now and again, just because. Although I haven't posted much so far, I've been around long enough to respect many of you, both personally and professionally. If you've got the time and the space, I would love to get to know some of you, and perhaps make a friend or two.

    Best wishes to you all,

  2. Visit ats profile page

    About ats

    Joined: Dec '01; Posts: 100


  3. by   bestblondRN

    You seem very strong and focused, and someone to be admired for surviving some really bad times!

    I understand the need for "connection" with others.....and I think you'll find it with people on the boards here if you just reach out and let us know you're there.

    Thanks for sharing some of your thoughts, hopes and dreams with us.....hopefully many of those wil come to fruition!

    Take care and (((((Charlotte))))),

  4. by   eltrip
  5. by   researchrabbit
    Too bad you don't live in Oklahoma!

    A wise friend of mine once told me, "You're only alone if you want to be." As I am older, overweight, and, well, a granola girl ("plain and natural" -- I only look like my avatar on the INSIDE) I thought she was full of it...but it turns out to be true. It takes some work and you meet lots of frogs, but you just have to stick with it.

    And, since I'm a problem-solver...

    Have you thought about Big Brothers/Big Sisters? A fun way to interact with kids who really need you.

    If you can't have pets where you are, the no kill pet shelters always need folks to play with the dogs or cats to help keep them socialized...and all you have to do is show up and play with them. And since it's a no kill shelter, you needn't have any guilt in going home.

    And from my own experience, I can tell you that doing things or traveling by yourself is very freeing (nice to share experiences with someone, but alone is nice too). When I travel alone, I journal, both to help me remember what I did and to allow me to think about what I've seen in depth. When you travel alone, you do exactly what you want, when you want.
  6. by   LasVegasRN
    Wow, what a nice post, Charlotte! Very thought provoking. I can definitely relate! I have hoped, prayed, wished, sent vibes, etc. for some of the same things you speak of, but I think I have lost out on the opportunity also. Right now, I've learned to focus on developing the very essense I define as myself. I figure that if I can be the best person I can be, everything else will fall into place. I may not ever have the loving relationship so many of us have and crave, but in the end, when I leave this earth, I hope that my life was not one lived in vain.

    Kudos to you for knowing what you need, and not being afraid to share! Welcome!
  7. by   ats
    Thanks for the hugs, you guys! They are greatly appreciated.

    Researchrabbit, I think your friend was a wise, wise lady. What she said makes absolutely perfect sense. I guess I don't really have trouble being by myself per se...in fact, I've grown to enjoy having my space over the years, and that has indeed been very freeing. I do have a circle of friends right now, but they are work friends, and school friends, and there are certain lines one does not cross with people who are truly just close acquaintances. I suppose I'm just looking for more on a personal level...or just thinking about that more today for some reason.

    As far as Big Sisters goes, right now I work full time and go to nursing school on nights and weekends. There's not much room in my schedule for concrete commitments to volunteer work, or I'd be out the door in a flash to sign up, believe me. For now, I have to work with what I've got...but I enjoy coming here to allnurses, so come here I will!

    I have no fear about travelling alone, just no real desire right now to do so. Most of what I've done or experienced has been on a solo level, it would be nice to have it be otherwise for a time. I enjoy going to movies by myself, but I so much enjoy sharing the experience with someone who actually gets what I'm laughing or crying about. It's all about sharing, I think. Maybe I just think too much sometimes.

    I wish we lived closer as well, because you sound like a pretty together person as well! Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.

    Last edit by ats on Aug 26, '02
  8. by   ats
    LVRN, thanks so much for checking in here! I love reading your posts, and can't help so many times thinking how much we have in common. It takes a strong person to 'fess up to what they want and need in life, and a stronger one still to go after it. I hope you find exactly what you need out of life as well! It's a pleasure to meet you!

  9. by   WashYaHands
    What a nice post, Charlotte. You seem like a top notch person to me. I live in Colorado. I dont climb mountains, but enjoy driving up them to find a spot of peace and solitude. If you're ever out this way, you're welcome to join me.

    Take Care,
  10. by   researchrabbit
    Originally posted by andthensome!
    right now I work full time and go to nursing school on nights and weekends.
    Oh dear, sounds like my life two years ago! It's hard, but it is worth it (although, my last semester I almost burned out, so take good care of yourself and come here often, OK?!)
  11. by   NurseDianne
    One big HUG for you my friend. Your are surrounded by friends and understanding people from all walks of life. Hope springs eternal! Never ever doubt that! Like you, I have had the kind of past that made me feel that I would never find what you are searching for! But, be patient! It will come for you. Love yourself first! Let all of us be your friends! :kiss
    After years of searching, and disfunctional relationships, I have finally found my soul-mate!
    And hon, everytime you feel down and sad, wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze! Someone in south Georgia is thinking about you, praying for you and sending a little bit of happiness!

  12. by   live4today
    Hello Charlotte......welcome to allnurses!

    I can't add a single thing more than the wonderful advice that has already been given you, except to say I, too, am here for you. :kiss (((((((((hugs))))))))
  13. by   nakitamoon
    Welcome,,,, & Hello!!!!

    *All of the above,,,,,,, I could not of typed better words,,,,

    Very nice to meet you,,,, Charlotte,,,,

    Looking forward to getting to know you,,,,,,,,,,

  14. by   Brownms46

    loved your post....and agree with all that has been said!

    welcome....you're home now...

    congrats on starting school..

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