whaddya do?

  1. okay friends , wise ones, smartie pants etc..
    what do you do when you're really disappointed in someone...
    I dont just mean annoyed or frustrated, cuz that passes but lets say someone has disappointed you big time...
    and you think ur over it , but the nagging thought comes back that beyond any other feeling you may be feeling , you are disappointed in them, cuz you didnt expect them to hurt your feelings or act that way or well you get the point...

    I've never been good at being all schmulzy and saying things like "well you really disappointed me you know"

    despite my tough girl persona (feel free to stop laughing ANY TIME now) my feelings have been hurt ,yeah I know , its a cold hard world and feelings are bound to be hurt , I guess I'm just a little surprised in myself for not being able to "get over" the situation...
    by nature I am a conflict avoider, and really do make an effort not to hold grudges and get over things as quickly as possible

    that being said, someone I considered a good friend has "wronged" me
    so besides sending out the allnurses posse
    or carrying around a big sign that says " ----- is an idiot"
    any suggestions?
    do you do the whole afterschool special intervention?
    do you , for once , show some cojones and tell em straight up that just wasnt cool
    or do you brood silently in the hopes that "this too shall pass"

    wow this shoulda been a poll, but I'm lazy
    and I just frigged around with a stats program for my research course, so I dont wanna do anything else with a poll, or a graph, or a freakin pie chart!


    :kiss
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  2. 15 Comments

  3. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    For me, it depends on the injustice that has been done.

    If this is something that you're going to dwell on for awhile, then you need to get it off your chest. No sense in carrying something around that's gonna torment you.

    Heather
  4. by   kaycee
    Sounds like it was something that really hurt you or it wouldn't be bothering you so much. If it is a good friend I would talk to them about it and let them know how you feel. Otherwise you will keep it inside and your relationship with this person will never be the same.
    If this doesn't work we will all pay to send Vegas with her purse!
  5. by   casperbjs
    I would let her know what she has hurt you. I carry a grudge way to long! It's better to bring it out in the open, get it over with.
  6. by   LasVegasRN
    Bag lady you gone hurt your back
    Dragging all them bags like that
    I guess nobody ever told you
    All you must hold on to
    Is you, is you, is you

    One day all them bags gone get in your way
    One day all them bags gone get in your way
    I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
    One Day all them bags gone get in your way

    So pack light
    Pack light
    Pack light
    Ooh ooh

    Bag lady you gone miss your bus
    You can't hurry up
    Cause you got too much stuff
    When they see you comin
    [Men will] take off runnin
    >From you it's true oh yes they do

    One day he gone say you crowdin my space
    One day he gone say you crowdin my space
    I said one day he gone say you crowdin my space
    One day he gone say you crowdin my space

    So pack light
    Pack light
    Pack light
    Ooh ooh

    Girl I know sometimes it's hard
    And we can't let go
    Oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
    You can't deny it you can't stop crying
    So oh, oh, oh
    If you start breathin
    Then you won't believe it
    You'll feel so much better
    (So much better baby)

    Bag lady
    Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
    Ooh, ooh
    Girl you don't need it
    I betcha love can make it better
    Betcha love can make it better
    Betcha love can make it better
    (Need someone to love you right)
    Betcha love can make it better
    (I betcha love, betcha love)
    Betcha love can make it better
    Betcha love can make it better
    Betcha love can make it better
    Betcha love can make it better
    (I betcha love, betcha love)
    Betcha love can make it better
    (I betcha love, I betcha love, oh)
    Betcha love can make it better
    Betcha love can make it better
    (Oh...)
    Betcha love can make it better...

    Bag lady, hmm
    Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
    Girl you don't need that, hmm

    Erykah Badu
  7. by   Stargazer
    Here's another vote for telling them. Explain exactly what you said here--that you're not a gudge-holder, but you're very hurt and finding it difficult to get past the person's actions in this case because you're so disappointed in them.

    I think gauging his/her reaction is going to be important in helping you move on. If your friend is genuinely surprised, shocked, contrite, apologetic--wouldn't that go a long way towards making you feel better about things? As well as putting him/her on notice that similar behavior in future will not be acceptable

    If s/he shrugs it off as you being unreasonable or overly sensitive or somesuch, then you've got an answer of sorts too. This person isn't who you thought s/he was, and you 'll need to limit your expectations of, and possibly interactions with him/her in the future if you want to avoid this kind of hurt. Which would suck--it's very hard to accept that someone you trusted as a good friend doesn't really place your feelings or best interests as a high priority after all (I've been there)--but it's still better to know, one way or the other, whether you can trust this person long-term or not.

    Sorry. :kiss
  8. by   Sleepyeyes
    ((((((((wens))))))))))
  9. by   frannybee
    I've been the one that disappointed a friend - I let her down really badly and I still can't forget it, 3 yrs later. Not because she's never let me live it down, but because I can't get past it. You need to talk to this person and let them know what they did hurt you so badly it's affecting you every day, otherwise they'll do it again, whether it's to you or someone else they love.

    Does he/she know what they did, or was it so unthinking that they haven't even noticed you're hurt and brooding?
  10. by   hapeewendy
    well I did it , I bought the big one and had a lil heart to heart with the person, I dont believe it was intentional, basically long story short, she found herself in the midst of the rumour/gossip mill, and something was said that involved me, and she kinda let some private info slip ... .its no major , since it was about my ex anyway but I told her that I have never done nor would I do anything like that to her so why didnt she just tell me about it in the first place, she was apologetic, crying, remorseful etc ..
    and I'm able to forgive and forget , she did say something striking though , after we talked she said (ironically the same thing my own mom has been saying for years now) "you know that you are a better friend to everyone then they could ever be to you"
    yeah well , lifes like that, you take your chances right?
    thanks for the advice, I'm not usually one to be upset for prolonged periods of time, but it did feel like there was a swiss army knife in my back for awhile there....
    hugs friends
  11. by   Stargazer
    Wendy, I'm really glad you had it out and got things straightened out with this girl so at least it will stop eating at you, but I just have to say: this
    Originally posted by hapeewendy
    she did say something striking though , after we talked she said (ironically the same thing my own mom has been saying for years now) "you know that you are a better friend to everyone then they could ever be to you"
    is horseshit, pure and simple. Is she trying to say that most people would spill their friends' relationship secrets in casual conversation? And you alone are impossibly and unachievably virtuous because you wouldn't be so thoughtless? Crap. I'm sorry, but that's like those people who, when called on their own rudeness, shrug it off by saying, "Well, I can't help it; that's just the way I am" like it's a free pass for them to behave badly. I don't buy it, and you shouldn't either.

    We all know you're wonderful, but we're not talking about donating a kidney here or giving someone your life savings. We're just talking about NOT trashing someone behind their back. Forgive me if I think people CAN manage to be at least this good of a friend, even if they aren't you.

    Bleagh. Sorry, obviously a hot button of mine. Anyway, I repeat, I'm glad you got it settled, but please don't allow her to lower your (not unreasonable) expectations of good-friend behavior.
  12. by   TX Guy
    You ladies are different than us guys.
    I think we generaly just dont discuss it. We just put it in our memory banks and save it. We think whats done is done and we dont give that person that much responsability again. Besides air ing it out and discussing it doesnt do anything for us, it's already done. It also makes us feel ---- not very masculine, and if you were some realy well adjusted guy you would most likely be trying to discuss it with a dude who wasn't, adding to your already sucky situation. And sometimes these things turn into bygons and later you see the person realy does have your back.

    Boy, I never understood how you ladies legitimatly needed to discuss stuff to get past it until I read the Mars/Venus books. I can't tell you how much trouble not knowing that used to cause me!

    Glad to see you girls got it straightened out.

    P
  13. by   Lausana
    Precisely why I have very few female friends these days It works much better that way!

    Glad things worked out Wendy
  14. by   alwaysthere
    Hmm My approach is more like ...Hey this or that hurt or pissed me off....very out in the open...settle it now and get on with life....yet another reason why most of my friends are not female i supposed...

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