We talked with our walking attitude problem this morning

  1. Recap: about a month ago DD (17) got mad at us because she found out about a secret Hubs and I had kept from her, and claimed we had lied to her. Since then she's been a total *&^!, yelling that she can never trust us again, that everything we've told her must be a lie, etc, etc. She's 17, remember. Haven't seen her in that month. She told us to leave her alone and she will come to us when she's ready. Fine, we left her alone. Completely alone. Last night she bounced in the door like nothing had ever happened. Big mistake.

    This morning we pinned her ears back. I told her that I think she was more upset at finding out there was a secret she wasn't involved in than anything else, and that the secret itself had absolutely nothing to do with her, therefore was none of her business. I also told her that I'm not like her mother, who will beg and plead and buy her things in an attempt to make nice and win her affection back. If she treats me like she has been, she's on her own because we will not play her games. (I think that's why she came back, because she figured out her tantrum wasn't working.)

    She found out about all the family happenings she's been left out of. Hubs told her that it's her choice: when she moves in this summer she can either live here as a family member or as a renter, and the two are very different.

    She and I apologized to each other, her for attacking me and me for overreacting. I think we're okay. I think she's learned her lesson too, that she doesn't get to run the show all the time. It shocked the wee-wee out of her that she was left alone instead of us calling her and begging, and that she couldn't pretend like nothing had happened.
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  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   compassion1
    Sounds like you did a good job, Mom. Sometimes we've just got to wait them out. Ds is like that. He'll fly off on some tangent or other and'll have steam coming out of his ears. He really should know to watch out when I get real quiet! I leave him to meditate and I wait till he calms down. He'll either apologize first or I'll let him have all that I saved up to ring his ears with. Can't get through to them when their mouths are open and the ears are closed. Again, you did good. Parenting isn't for cowards.
  4. by   Bluehair
    Well done, Tazzi! Wish there were more parents like you and not like her mom!
  5. by   clemmm78
    excellent. I'm in the midst of the teen years here and I know how bumpy the road can get. Congrats at handling it.
  6. by   Spidey's mom
    Quote from compassion1
    . Can't get through to them when their mouths are open and the ears are closed. Again, you did good. Parenting isn't for cowards.

    Love that . . . .mouths open, ears closed.

    Good job Tazzi - I have a 17 y.o. too . . . .

    steph
  7. by   nursemary9
    Tazzi

    I don't have any kids so can't even pretend to give you any advise!! However, I follow your posts on your daughter religiously!! It really sounds like you did a Very Good Job!!

    I have to tell you, your relationship sounds a lot like the one between my Mom & I when I was a teen & thru my early 20's.
    We hardly even spoke a pleasant word to each other. Somehow, as the years flew by, My Mom and I had gotten to be the Best Friends--today at 62yr (me) and 90 (Mom) we remain the best of friends & talk daily & sometimes more often!!
  8. by   TazziRN
    Mary Ann, this change in our relationship is all new, just in less than a year. Before that we were best buddies. Then last summer things changed. It's not that she's treated me (us) differently, it's that she's been pushing her limits to the max. She's also not happy, says she doesn't care about anything, etc. All normal, 17-yr-old-girl stuff. We're not sure if there's outside influences, but we think that part of it might be the stressors of being a senior and facing some major changes come June. The changes have been planned for over a year but they're still changes from the norm, even if the norm is not a good one (her mother and stepdud). Hubs thinks she also might be testing us, pushing to see what she might be able to get away with once she moves in.
  9. by   tencat
    Quote from TazziRN
    Hubs thinks she also might be testing us, pushing to see what she might be able to get away with once she moves in.
    YUP! It seems to me that she's trying to see where her boundaries are with you guys. I imagine it will be a rocky road at first because it sounds like she's used to running the show with mom and 'stepdud' (love that word, by the way ). Hold firm and remember that you're not there to be her 'friend', you're there to be her parent. So far, it sounds like you guys are doing the right things.
  10. by   muffie
    tazzi:

    i will no longer be talking to you until you fess up

    spill the beans

    i need to know

    see my bottom lip ?

    whatever !
  11. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Quote from TazziRN
    She and I apologized to each other, her for attacking me and me for overreacting. I think we're okay. I think she's learned her lesson too, that she doesn't get to run the show all the time. It shocked the wee-wee out of her that she was left alone instead of us calling her and begging, and that she couldn't pretend like nothing had happened.
    GOOD JOB Taz!
  12. by   TazziRN
    Things are back to normal. She's been calling and emailing just like she did before. I honestly think she's learned her lesson about how to handle things.

    One of the things I told her was "You have a right to whatever feelings you have, because they are your own. You do not, however, have the right to treat people like s*** without listening to their side of the story first."
  13. by   Grace Oz
    One of the things I told her was "You have a right to whatever feelings you have, because they are your own. You do not, however, have the right to treat people like s*** without listening to their side of the story first."
    AMEN to this! Glad things are resolving satisfactorily. being a parent can be THE hardest job, ever! Good for you for standing your ground. Wishing you all a smooth and happy future.

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