Troubled Marriages Abound

  1. Dear Allnurses Siblings

    I have received numerous "PM"s regarding my troubled marriage. Every "PM" has been very heartfelt and touching.....full of encouragement, prayer, and positive thoughts being sent my way, and lingering questions as to "what happened".

    In this thread, I would like to discuss marriage as a whole....and the various "trouble spots" that afflict marriages today as in years past. People change, the couples change, the drama remains the same......lies, deception, adultery, pornography, indifferences, sexual habits that differ from one's partner, babies born during a marriage...and not by the wife......incest, marital rape, financial woes, debts and more debts, overwhelming stresses that afflict us all in our homes and on our jobs, health issues......the list of things that interfere and destroy marriages is insurmountable!

    Of the 22,000 plus Allnurses members......there are many many many marriages in trouble.....on the brink of separation and/or divorce. Some will survive the pain they are going through.....others won't. Many children will be affected by the tragedy of those troubled marriages.

    What are we as a society doing wrong that makes couples bring the death of divorce into their lives? What can we do to stop it?
    How long must we suffer the pains of human error in this life?

    Many will know this answer based on the faith they hold dear.....many will shrug their shoulders and say "That's life, babes!" Share your personal thoughts on marriage, the troubles in a marriage, and what has worked for you in resolving those issues.

    I have had several people......on Allnurses and in my personal life....tell me NOT to leave my husband, but to work it out, pray for God's guidance, etc. I have done both.....yet......he does NOT want a divorce because he says "he loves me" I don't understand that. So, if any man here can help me understand what my husband is saying, I'm all ears.

    If by sharing my story with all of you, one marriage is saved from the death of destruction, then my sharing will not be in vain. So...stay tuned on this thread for the truest soap opera you ever want to snuggle up in a good chair and's going to be allllllllll true. Valley of the Dolls will have nothing on my real life drama in marriage. :stone

    One question posed to me was "Does my husband have a girlfriend"?

    The answer as best I know it......and as best he is telling NO!!! I have no proof whatsoever of him having an affair. He has had them in the affair produced a child that is now 5 years old. That affair was with a military soldier. That soldier recently retired from the Army, and is now after my husband for child support.

    I knew about the affair and the child, My husband confessed about it when the child was eight months of age. The affair occurred while he was overseas, and I was living in California during that period of "military separation". The woman pleaded with me not to turn her in to the military because what she and my husband had done would end their military careers, and possibly cause them to spend some time in the brig. I didn't give a dang about their careers........I cared about the innocent child that did not ask to have those two jerks for parents....nor did that child need to be raised on Welfare because its mother would have been kicked out of the service jobless with a dishonorable discharge at that....and possibly would have served time for her adulterous affair with a married soldier which is against military law for both of them to behave in such a way, I kept quiet and allowed her to go her separate way while my husband and I went to therapy for marriage counseling as he begged me to do to save our marriage that I was about to can for good. The woman and her family did not want my husband to be a part of that child's five years later......she is FREE from military punishment, but not my this is her way of saying she doesn't give a dang about him....she now wants $$$$$$.

    I am leaving doubt about that! It's time for me to recover my nursing career.

    We women do NOT understand the thinking processes of a man, and vice versa. So.......I am truly seeking some strong manly advice here. Thanks for your positive and tactful appreciation of the questions posed here, and I will in turn appreciate any advice you share from your own personal experiences.

    Until tomorrow morning.......nighty night!
    Last edit by live4today on Oct 20, '03
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    About live4today

    Joined: Sep '01; Posts: 16,608; Likes: 677


  3. by   Robin61970
    I support you in whatever you feel is best for you. Your husband could have been wonderful, but you could have been unhappy and decided to leave and I would have supported you in that. What happened in your marriage is yours to share "IF" you choose to do so and you can tell parts of it, but there are so many parts to a relationship that it could take years to tell what was good, bad, or just plain ugly about it and still we may not understand all of it because we have not lived it as you have. I will be here to listen and offer as much support as I possibly can for you, but you do what is best for you and you share what you feel comfortable sharing and no more(not that you would ......Lots of (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))).......Love........Prayer s coming your way dear Renee.........your Allnurses family is here to support you!!!!!
  4. by   live4today
    Thanks Robin! :kiss

    I'm only sharing due to the oodles of email and "PM"s I've been getting. It's easier to write it here on a thread than to write my fingers off in the "PM"s and the emails flooding my box each day.
    Everyone cares.......I love them for it......but, this thread will hopefully answer the puzzled minds that care so much....and may possibly help save one of their own marriages, or something more profound. :kiss
  5. by   Robin61970
    I'm shocked that you still have a PM box,'s probably getting lots of business lately.......When I decided to leave my last husband(it was after a long drawn out soap opera type thing) we were driving down the road and it just hit me.....I looked at him and said I think it's time we moved on and I felt a great weight was lifted from my shoulders.........he agreed and thats how it started....sometimes it's like a lightbulb comes on and our mind or whatever part of us says enough is enough........(((((((HUGS))))))))
  6. by   live4today
    Yepper......I've definitely reached that "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" point with this man since he isn't willing to commit himself emotionally or intimately to me anymore. I love him....he says he loves me......I show him I love him...I still desire him sexually....he doesn't want to have sex or be he must be sexually confused and maybe he's homosexual now. Maybe he's always been homosexual. He's had a couple homosexual cousins. One married trying to be straight, but died of AIDS during that marriage. It scares me that he may be putting my life at risk which is why he may be pulling away from me sexually.

    I don't know. Right now...I need some sleep. He's leaving in about five hours for the airport and will be gone on military orders for a trauma course training in Miami, FL for two weeks. I'll be ready to leave when he returns. Can't leave my doggy. He has had four seizures in several weeks now.....more than he has ever had. I don't want to take him up North where the weather is colder. Last time we took him up North, he had a really bad seizure. I think my little Prince may be nearing the end of his life here on earth. The Vet thinks it might happen soon. So, I want to spend these next two weeks with him before I leave.....but, I'm definitely leaving mid month.
  7. by   TheLionessRN
    As a Christian, it is difficult to just tell someonw to walk away from a marriage. Adultery IS a ground for divorce, tho. I didn't see the mention of children in your post, and since I am pretty new to the BB, I don't know enough about you to know this already.
    Divorce is awful for children. If there are no children, and if you both aren't committed Christians with a really strong pastor to counsel you then maybe cutting your losses is the best thing.

    I am so sorry for your pain. I have been divorced for 11 years and have raised my kids alone with a lot of help from my mom. It isn't easy. No matter what the situation is, divorce is anything but easy.
  8. by   mark_LD_RN
    cheerful doer. I am sorry to hear of all your troubles. I agree there are a lot of marrages out there that have problems. I have had my own great diffuculties in mine. we have been trough great finacial distress and experiences a host of other things you mentioned, growing apart ,birth of our children, changes in our beliefs and focus, illness, sexual issues as well as pure exhaustion and stresses of nursing. Lack of quality time spent together we grew apart and had to and continue to work hard to become as close as we once were.
    people do change for better and worse. If he is not willing to work at it and change, it will not work showing indefference will just not cut it. as far as the men are lookers not doers, men do tend to be more visually stimulated, does not mean he is gay,but may have interest in just seeing his s/o visually, or maybe he is covering form a performance problem. but the possibility does exist thae he is having or is interested in other sexual activities which may not interest you, or an affair.
    well good luck in what ever you choose,hope all works out well for you. Mark
  9. by   Nurse Ratched
    Because it may help someone else, I am going to share here that I filed for divorce from my husband about two years ago. It was a total shock to him. We had had some difficult times, but he had resolved some problems he was having (none of them involved infidelity - I truly don't believe that's in him.) Unfortunately, by the time he got HIS act together, I was tired of trying, tired of being the one who had held things together. So I filed. And if you can believe it, he changed. We both did, actually.

    He wanted the chance to do things right. So we gave it another shot. I didn't hold out tons of hope - I filed rather than talking it out because I was SO SURE he would never change that it wasn't even worth trying. But he has become more loving, more emotionally open and all the things I could have wanted.

    I won't say that I don't occasioanlly see in him a little of the pain I caused by doing things in that manner. I hurt that I hurt him. But ultimately it was for the betterment of our marriage even tho I had no clue at the time that there was hope of saving it.

    I am grateful every day for the second chance to have happiness with the man I love. I wish that opportunity for all of you and hope it doesn't have to come to what ours did for both parties to wake up.
  10. by   Mkue
    Marriage is a lot of hard work, highs and lows. Sometimes the "lows" get really LOW.

    I agree with Mark, people do change for the better and for the worse.

    Good Luck Renee, I wish you the best and I'm confident that you will do what's best for you at this time !
  11. by   kmchugh
    Gotta cogitate on this one. Sometimes, there are no words. Renee, I have you in my heart, and am hoping and praying for the day things get better for you.

  12. by   fedupnurse
    Renee, you took the high road a few years ago when you forgave him for cheating on you. You took the high road again when you didn't turn either of them into the military. You definetly took that same high road when you thought of the child involved. All I can say is follow your heart and your gut. Personally I couldn't stay with someone that I do not trust and I doubt I could ever get over the deception that an affair brings. I couldn't live always wondering why is he 5 minutes late and who is he with now. I give you credit for trying to work things out all these years but you have to do what you feel is best. Our guts don't lie, you just have to hear what it is telling you. I wish you the best with this very upsetting and difficult time that you are dealing with. God Bless you!
  13. by   Rustyhammer
    [QUOTE]Originally posted by cheerfuldoer
    [B]Dear Allnurses Siblings

    Husband has said "He is a LOOKER NOT A DOER when it comes to sex. QUOTE]

    Well he wasn't just a "looker" when he was having his affair was he?
    Marriage is a committment!
    It's ok to read the menu, but you should always eat at home.
  14. by   kittyw
    (((Renee))) I remember all too well wondering what to do with my marriage. One of the hardest times in my life. I wanted so much to keep it intact cause I felt as though God doesn't want divorces and I felt like a failure. (As though some how I could have made it work.)

    He grew emotionally distant after we married. He no longer held hands, cuddled with me ... he burried himself in volunteer work. He wanted everyone else to think of him as this wonderful person. I tried over and over to get him to want to do all the little lovey things you do with someone you love - and he would for a day or two - just long enough to stop me from asking. He later told me that he didn't need to do those things since we were married and I couldn't go anywhere.

    He was emotionally/mentally abusive, he was manipulative. Unfortunately, so were my parents so life didn't seem all that different from what I had seen previously. I really wish that people would focus on reaching out somehow to those who are emotionally/mentally abused. I had always been told about physical abuse - why can't they mention the other forms of abuse as a precursor to their message?

    I graduated college in 97. In 98 (I found this out after the fact) he started cheating. He was using the online ads, covering his tracts well enough (he already had a history of volunteering - not hard to say he had to go do something with the unit and well... you know.) He did draw away sexually.

    I found out in 2000. I requested marriage counseling ... tried so hard to work on our marriage. He was sooo far gone by then. Multiple partners w/o condoms. One girl told me she had sex w/o condom and that she had an infection (ended up being a UTI) & that her doc said if she slept with anyone they ought to take this abx. I confronted my ex, he didn't deny it. He refused counseling - said that men were supposed to go out and multiply and if you interfered with that desire than you were interfering with nature and that leads to horrible consequences! *****? I went to his parents - his mom said, "What do you care if he's got a girlfriend?" Ok, so I now know where he got it from.

    Once I found out, I put stuff on the computer that would capture what he was doing.... over the course of several months (after I left) I found out stuff that I had no clue. I frankly saved my life by leaving.

    I decided to go back to school - getting my MSN now in acute care. He had to have his parents buy him a home and a new car. *****?

    Fortunately, I walked away with no STDs. I cried sooo much in my ob/gyn's office when I realized he could have killed or maimed me with a STD.

    I went on a medical mission trip this summer. I was really worried that I would be working with some Christian nuts that wouldn't accept me since I was divorced. But they were so sweet and acknowledged that the Bible does allow for divorce d/t adultery and were so accepting.

    Definately a lot better life for me since I got out. I don't want anyone to take divorce lightly, but sometimes it's just what you got to do. Only you know your husband as a spouse. Just make the decision that's best for you. ((((hugs))))
    Last edit by kittyw on Oct 1, '02