Dear Allnurses Siblings
I have received numerous
"PM"s regarding my troubled marriage. Every "PM" has been very heartfelt and touching.....full of encouragement, prayer, and positive thoughts being sent my way, and lingering questions as to "what happened".
In this thread, I would like to discuss marriage as a whole....and the various "trouble spots" that afflict marriages today as in years past. People change, the couples change, the drama remains the same......lies, deception, adultery, pornography, indifferences, sexual habits that differ from one's partner, babies born during a marriage...and not by the wife......incest, marital rape, financial woes, debts and more debts, overwhelming stresses that afflict us all in our homes and on our jobs, health issues......the list of things that interfere and destroy marriages is insurmountable!
Of the 22,000 plus
Allnurses members......there are many many many marriages in trouble.....on the brink of separation and/or divorce. Some will survive the pain they are going through.....others won't. Many children will be affected by the tragedy of those troubled marriages.
What are we as a society doing wrong that makes couples bring the death of divorce into their lives? What can we do to stop it?
How long must we suffer the pains of human error in this life?
Many will know this answer based on the faith they hold dear.....many will shrug their shoulders and say "That's life, babes!" Share your personal thoughts
on marriage, the troubles in a marriage, and what has worked for you in resolving those issues.
I have had several people......on Allnurses and in my personal life....tell me NOT to leave my husband, but to work it out, pray for God's guidance, etc. I have done both.....yet......he does NOT
want a divorce because he says "he loves me"
I don't understand that. So, if any man here can help me understand what my husband is saying, I'm all ears.
If by sharing my story with all of you, one marriage is saved from the death of destruction, then my sharing will not be in vain. So...stay tuned on this thread for the truest soap opera you ever want to snuggle up in a good chair and read.......it's going to be allllllllll true. Valley of the Dolls will have nothing on my real life drama in marriage. :stone
One question posed to me was "Does my husband have a girlfriend"?
The answer as best I know it......and as best he is telling it.....is NO!!!
I have no proof whatsoever
of him having an affair. He has had them in the past.....one affair produced a child that is now 5 years old. That affair was with a military soldier. That soldier recently retired from the Army, and is now after my husband for child support.
I knew about the affair and the child, My husband confessed about it when the child was eight months of age. The affair occurred while he was overseas, and I was living in California during that period of "military separation". The woman pleaded with me not to turn her in to the military because what she and my husband had done would end their military careers, and possibly cause them to spend some time in the brig. I didn't give a dang about their careers........I cared about the innocent child that did not ask to have those two jerks for parents....nor did that child need to be raised on Welfare because its mother would have been kicked out of the service jobless with a dishonorable discharge at that....and possibly would have served time for her adulterous affair with a married soldier which is against military law for both of them to behave in such a way,...so I kept quiet and allowed her to go her separate way while my husband and I went to therapy for marriage counseling as he
begged me to do to save our marriage that I was about to can for good. The woman and her family did not want my husband to be a part of that child's life......now five years later......she is FREE
from military punishment, but not my husband......so this is her way of saying she doesn't give a dang about him....she now wants $$$$$$.
I am leaving Texas......no doubt about that! It's time for me to recover my nursing career.
We women do NOT understand the thinking processes of a man, and vice versa. So.......I am truly seeking some strong manly advice here. Thanks for your positive and tactful appreciation of the questions posed here, and I will in turn appreciate any advice you share from your own personal experiences.
Until tomorrow morning.......nighty night!
Oct 1, '02
(((Renee))) I remember all too well wondering what to do with my marriage. One of the hardest times in my life. I wanted so much to keep it intact cause I felt as though God doesn't want divorces and I felt like a failure. (As though some how I could have made it work.)
He grew emotionally distant after we married. He no longer held hands, cuddled with me ... he burried himself in volunteer work. He wanted everyone else to think of him as this wonderful person. I tried over and over to get him to want to do all the little lovey things you do with someone you love - and he would for a day or two - just long enough to stop me from asking. He later told me that he didn't need to do those things since we were married and I couldn't go anywhere.
He was emotionally/mentally abusive, he was manipulative. Unfortunately, so were my parents so life didn't seem all that different from what I had seen previously. I really wish that people would focus on reaching out somehow to those who are emotionally/mentally abused. I had always been told about physical abuse - why can't they mention the other forms of abuse as a precursor to their message?
I graduated college in 97. In 98 (I found this out after the fact) he started cheating. He was using the online ads, covering his tracts well enough (he already had a history of volunteering - not hard to say he had to go do something with the unit and well... you know.) He did draw away sexually.
I found out in 2000. I requested marriage counseling ... tried so hard to work on our marriage. He was sooo far gone by then. Multiple partners w/o condoms. One girl told me she had sex w/o condom and that she had an infection (ended up being a UTI) & that her doc said if she slept with anyone they ought to take this abx.
I confronted my ex, he didn't deny it. He refused counseling - said that men were supposed to go out and multiply and if you interfered with that desire than you were interfering with nature and that leads to horrible consequences! *****? I went to his parents - his mom said, "What do you care if he's got a girlfriend?" Ok, so I now know where he got it from.
Once I found out, I put stuff on the computer that would capture what he was doing.... over the course of several months (after I left) I found out stuff that I had no clue. I frankly saved my life by leaving.
I decided to go back to school - getting my MSN now in acute care.
He had to have his parents buy him a home and a new car. *****?
Fortunately, I walked away with no STDs. I cried sooo much in my ob/gyn's office when I realized he could have killed or maimed me with a STD.
I went on a medical mission trip this summer. I was really worried that I would be working with some Christian nuts that wouldn't accept me since I was divorced. But they were so sweet and acknowledged that the Bible does allow for divorce d/t adultery and were so accepting.
Definately a lot better life for me since I got out. I don't want anyone to take divorce lightly, but sometimes it's just what you got to do. Only you know your husband as a spouse. Just make the decision that's best for you. ((((hugs))))
Last edit by kittyw on Oct 1, '02