To my Thanksgiving guests...

  1. Martha Stewart will
    not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
    I'm telling you in advance, so
    don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart
    won't be coming, I've made a few
    small changes:
    .
    Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade,
    paper bag luminaries. After a
    trial run, it was decided that no matter
    how cleverly done, rows of flaming
    lunch sacks do not have the
    desired welcoming effect.
    .
    The dining table will not be covered with
    expensive linens, fancy china or
    crystal goblets. If possible, we will use
    dishes that match and everyone
    will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving,
    we will refrain from using the
    plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the
    Santa napkins from last Christmas.
    .
    Our centerpiece will not be the tower
    of fresh fruit and flowers that I
    promised. Instead we will be
    displaying a hedgehog-like
    decoration hand-crafted from the
    finest construction paper. The artist
    assures me it is a turkey.
    .
    We will be dining fashionably late.
    The children will entertain you while
    you wait. I'm sure they will be happy
    to share every choice comment I have
    made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims
    and the turkey hotline. Please
    remember that most of these comments
    were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering
    that the turkey was still hard enough
    to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to
    the children's recital, I will play a
    recording of tribal drumming. If the
    children should mention that I don't
    own a recording of tribal drumming, or
    that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously
    like a frozen turkey in a clothes
    dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
    .
    We toyed with the idea of ringing a
    dainty silver bell to announce the
    start of our feast. In the end, we chose
    to keep our traditional method.
    We've also decided against a formal seating
    arrangement. When the smoke
    alarm sounds, please gather around the
    table and sit where you like. In the
    spirit of harmony, we will ask the
    children to sit at a separate table. In a
    separate room. Next door.
    .
    Now I know you have all seen pictures
    of one person carving a turkey in
    front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers.
    This will not be happening at
    our dinner. For safety reasons, the
    turkey will be carved in a private
    ceremony. I stress "private" meaning:
    Do not, under any circumstances, enter
    the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send
    small, unsuspecting children to
    check on my progress. I have an
    electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It
    stands to reason that I will eventually
    win. When I do, we will eat.
    .
    Before I forget, there is one last change.
    Instead of offering a choice
    between 12 different scrumptious desserts,
    we will be serving the
    traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with
    whipped cream and small
    fingerprints. You will still
    have a choice: take it or leave it.
    Martha Stewart will not be dining
    with us this Thanksgiving. She probably
    won't come next year either.
    I am thankful.
    .
    Made ya smile didn't it??? Pass Martha along!!!

    Have a wonderful day on Thanksgiving,
    Betts&Dean
    •  
  2. 8 Comments

  3. by   emily_mom
    Very funny!!! Martha is nowhere near my house either....thank God!!
  4. by   sharann
    Ohhhh, and I was SO looking forward to knitting my own placemats out of leftover dryer lint!
  5. by   karenG
    em sad question but when is thanksgiving??

    Karen
  6. by   cactus wren
    Karen, Thanksgiving is this Thursday.....Think it goes like this......the third Thursday after the first monday in November... Us Yanks tend to forget that this BB draws folks from the enire planet....
    Loved the sentiments......just think maybe by next year Martha could be showing her new roomies how to DO Thanksgiving....like maybe Cookie.....:roll
  7. by   baseline
    I want to remove Martha's fingernails........! I love the story!
  8. by   cargal
    Awe, but she went to Ellen Degenere's dinner. I was very similar to a Lucy Ricardo dinner. I think Martha's neighbors wish she was dining at your house.
    Thanks for the smiles.

    Happy Thanksgiving.
  9. by   adrienurse
    Hillarious!
  10. by   Mkue
    LOL.. sounds alot like Thursday at our house:chuckle

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