To be or not to be...a parent

  1. This is probably not the most appropriate place for this post, however I can't post in the breakroom and any input would be greatly appreciated.

    I'm about to be 27 and for the last year or two I have been struggling so bad with the baby issue. Do I want kids? Do I want to lose my freedom? My husband and I have such a great relationship and I don't want to end up like my parents...On the other hand, I feel like I'd be a great mom. DH has a son from a previous marrage and he is an amazing dad. I'm so confused. What I'm worried about is that it may just be the "baby" idea that appeals to me. Everyone is having babies. I know they grow up and can be a pain (stepson is 9). I can't stand how this is messing with my head. Did any of you know that you wanted to be a parent? Any advice? Can you talk me into it? DH would be fine either way. He has a child already but said he would have another or not. At least he's stable...
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  2. 23 Comments

  3. by   r_janice
    :chuckle
    Quote from sugabuga
    Did any of you know that you wanted to be a parent? Any advice? Can you talk me into it?
    Hi. Im 21 and I have a two year old daughter. After I graduated high school my now fiance then boyfriend decided his friends kids were great and thought it would be nice to have a child of our own. I just agreed and went along with it. My daughter is great. You say you dont want to lose your freedom....its not your freedom you lose its your privacy . Id rather go to the park and play then go to a party and drink. But I would enjoy a shower or using the restroom by myself! What you decide is completely up to you I will NOT talk you into it :chuckle I do not regret my choice at all. If I could go back and change the order Ive done things: Graduate High school, Pregnancy, College, (soon) House I wouldnt. Whatever makes you happy go for it. Hoped this helped some.............
    Last edit by r_janice on Sep 13, '05
  4. by   L&D_2b
    I always tell people "Kids are the best things you never knew you always wanted". With that said, my husband and I are having our 4th right now. However, A few years ago, I could have wrote your post word for word.
    Good luck in whatever you decide.



    Quote from sugabuga
    This is probably not the most appropriate place for this post, however I can't post in the breakroom and any input would be greatly appreciated.

    I'm about to be 27 and for the last year or two I have been struggling so bad with the baby issue. Do I want kids? Do I want to lose my freedom? My husband and I have such a great relationship and I don't want to end up like my parents...On the other hand, I feel like I'd be a great mom. DH has a son from a previous marrage and he is an amazing dad. I'm so confused. What I'm worried about is that it may just be the "baby" idea that appeals to me. Everyone is having babies. I know they grow up and can be a pain (stepson is 9). I can't stand how this is messing with my head. Did any of you know that you wanted to be a parent? Any advice? Can you talk me into it? DH would be fine either way. He has a child already but said he would have another or not. At least he's stable...
  5. by   lady_jezebel
    Funny, I was never interested in having kids & maybe even didn't like children very much .... but then I had my son, and WOW, this is the best thing that's ever happened to my husband and I. We love that little boy so much, it's just overwhelming sometimes. Every day is fascinating b/c he changes so quickly. Honestly, where once I often declared that I would NEVER have children, now I wish that I had him earlier (pregnant at 34, now 35). I used to scan the internet for info about whether people with children are "really" happy, and wondered if anyone regretted their decision to have kids. Looking at other people's children, they never seemed cute to me or stirred any maternal feelings. I even thought that people who had kids were settling for less & would lose all their freedom & would become boring and one-dimensional as individuals -- how wrong I was! I was so naive and judgemental of people who chose kids, and just plain wrong. Thank God I was lucky enough to accidentally get pregnant!

    I look back on my life before this child, & my previous life now seems so meaningless -- though I would have not understood this before having a child. In other words, it's really something you've just got to experience in order to understand -- and I doubt having a 9 yr old stepson can compare, b/c he doesn't feel like your child to you (ie. you haven't raised him since birth & experienced all that reciprocal love from your own baby). You can have a wonderful life childless, but it won't reach the depths of emotion & breadth of personal growth that comes from having a child -- it broadens your world in such an incredible way. I say go for it, you won't regret it (after the first 3 months, that is *LOL*)!

    All that said, having a child is THE HARDEST thing I've ever done. It's exhausting a lot of the time, and I'm constantly sleep deprived. It's harder than nursing, for sure. Regardless, it's worth it. It stretches you as a human being, it completely opens up a new world, it's fasinating, and it's fun!
  6. by   sugabuga
    I also worry about time. DH and I will both be nurses in about a year. Will we have enough time to spend with them. Nurses don't make a ton of money. Will we be able to save for the child's college fund and retirement? Sooo many questions.
  7. by   Haunted
    I always suggest that folks in your quandry offer to babysit an infant overnight and get a feel for what you will be in for. I am sure your husband is a great Dad which is a plus, however having a 9 year old boy and adding an infant will require him to spend even more time with his existing son to reassure him he is not being "replaced" leaving you to provide the majority of care for a demanding infant.

    You are still quite young and can continue to hash this out with your husband, it sounds like you have wonderful communication between you and a lot of positives in your marriage.

    No one should ever, ever "talk you into, or out of" the decision to become pregnant. Remember, we are all very different people and some of us just plain old do not like the idea of crying babies, poopie diapers or lack of spontanaiety in our lives. Then, some of us are overwhelmed and consumed with the love of a child, proud of the responsibility and can relax and laugh off a lot of the silly things that toddlers do.

    I became pregnant unintentionally and my then husband was very unsupportive throughout the pregnancy, delivery and I ended up raising my now 17 year old son primarily on my own. I wish the Dad could have been more helpful so that I could have a chance to relax and rest and enjoy being a Mom, but in the end I was taking care of them both.

    My son is a wonderful young man who has his good days and bad days and I cannot believe he is 17 !!!! For a while there he was sleeping through the night! Now he roams the house in the wee hours of the morning like a vampire and when I ask him what the heck he is doing, he tells me he is eating!

    And he is! An eating machine. 200 bucks a week at the grocery store. Thank goodness he has a penchant for healthy food or he would be a big fella. What a great topic! Let us know what you decide.
  8. by   eltrip
    Don't sweat it & give yourself some time. You do not have to decide this minute, right?

    I finished nursing school at 30 & had my 1st child at 33. I'm now 42 & expecting my 2nd (and last) child. I'd always expected to become a mom but held off for years (I'm the eldest of 4 & spent too much time being mom when I was a child). I'm glad that I waited.

    Spending enough time with a child....I worked nights when my DD was born & now have a desk job that allows me more family time. Being my DD's mom is one of the best things to ever happen to me, no doubt about it. Privacy can be an issue (it does get better as they get older) and you have to make taking care of yourself & your marriage a priority.

    As for being able to afford a child, well really, who can afford one? When preparing for my adult life, I was determined that I wouldn't have children until I could afford to buy their clothes & pay for the dentist. RN pay isn't spectacular in my neck of the woods but it's more than what many families earn. I'm the primary breadwinner in my family (DH & I both work) & we're definitely well within the middle class. Mind you, we have to watch our spending but we have no problem paying the bills.

    One question to consider: if you don't try to have a child, will you regret not trying? This is for you to decide, as no one else can decide for you.

    all the best,
    eltrip
  9. by   r_janice
    Quote from L&D_2b
    "Kids are the best things you never knew you always wanted".
    Very well put......
  10. by   r_janice
    Quote from sugabuga
    I also worry about time. DH and I will both be nurses in about a year. Will we have enough time to spend with them. Nurses don't make a ton of money. Will we be able to save for the child's college fund and retirement? Sooo many questions.
    If you wait until you are "financially stable" youll most likely NEVER have a child! :chuckle Things will work themselves out.
  11. by   Euskadi1946
    Being the oldest of 10 I had always wanted to have children. Unfortunately I could't have any of my own. Suddenly after 12 years of marriage, the most beautiful little girl fell into our lap and we adopted her. We had already traveled to Mexico, Hawaii, Spain, Portugal, Morocco, Gibraltar so we were absolutely ready for her, plus we never had to leave her with a baby sitter because she was have baby will travel. We took her everywhere with us and enjoyed every minute of it. She has been the love of our lives for 18 years and although her teen years were a challenge, not once have we regretted adopting her. If you think kids are great, wait til the grand kids come along. Our two little grandsons are the apples of our eyes. Children make life worth living, but if you honestly feel that you don't want them, then please, don't have them.
  12. by   Cute_CNA
    I'm 25, childless, and quite happy. I tell people who are pregnant or just had children, "Better you than me!" I don't envy them.

    I think the worse thing you can do is to jump on the baby bandwagon. It's important to make sure that this is what you really want to do, and not just so you don't feel left out of the loop. Make sure you have your major life goals achieved before you take the plunge, because I hear that children consume your life, and change it forever. I'm happy being independent (though I am married), and able to tweak my schedule the way I want to w/o having to worry about children. It's also nice to get a full-night's rest.

    I think child-rearing is just cultural, and that it's expected of couples. I don't think there's a biological drive to have sex to procreate; I do believe that there is a drive to have sex for pleasure. But I think that having a desire to have children is learned, not innate.

    I'm in no hurry!
  13. by   cassbuth
    I had to chime in here as I am approaching my daughter's 1 year birthday. :hatparty:
    I am 32 and always said that I would never have kids....the babysitting idea ...I did that and it totally turned me off of kids. Then something changed and I said, "Well, maybe we can try." A week after going off the pill I was pregnant. I didn't even have time to get excited about the pregnancy! When I took the test I was more depressed by the outcome.
    I detested pregnancy, thought delivery was the worst thing I had ever gone through, was a miserable breast feeder, hated the first 2 months of little to no sleep and told my husband if I ever mentioned having another baby to shoot me.

    Now that my daughter is a year old.....I want another already. Words cant describe how rewarding it is to be a parent. As a previous poster put it....it was the best mistake that could happen to me. I guess the reason I gave in to my husbands desire to have a baby is that as I heard what people had to say about parenting was that no one regreted having kids and most people if they look back on their lives that didn't have kids wished that they did. Certainly not all childless couples wished they had kids, but I didn't want to take that chance. Now I only wished I hadn't waited so late!!

    Don't know if this post actually helps in your decision or not. It is just something you have to work out for yourself is what it all boils down to.

    Good luck!

    Cass
  14. by   fergus51
    You sound a lot like me. I love babies (work with them full time), but I don't love bratty kids as much (I know my kids hopefully wouldn't be brats, but still....). Right now I don't feel a need to breed. Things may change, I have time. So do you.

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