The world's against me (vent)

  1. Some background info: I'm 25, a CNA and student. I also have Crohn's and ulcerative colitis, depression, GAD. Anyway, 2 weeks ago I went for a routine US. Have RUQ due to Crohn's and have had the pain for about 2 years. It's constant pain, sometimes excrutiating, sometimes not. I hate taking painkillers because I hate that loopy feeling but sometimes I need to in order to function. I've had my fair share of US and nothing has ever been found. Dr. did it because it's a routine thing with me. I had an appt. last week as a follow up (had been to ER for dehydration). He tells me that the US showed a nodule on the left lobe of my liver. Normally I would have asked alot of questions but I was so stunned. He ordered a CT with contrast and I had that done last Thurs. I worked the weekend and we can view test results, x-rays, etc. on the computer. Please, don't anyone chastise me for doing this. I asked nsg supervisor to print off the report. She knows my probs and didn't have a prob doing this. I wanted the results because I thought it would make me feel better as I had not been sleeping and had been jumpy. Test results not so great. Keep in mind I'm 25. CT showed 1.5cm mass in right breast and 1cm nodule on right lobe of liver (not L like on US). My dr. came onto the floor and said hi to me and told me that he hadn't had a chance to look at my test results. I told him I had them in my pocket and he asked to see them. I gave them to him, he looked it over. We have a great relationship. He's a very caring dr. and sooo understanding plus he's incredibly smart to boot. Best doc I've ever had. He tells me he'll order a mammogram and US for breast and MRI for liver. He tells me not to worry about it. Yeah, right. I have no family history of liver or breast cancer. I'm so freaking out right now. I'm already picturing myself bald. My liver enzymes were normal so I figure that's good. I've been on alot of predinsone lately, though not taking it now. When I talked to the nurses at work they said not to worry, that it could be a cyst. I'm already down because I have UC and Crohn's and am trying to make it through school. I still live with my parents because of my medical bills and sometimes I'm so sick that I can't be left alone. I JUST WANT TO BE A FREAKING NURSE!!! For some reason, God feels like he has to dump all this crap on me. Like there's not 6 billion other people in this world. I never catch a break! Everytime I want to do something I end up in the hospital or I'm too sick to leave the house. I had finally decided to have surgery to remove my large intestine which is completely covered with ulcerative colitis. Dr. would do a J pouch so I wouldn't have an ostomy. I would still have Crohn's but it's better than having both. I'm so depressed right now and am taking meds but they don't seem to be working. I'm spending over $250/month on meds alone and that's with insurance. This is what I want: to be a nurse in NICU, a loving husband, six children and health. Am I asking too much???

    Sorry this post is long but I've been keeping this bottled up. Thanks for listening.
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  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   Jessy_RN
    No, you are not asking for too much. I am so sorry for your pain and health issues. Truly, I wish you nothing but the best. Will add you to my prayers too. You seem very determined, so I know you will be able to overcome this and get on with your dream.

    God bless you.
  4. by   SouthernLPN2RN
    I am so sorry and I really don't know what to say. You have my support and you are in my prayers.
  5. by   LoriAlabamaRN
    Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry. That's too much for anyone's plate, IMO. I am praying for you too, and keep strong. Have you scheduled the surgery?
  6. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Wow I am sorry to read all of this....you really do have a tough time. HUGS!
  7. by   jnette
    (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) bethin.

    I was so sorry to read this.

    Please.. try to take one day, and one ordeal at a time. It's too overwhelming any other way. I am truly sorry for your circumstances.

    But keep your chin UP, you WILL succeed against the odds, I can "hear" it in your post.

    You have a good network of support and encouragemnet here, so that is already in your favor.

    Feel free to vent anytime. We care.
  8. by   Tweety
    I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. Best wishes.
  9. by   Katnip
    I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of it. Try to hang on and take it one step at a time. And know that we're always here to listen.

    ~Kat
  10. by   bethin
    You guys are the best!!! I do feel better about the situation since my OP. Reading everyone's postive remarks helped. I'm going to stay positive. Plenty of times I've been told it's something serious and it turns out not to be. For example, when I was having symptoms of my ulcerative colitis, losing 25 pounds in 2 weeks, losing ALOT of blood doctors told me it sounded like colon cancer.

    Thanks again. You all are :angel2:
  11. by   bethin
    Quote from LoriAlabamaRN
    Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry. That's too much for anyone's plate, IMO. I am praying for you too, and keep strong. Have you scheduled the surgery?
    Thanks, Lori. I haven't scheduled the surgery yet. I want to wait until my tests come back. If they can't see anything with the mammogram then it's something else. I'm planning on waiting for this to end and then have it done. I just didn't want to have major surgery if I have cancer. It would take so long to recover and imagine me on chemo without a large intestine. One thing at a time.

    Thanks again Lori. You are so sweet to everyone.
  12. by   weetziebat
    Bethin,
    Just read your post and sooo sorry to hear of all your problems. You have so much going on without this latest worry!
    I can only imagine how difficult it must be at this point to have to wait. When are the next tests scheduled for?
    Just want to say you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I know it is easier said than done, but try to stay positive, and take it one day at a time. So often what we worry about never comes to pass. :icon_hug:
    And know we're always here if you need to vent.
  13. by   bethin
    Quote from weetziebat
    Bethin,
    Just read your post and sooo sorry to hear of all your problems. You have so much going on without this latest worry!
    I can only imagine how difficult it must be at this point to have to wait. When are the next tests scheduled for?
    Just want to say you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I know it is easier said than done, but try to stay positive, and take it one day at a time. So often what we worry about never comes to pass. :icon_hug:
    And know we're always here if you need to vent.

    I have a mammogram scheduled for Dec. 7. I could have already been done with it but I waited a week to return the doc's calls. I was scared. Now I'm scared of the mammogram. No offense, but I'm 25. My breast haven't begun to sag and frankly, I don't see how they're going to smush my breasts flat. I don't think they'll be able to find anything though. I had a breast reduction about 3 yrs. ago and my incisions dehissed(sp) so I have alot of scar tissue. Plus, I think at my age isn't my tissue more dense? I don't know. I'll go through with it. I'm just afraid after the doc gets the results it's going to be another test that I have to wait around for. I feel like telling him just cut me open and do a biopsy. I have a feeling it's going to end that way.

    Thanks for listening.
  14. by   bethin
    edited for double post.

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