the wisdom of a kenny rogers song ......somebody stop me.......

  1. "you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run"
    Okay I realize I am quoting a country song so that must mean I'm in a sad mood or something but still forgive my ramblings below ....

    I have been away from the board lately for no other reason then the fact that I have been anticipatory grieving......no one in my family is ill or anything thank god I'm speaking about my relationship situation ,or what have you..

    I met this wonderful guy when I was a mere 18 years old , fell instantly , relationship grew into one of the most meaningful bonds I think I will ever have with a person. He is my best friend.
    we had the usual make up break ups and make ups that are pretty common but now I have hit a new obstacle.... I feel like this relationship may have completely run its course.
    This person used to make me feel loved, as though I was truly the mo st beautiful person on the planet - you just cant get better than that feeling! I dont feel that way anymore.
    My mom always told me that I would give more to a person in life then I would probably get back , its just my nature...I've seen that come to fruition in friendships before but never a relationship, until now. It would seem so simple , it would seem like I just have to buck up and call it quits.
    but when you have all these feelings invested into a person thats so difficult to do. My problem is , I believed this was my person, my one person, I thought we would get married,we talked about the future , pondered what our children would be like , the whole nine yards and to have that kind of go up in smoke is tearing me apart.
    I will be 26 years old in January , and that is young , I'm aware but I had always hoped I would be with someone at this point to build a future with (I thought I had that)
    we all want the same thing, to get the love we give to a person in return..... to know that someone thinks the world of you and loves you not despite your flaws but in part because of them.
    I reached that point with this person but I now believe its not reciprocated.
    the I love you's have all but stopped, anniversaries pass, I always wrote him a letter or told him how much he meant to me , and as of the last "anniversary" I got nothing, I'm not materialistic, I am pathethically easy to please but just cant buck up and say "you know what I feel taken for granted" or "you are not giving me what I need anymore" why? partly because I'm a coward but partly because this person is my best friend...
    its selfish to stay in a half assed situation , I just dont know what to do...
    thanks for listening, I know that many of you have been where I am , and I have poured my heart out on many occasions ... I'm not afraid to be alone (well maybe a tad afraid hehe) I just fear that I will never have those feelings of love again....
    I have so much to give , and no one to appreciate it
    its all your fault ppl , your meaning of love threads and the answer to the question of what is love threads got me started
    (just kidding)
    someone stop me before I start watching terms of endearment or something.......
    •  
  2. 17 Comments

  3. by   Stargazer
    I am pathethically easy to please but just cant buck up and say "you know what I feel taken for granted" or "you are not giving me what I need anymore" why? partly because I'm a coward but partly because this person is my best friend...
    Wendy, if this guy is your best friend I think it's even more likely than if he were "just" your boyfriend, that he would want to know this. It sounds like you guys just aren't talking to each other.

    Even if you're right and the break-up is inevitable, you still have a decent chance of preserving the friendship--IF you talk about it. I know it won't be easy, but it needs to be done. There's always the chance, too, that he really has no idea that there's anything wrong and would be willing to invest a little more effort if he knew. Guys can be pathetic about these things sometimes.


    Regardless, you HAVE been missed round these parts-- and this has to be a tough thing to be going through, especially with the holidays coming up. All the hugs and shoulders to cry on that you could possibly wish for, right here. You know we love you! Hang in there.
  4. by   Nurse Ratched
    Wendy, glad to see you back. I've missed you, too.

    You are a sweet person. I get the feeling that you give 100% to anything and it really sucks that some guy doesn't realize what he's got. (allnurses guys: ignore the next blatantly sexist remark...) Men are sometimes idiots (read: not psychic) who think things are going just fabulously just because we haven't told them otherwise. I agree with Stargazer. Talk to him, and he just doesn't get it, or is just pulling away in a passive separation, then count yourself lucky that you wasted no more time with him. (Often, the grieving for what might have been is almost worse than the grieving for what was, I know...)

    (((hugs))) to you, dear Wendy.

    And stay away from Kenny Rogers; as breakup mopey music goes, I like Dido, Bread, or preferably your fellow Canadian, Alannis Morisette... .
  5. by   Top Cat2
    Dear happeewendy,
    I know what your talking about Ive been through it. In the end I had to do what was right for me and give him the flick, it is hard but it was worth it because now I have a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. You will also now when the time is right.
    Talk to him, listen to what he has to say, and weigh up your options.

    Good luck
    Top Cat2


    Originally posted by hapeewendy
    "you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run"
    Okay I realize I am quoting a country song so that must mean I'm in a sad mood or something but still forgive my ramblings below ....

    I have been away from the board lately for no other reason then the fact that I have been anticipatory grieving......no one in my family is ill or anything thank god I'm speaking about my relationship situation ,or what have you..

    I met this wonderful guy when I was a mere 18 years old , fell instantly , relationship grew into one of the most meaningful bonds I think I will ever have with a person. He is my best friend.
    we had the usual make up break ups and make ups that are pretty common but now I have hit a new obstacle.... I feel like this relationship may have completely run its course.
    This person used to make me feel loved, as though I was truly the mo st beautiful person on the planet - you just cant get better than that feeling! I dont feel that way anymore.
    My mom always told me that I would give more to a person in life then I would probably get back , its just my nature...I've seen that come to fruition in friendships before but never a relationship, until now. It would seem so simple , it would seem like I just have to buck up and call it quits.
    but when you have all these feelings invested into a person thats so difficult to do. My problem is , I believed this was my person, my one person, I thought we would get married,we talked about the future , pondered what our children would be like , the whole nine yards and to have that kind of go up in smoke is tearing me apart.
    I will be 26 years old in January , and that is young , I'm aware but I had always hoped I would be with someone at this point to build a future with (I thought I had that)
    we all want the same thing, to get the love we give to a person in return..... to know that someone thinks the world of you and loves you not despite your flaws but in part because of them.
    I reached that point with this person but I now believe its not reciprocated.
    the I love you's have all but stopped, anniversaries pass, I always wrote him a letter or told him how much he meant to me , and as of the last "anniversary" I got nothing, I'm not materialistic, I am pathethically easy to please but just cant buck up and say "you know what I feel taken for granted" or "you are not giving me what I need anymore" why? partly because I'm a coward but partly because this person is my best friend...
    its selfish to stay in a half assed situation , I just dont know what to do...
    thanks for listening, I know that many of you have been where I am , and I have poured my heart out on many occasions ... I'm not afraid to be alone (well maybe a tad afraid hehe) I just fear that I will never have those feelings of love again....
    I have so much to give , and no one to appreciate it
    its all your fault ppl , your meaning of love threads and the answer to the question of what is love threads got me started
    (just kidding)
    someone stop me before I start watching terms of endearment or something.......
  6. by   l.rae
    WEndy, here's a spin on the situation you might want to consider; #1 you are very fortunate to be in a relationship with someone who is your friend....IMO, l believe there are thousands of divorces because there is no friendship, nothing deeper than the romantic attraction....which brings me to ...
    #2 Romantic attraction is a superficial emotion, always temporary, tends to die down when couples get comfortable with each other...many ppl, maybe even most ppl take this to mean their love has waned, no excitement, and they start to look elsewhere, find more temporary excitement and a vicious cycle starts...looking for Mr./MS right.
    #3 It is a myth that romantic love is forever spontaneous as in the beginning of the relationship. Romantic love has to be worked at once a relationship is not new anymore....it takes effort to make that spark...there is no eternal flame....some days you are just friends, some days, just barely friends....and that is OK.
    #4 The average time that married couples spend in actual verbal communication is 4 minutes/day........
    #5 If you have a partner who is willing to work with you to develope and maintain a relationship...don't let go!...relationships NEVER just happen.
    #6 You will never know if you havethis willing partner until you share with him what your needs are...so SPEAK UP!
    #7 Good luck Wendy....you deserve someone special
    ....................LR
  7. by   Jenny P
    Excellent advice L.rae, and Wendy, you do deserve someone special. It is so important to TALK to your guy and find out what is going on in his mind and how he sees your relationship. Maybe he is happy as your friend; and that is OKAY!
    But you need to know that! Can you have a friend who was once a lover? Yes, it is possible, and, depending on the man you meet and marry, you may be able to remain friends with this guy (but it is up to your future hubby- AND your friends' future spouse!- if you are able to do that).

    So much happens between the ages of 18 and 26-- people mature, change, and grow apart; and often this can happen when you least expect it. A relationship is both give and take by both parties and if you are doing all of the giving, then it isn't the type of relationship it may once have been.

    Then again, the guy may need to be thumped upside the head and told that you are MAGNIFICENT and if he doesn't treat you like that, he is history!

    Good luck, Wendy.
  8. by   Kayzee
    Wendy, Found myself in a situation as yours. Lived with this guy for 13 yrs. We were more like roomates than lovers. Than I met this wonderful man, and I had to decide on what to do. I didn't take this lightly. I searched my heart and decided that I wanted to see this other person,so I ended my current relationship. We were finally open with one another, but it was to late. It was very difficult to do. I felt so guilty leaving that man,but I knew the relationship was over. I am now married 1 yr. to the man I met. I knew that something was special about him. He is the most kind, thoughtful, giving man I have ever met. I am so happy with him. I believe that relationships do just happen. I don't know how much you love this guy, but you need to sit down with him and let him know exactly how you are feeling and if your relationship can be saved. Open up to him now.
  9. by   hapeewendy
    thanks for your support guys....
    means a lot to me
    I thought a lot about what Shawn has meant to me over time and had it all figured out , I would call him tonight and tell him that I value him and that I love him and that we need to make more of an effort with eachother. That way he wouldnt feel as though I was saying "you neglect me" etc etc
    well I called.....and he said he wasnt doing very well and I said yeah I know what you mean and then he dropped a bombshell on my poor little heart
    he said
    "I think we need a break, youre busy with school and stressed with work" I proceeded to tell him that i hadnt invested 7 years of my life with a person to be told (over the phone no less) that they feel like they need a break.... he said its so hard because he loves me yadda yadda, well you dont do this to a person you love in my opinion...
    I dont want to come off the wrong way here so I better stop writing , none of this makes any sense to me , my heart is heavy .....
    but thanks for your support and advice
    you can take some solace in the fact I wont be trouble with relationship problems anymore

    unhappywendy is more like it
    I'm just shellshocked, I'm sure things will make more sense, or will they ?
  10. by   Stargazer
    I'm just shellshocked, I'm sure things will make more sense, or will they ?
    Eventually.

    I'm so sorry, sweetie. Nothing to offer here but a big hug.
  11. by   dianah
    Take time to grieve for what was and for what is gone/changed . . .

    take time to reassess . . .

    You will not forever stumble about, numb and/or shellshocked. It may well be that something better (no, can it be???) is just over the horizon.

    Take care of yourself, you are much valued here, and for good reason!!

    Not much more to add from here; you knew in your heart what was happening, and what needed to be done . . . change is always hard.

    . . .thoughts and prayers are with you. -- D
  12. by   researchrabbit
    from all your posts here, it has always seemed that you have a sweet and gentle heart.
    Don't feel like you need to hide from us here because you're sad, all of us have shared at some time or another.
  13. by   LoisJean
    Oh, Wendy, it's hard when people out grow each other. But it happens and if you will allow all that is Good and Kind to have it's way, it will bring to you the one you're meant for in the time that it's meant to be.

    I don't sense that you are meant to be alone in this life.

    A wiser person than I once told me that every situation, every relationship is food for personal inventory. Is it possible that this situation is designed to make you take a long look into yourself? Take time to Know Thyself...to Be Thyself. We're here for you, sweetie. Don't stay away from us too long.

    Peace to You now-
    Lois Jean
  14. by   Jenny P
    ((((((Wendy))))))

    I'm sorry that you're feeling bad right now. We are here for you.

    However, I want you to think about what he said: '"I think we need a break, youre busy with school and stressed with work" I proceeded to tell him that i hadnt invested 7 years of my life with a person to be told (over the phone no less) that they feel like they need a break.... he said its so hard because he loves me yadda yadda, well you dont do this to a person you love in my opinion... "'
    I agree with you that this was a callous way for him to tell you this; but you know guys aren't aware of how this would come across.

    Maybe he still wants to be friends until your life is less stressed?

close