The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired

  1. Part 1 - The Resume

    Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to live in.

    To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says "Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10 glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

    Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a salable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best "spin" on a job seeker's skills:


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

    A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a "Grill Coordinator", or perhaps a "Culinary Technician".


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

    Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

    You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Drama Studies."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "I worked in telemarketing."

    Die you scumbag.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine."

    I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his work!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:


    Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
    Goal-oriented
    Forward-thinking
    Striving
    Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
    It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
    •  
  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   Ted
    Originally posted by betts
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "I worked in telemarketing."

    Die you scumbag.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Actually, your whole post gave me a good chuckle. However, this on really tickled my fancy!:chuckle

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Ted
  4. by   Agnus
    Hey I did work in telemarketing. Comes in REAL handy when telemarketers call me. They don't know how to handle me and hang up on me. he he
  5. by   sub-nurse
    Hey!! I was a telemarketer before i became a nurse.......lol

    But hey, no worries, i lothe myself for it....:roll
  6. by   fedupnurse
    Very good Betts!!! Where have you been lately????? Hope all is well!
  7. by   Mkue
    Welcome back Betts, I miss your posts.


  8. by   studentOH
    I think we all had our moments. I cashiered at 7-11, slopped beef at arby's (i'm a vegetarian, so that one was extra fun), dropped people's computers while loading trucks at UPS, and the most glamorous of all: janitor at a 24hour wal-mart. Telemarketers rarely call me, and when they do i have fun with them so they really don't bother me. The bill collectors that used to call were my favorite.

    "Hello?"
    "Could I speak to Danielle (my old roomie) ?"
    "Who's calling?"
    "This is so-and-so with megabankcard."
    "That's fine...what are you wearing?"
    "Excuse me?"
    "Well Danielle won't talk to you unless you're wearing something hot...now spill it, any lace or leather?"
    "SIR THAT IS HARRASSMENT!"
    "Umm not when YOU called ME it isn't...but I can't continue this conversation without your credit card number..."

    Gotta love 'em.

    Bri
    Last edit by studentOH on Aug 13, '02
  9. by   Love-A-Nurse
    originally posted by agnus
    hey i did work in telemarketing. comes in real handy when telemarketers call me. they don't know how to handle me and hang up on me. he he
    now, that's a rare reversal!
  10. by   researchrabbit
    Originally posted by studentOH

    "Hello?"
    "Could I speak to Danielle (my old roomie) Roberts?"
    "Who's calling?"
    "This is so-and-so with megabankcard."
    "That's fine...what are you wearing?"
    "Excuse me?"
    "Well Danielle won't talk to you unless you're wearing something hot...now spill it, any lace or leather?"
    "SIR THAT IS HARRASSMENT!"
    "Umm not when YOU called ME it isn't...but I can't continue this conversation without your credit card number..."

    Gotta love 'em.

    Bri
    OK...I can't WAIT now for another telemarketer to call!
  11. by   nurseratchett29
    Originally posted by researchrabbit


    OK...I can't WAIT now for another telemarketer to call!
    I always do the Seinfeld line==
    I'd be glad to talk to you about it==Why don't you give me YOUR home phone number and let me get back to you when it's convenient for me. They never know what to say to that. :roll
  12. by   BadBird
    I think all you have to do to get hired now is have a pulse.
  13. by   Scavenger'sWife
    Hee Hee....great post.

    I worked for 4 years at a rubber hose factory that recycled OTHER rubber-hose-factory's cast-off hose! BLEAHHHH! :chuckle

    ("Up your nose widda rubber hose!")
  14. by   nursegoodguy
    Originally posted by studentOH
    I think we all had our moments. I cashiered at 7-11, slopped beef at arby's (i'm a vegetarian, so that one was extra fun), dropped people's computers while loading trucks at UPS, and the most glamorous of all: janitor at a 24hour wal-mart. Telemarketers rarely call me, and when they do i have fun with them so they really don't bother me. The bill collectors that used to call were my favorite.

    "Hello?"
    "Could I speak to Danielle (my old roomie) ?"
    "Who's calling?"
    "This is so-and-so with megabankcard."
    "That's fine...what are you wearing?"
    "Excuse me?"
    "Well Danielle won't talk to you unless you're wearing something hot...now spill it, any lace or leather?"
    "SIR THAT IS HARRASSMENT!"
    "Umm not when YOU called ME it isn't...but I can't continue this conversation without your credit card number..."

    Gotta love 'em.

    Bri
    Whenever I read the title of the thread I think it says hard instead of hired, anybody else misread it?

    You are Too Funny Bri!!!
    Last edit by nursegoodguy on Aug 14, '02

close