The Other Man

  1. I may have just lost a friend, he moved to California and is having an affair with a married man. This man is married to a woman and stringing my friend along. My friend says this man loves him.

    Can you trust a married man who won't leave his wife, yet says he loves you? No way someone, man, wife or friend or all three isn't going to be hurt.

    My friend was telling me about his new "boyfriend" and he's o.k. with the marriage thing. I was very nonjudgemental in my email, but I told him I couldn't encourage it because if it were me......

    What would you have done. Kept your mouth shut and minded your own business? Or gently tell him, since he is making it your business how you feel?

    Really, it isn't my business and he's free to do what he wants to do and I told him so. I'm not telling him what to do, just as a friend that if it were me I would run from a married man.
  2. 17 Comments

  3. by   Spidey's mom
    [QUOTE]Originally posted by 3rdShiftGuy
    [B]I may have just lost a friend, he moved to California and is having an affair with a married man. This man is married to a woman and stringing my friend along. My friend says this man loves him.

    Can you trust a married man who won't leave his wife, yet says he loves you?

    Well . . . the truth is NO. Love is wanting the best for the other person and putting their needs first. This guy doesn't love his wife or your friend. He loves himself.

    You are in a tough position. I'd go with honesty tempered with love.

    What is with all these people who are screwing around on their spouses??? arrgghhh .. .

  4. by   Gomer
    If he cheats on his wife; he will cheat on him. Yes, MYB.
  5. by   LauraF, RN
    That is a very tough position to be in. If he is a good friend I would tell him how you feel. But remind him that you only want the best for him and that you will always be his friend. It sounds like the married man may have his own issues that need to be dealt with. I'm sorry your in such a position. ((((((((hugs)))))))
    You know I'm here for YOU if you need to talk it out to make a decision.
  6. by   NICU_Nurse
    IMO, if they tell you, they are then obligated to hear your response (if any). If they didn't want a reaction (be it positive or negative), they shouldn't have told you.

    My close friends know that I am all about total honesty. I may not like what they say and vice versa, but it's a condition of our friendships and we all know it. If I feel that what a friend is doing is going to hurt them or is a mistake, I am not shy about discussing it with them and/or letting them know what I think about it. I expect the same from them. Sometimes friends see things that we don't, you know? Or they have advice that we need but we don't think or know we need, if that makes sense.

    If you have that type of friendship with him, I say express yourself. Not all relationships are like that, however, and of course it's your decision to make based upon your personal circumstances.

    I am always careful not to condemn, but I am not afraid of expressing worry or fear that my friends are going to get hurt or used or whatever.

    Good luck with this. In my experience, married people don't leave their spouses, although it sounds like this married man may be having a sexuality problem, which can be different circumstances. It can also be the experimentation, which could be bad news for your friend.
  7. by   nursechris1
    Dr Phil would say that yes, you could tell your friend how you feel, and that you are disappointed in him, but you may be talking to the wall if he doesnt want to hear it.
  8. by   atownsendrn
    3rdshiftguy - sorry to hear about this situation you are in. I agree with the above. If he ask your opinion, then you need to be honest with him. Good luck {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
  9. by   PennyLane
    If by telling him your opinion, your friendship is over, then unfortunately the problem is his. He must feel deep down that what he's doing is not right. But sometimes people have to make their own mistakes in order to learn. I would certainly tell him how I feel, out of concern for his welfare. I'm afraid he will only end up being hurt by this man.

    As a friend, there is only so much you can do, but be there for him.
  10. by   adrienurse
    You're a good friend, I can tell that. Your buddy is not in a situation that is likely gonna end in his favour, I know that, you know that, deep down I'm sure your friend knows something's wrong with this picture. He is probably not, however, ready to hear it from you. A good friend is there to listen, and accepts that there is nothing he can do to change what is going on. Hopefully your friend's gonna get out before he gets too hurt, but tweets, there's nothing you can do except be loving and supportive.
  11. by   Tweety
    Thanks for the many great and honest responses. I do appreciate it.

    I continue to be nonjudgemental, be there if he wants to talk, yet tell him I think it's good for him whether he wants to hear it or not, whether he keeps talking to me or not. I can't sit back and pretend I'm happy for him that he's found a boyfriend.
  12. by   karenG
    I think you have to be true to yourself and it sounds as if you are a great friend to have around. so good luck...........definately not an easy situation.

  13. by   Tweety
    I heard back from him and he's not angry. He's in big time denial. I wrote him back to offer support. I can't give him my stuff, my morals, that's his stuff.

    Sad, but someone is going to get hurt, it's only a matter of time for time decides who it will be, but someone is definately going to get hurt.
  14. by   adrienurse
    I can't tell you how many people I know that have relationship horror stories about that partner that was still too closeted for the situation to work out. That brings another dimension to this whole infidelity thing (assuming the guy's not bi).