The All Encompassing M word...

  1. hi guys....
    its just me...

    ok... here goes....
    The M word....
    My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 8 months... right now its a long distance thing.. I live in NYC NY, he lives in Rochester NY... we see eachother once/month... call every day/every other day.... We discussed the M word.... (frightening) and, he said he wanted to Eventually pop the question... cant afford it right now though (he moved back home to bring himself out of debt)
    I can say that I actually do love him... (its not a lust/crush feeling, but it borders on that.... its more than a friendship... but, it touches on that....)

    how long have you guys known eachother before getting married...
    how long did you date?
    and...
    Tell me... when did you know that you loved that person enough to want to share your life with them.....

    gee...
    I'll see how this goes...
    --Barbara
    •  
  2. 23 Comments

  3. by   moonchild20002000
    Barbara,

    My husband and I dated for almost 2 years before we married.
    I think we loved each other from the very first,it took us about a year before we were ready to recogGood luck!nize it.

    In a month we will celebrate our 33 anniversary!Good luck!
  4. by   live4today
    My first husband and I were together for almost 3 years before we married. That marriage lasted 18 years......some good...some not.

    My current husband and I were together only 5 months before we married, and we've been married now for 12 years this month...some good...some not.

    You win some...you lose some. I don't believe that LONGER dating periods will necessarily grant one a "Happy Ever After"....nor will a short dating period guarantee a complete failure of the marriage.....the proof is in the pudding of the two people making the commitment to one another.

    The proof of whether one is "ready" or not for marriage comes in their ability to commit...remain a stable force for one another...quality of love shared between two people...not so much "quantity" because I know a lot of people married for many many moons who are not happy.....not even content......but are sold on remaining committed to what they vowed to uphold til death do they part.

    Funny....today I was telling my hubby that nowhere in the marriage vows does it say "until divorce do we part"......or "until I fall out of love with you".....or "until you cheat on me, or I on you"....and so much more crap we divorce one another for......but the vows I repeated not once but twice said "Until DEATH do we part"........so........instead of my paying my old tired attorney $16,000.00 to rid myself of a man who had no "backbone", I should have killed the S.O.B. So.....guess what I told my husband next? Uhhhhhh......huhhhhhh...you got it! If he and I part....it will be according to the vows we promised one another "UNTIL DEATH DO WE PART"....and I will be more than glad to put him out of his misery if he screws up royally AGAIN...in this marriage. :chuckle

    Marriage is NOT perfect.....one human being meets another human being and falls in "something" with each other.....play for a time.....enjoy all the warm fuzzies from each other.....think that's good enough to marry on.....then once the warm fuzzies enter the "winter season" of the marriage (after the honeymoon has gone far south).....the feeling is gone, the relationship grows cold.....a divorce becomes the pursuit of ending what didn't get started on the right foot to begin with.

    Marriage is built on COMMITMENT.....like any type of relationship should be. Some are good at being obedient to what and whom they commit to......and MOST are NOT! So.....choose your mate carefully.......make sure you are offering the mate you choose the same loving partner you expect him or her to be. :kiss
    Last edit by live4today on Aug 25, '02
  5. by   SusanRN2004
    My husband and I met on June 16th and we were married on September 16th--same year. We will be married 24 years next month. I usually don't tell people how good of a marriage I have, because I don't want to make them feel bad. I have an unusually self-less husband. We have the same values and ideas on issues so I think that helps.

    Would I want my daughter to get married after knowing someone 3 months? NO WAY!

    How did I know he was the one? I just could not imagine life without him in it. It just seemed right. :kiss
  6. by   bestblondRN
    My husband proposed to me 7 months after we met, and we were engaged for 2 years to the day--we got married on the date he proposed. It gave us time to get to know each other well and figure out if this was really what we wanted. Second marriages fail more often than not, and we are bound and determined not to become one of those statistics!!!
  7. by   stressedlpn
    great question was kinda wondering the same thing, dan and I have been together since first of Feb. we are living toghether now and plan on getting married next spring,(in Europe where his parents live) cant wait for that. I was kinda scared that we were moving too fast but I figured that I had waited this long 6 years to be exact that I knew when I loved someone enough to stick it out and it has been the best choice I ever made
  8. by   indeed
    Whilst I am not technically "married" (boyo and I will never officially marry for reasons that have nothing to do with commitment), we have a commitment that is comparable. We've been together a little over 3 and a half years. I couldn't tell you when exactly we figured this out, but at some point it was just sort of natural for us to say "OK, I am going to do everything I can to make this work and look out for you." I can most certainly imagine life without him, I wouldn't whither and die in his absence, but...it's hard to explain. I look at the whole thing as it's a commitment to each other to have each other's back in everything we do. Not an easy task sometimes, but the paybacks can be enormous (on the flipside, the burns can be even more enormous). My decision to commit to him wasn't a "I just knew" type of thing, it was a very conscious decision that was based on a feeling that this is right. I don't know if that makes any sense at all...oh well.

    Indeed.
  9. by   Jenny P
    DH and I have been married for 27 yrs; and we'd met 14 mo. before we tied the knot. I think I knew on the 3rd date that he was the guy for me; it took him about 6 months before he found he couldn't live without me.

    I refused to move in with him before marriage. I think the woman gets the short end of the deal in that situation-- he gets sex whenever he wants (ok, she does too, but he usually has a higher demand); and she gets laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning; etc. even when they "share" household chores and expenses.

    DH and I refuse to go to bed mad at each other. We entered into the marriage knowing that we do not believe in divorce and would never separate. We remember that words and anger are the most lethal weapons in a relationship and as long as you hold that partner above all others, no one and no temptation will interfere with the marriage. A lifetime commitment is not worth an hours' fling.
  10. by   LasVegasRN
    Oh, to have this dilemma.
  11. by   misti_z
    Follow your heart, you know what you should do.

    Me and my husband where together 3 years before being married and lived together 2 of those years. Been married for almost a year and a half now!

    Good luck!
    Last edit by misti_z on Aug 30, '02
  12. by   CashewLPN
    Sigh...
    I miss my dave...
    oh well....

    I took a pic of him feeding his neice....
    so cute..

    laters...
    --Barbara
  13. by   schrandt
    [QUOTE]Originally posted by cheerfuldoer
    [B]My first husband and I were together for almost 3 years before we married. That marriage lasted 18 years......some good...some not.

    My current husband and I were together only 5 months before we married, and we've been married now for 12 years this month...some good...some not.

    You win some...you lose some. I don't believe that LONGER dating periods will necessarily grant one a "Happy Ever After"....nor will a short dating period guarantee a complete failure of the marriage.....the proof is in the pudding of the two people making the commitment to one another.

    The proof of whether one is "ready" or not for marriage comes in their ability to commit...remain a stable force for one another...quality of love shared between two people...not so much "quantity" because I know a lot of people married for many many moons who are not happy.....not even content......but are sold on remaining committed to what they vowed to uphold til death do they part.

    Funny....today I was telling my hubby that nowhere in the marriage vows does it say "until divorce do we part"......or "until I fall out of love with you".....or "until you cheat on me, or I on you"....and so much more crap we divorce one another for......but the vows I repeated not once but twice said "Until DEATH do we part"........so........instead of my paying my old tired attorney $16,000.00 to rid myself of a man who had no "backbone", I should have killed the S.O.B. So.....guess what I told my husband next? Uhhhhhh......huhhhhhh...you got it! If he and I part....it will be according to the vows we promised one another "UNTIL DEATH DO WE PART"....and I will be more than glad to put him out of his misery if he screws up royally AGAIN...in this marriage. :chuckle

    Marriage is NOT perfect.....one human being meets another human being and falls in "something" with each other.....play for a time.....enjoy all the warm fuzzies from each other.....think that's good enough to marry on.....then once the warm fuzzies enter the "winter season" of the marriage (after the honeymoon has gone far south).....the feeling is gone, the relationship grows cold.....a divorce becomes the pursuit of ending what didn't get started on the right foot to begin with.

    Marriage is built on COMMITMENT.....like any type of relationship should be. Some are good at being obedient to what and whom they commit to......and MOST are NOT! So.....choose your mate carefully.......make sure you are offering the mate you choose the same loving partner you expect him or her to be. :kiss
    ---------
    Had to copy all this, lots of wisdom here & I couldn't have said it as well. First time around, we dated for 4 years. Lasted 13, many not good (in retrospect). Don & I were together for 1 1/2 years before getting married 13 years ago Sept 30. Most good. Time doesn't matter as much as maturity, true comittment, friendship, and of course love. And it doesn't stop once you exchange vows. Marriage is harder work than work is. My poor husband put up with a lot of crap from my kids-I was lucky he didn't kill them off one by one, but he treats them as if they were his own, in fact better than their sperm donor has. Good luck to you.
  14. by   MollyJ
    Yeti, my hubby and I dated for about 4 years before we married. He was divorced and gun shy. I wouldn't necessarily recommend 4 years. We had gotten to the point of commit or go your separate ways and we opted for committment.

    Make a list of what you want in a partner.

    Remember that money splits up more couples than almost anything else, so do you spend money similarly and do you value similar things?

    My list is largely fulfilled by my husband:

    I trust him.
    We spend money similarly. He spends more freely than me, but we still agree on major purchases before they are done. We have similar views on credit, saving dollars, planning for retirement.
    We both are not big party folk and enjoy similar leisure time activities.
    We can talk about anything, so just about anything is open for discussion.
    I admire him.
    He's an interesting human.
    We agree largely on the way we parent.
    We're pretty diverse in religion, but we've worked it out.
    I like his sister, his main relative. She could be my best friend.


    We had a long distance relationship during courtship and it's not that satisfying. It's really important to be around people to see how they handle day to day challenges and frustrations.

    Good luck. Marriage is never an emergency.

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