Thanks to Everyone Who Emailed Me this last year!


    I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

    Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have hundreds of angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

    I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

    I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

    And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

    I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

    I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

    I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

    And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

    Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician.. .

    Have a wonderful day....
    A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
    e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
  2. 14 Comments

  3. by   Grace Oz
    Haha! Good one! Thankfully, I had my hand cupping my chin as I read this! lol
    Thanks for the laughs, Tweety.
  4. by   sunnyjohn
    Very funny Tweety.

    *Sunny copies and pastes this e-mail to send to all her pals*
  5. by   suzy253
  6. by   UM Review RN
    Hoooah!! Hilarious!

    I sent this one to all my email-spamming buddies.

    They'll love it!!

  7. by   JaxiaKiley
    Life is pretty boring these days, isn't it? LOL
  8. by   MLF
    Tweety: Laugh out loud funny. Unfortunately, though some people live their life that way!! We are given SO MANY warnings-about everything-that we live in paranoia. Thanks for sharing it. Donna
  9. by   nursemary9
    :roll :roll :roll
  10. by   JeanettePNP
    I have to forward this to my SIL--she's the one who forwards all those helpful warnings to me all the time!
  11. by   live4today
    Oh my gosh! Too too funny, Tweety! Thanks for the laughs!
  12. by   muffie
    verra phunny, thanks
  13. by   TazziRN
    Quote from Tweety
    Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    If I was a big brown African spider watching a butt about to sit on me, I'd bite it too!
  14. by   SWRN84
    That was laugh out loud funny! Made my day....I have received most of those emails, too!