Tell me how to leave him!

  1. HI, for those of you reading my previous thread: anger at hubby, you know what I am talking about. I already have decided to leave. Problem is now I am scared he will do something rash.......he has a history of insane jealousy, combine it with the drinking, and his family that support HIM and not me, I do not know what to do.

    I fear he will get very nice at first trying to win me back, and then if that doesn't work, get crazy and follow me or something. I don't know that he would, but it is true that alcohol can do funky things to people. I do not think he will let go without a fight.

    The other thing he could do is try to get custody of my daughter. Look, I am not sure the steps I should take to get out of this, ensure our safety, and keep in school!!! I know i need to keep in school as this is the ticket to my independence. Any suggestions!!! I am terrified!:uhoh21:
  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   AmyLiz
    Talk to a lawyer. Also, you may want to talk to a counselor of some sort. I know our hospital has employee assistance for different personal problems, maybe yours does too?
    Last edit by AmyLiz on Mar 31, '04
  4. by   BBFRN

    If anything, you can call the local abuse hotline in your area. They can refer you to the resources you need to make your plans and protect yourself. Get an attorney if you really feel he would have a chance at getting custody of your child (although, unless you leave the kid there with him when you leave, he probably wouldn't have a leg to stand on). If he has any police records, or convictions related to violence or alcohol/drug abuse, you can obtain these for proof of how unfit of a custodial parent he would be. The thing is, if you do this, you might have to do it all the way, and protect yourself by having info in hand that shows how messed up he is. Don't start feeling so sorry for him and his situation that you screw yourself and your kid in the process. If he has threatened you recently, or threatens you at all, get a restraining order. He might not do anything screwy, but the big red flag for you to go ahead and get out of the relationship could be that you really don't know what he is capable of. Not a good foundation for a relationship. Call the hotline, and maybe call your local Bar Assn. to see if you can get any legal help cheaply or for free, based on your circumstances. Don't worry about what his family thinks. I got berated by my ex MIL, who would call me at work yelling at me for what I did to her son. Later on, she was dying of Non- Hodgkin's and taking care of him herself (which he was all too glad to have her do). She got sick of it, changed her thinking, and actually apologized to me before she passed away. If his family thinks he's just fine, that's their own sickness/denial talking. You can't really worry about them, can you? Tell your family what is really going on. The more people who know the real story, the safer you are, and the more support you'll have. You do not have to protect him any more.

    Your first step is getting support for yourself. Have people around you that you can talk to about this, and can give you real advice based on experience. If you are planning on just leaving him, and not telling him where you're going with your kid, you really need to have an attorney to advise you, and help you to legally protect yourself. Move to a secure apartment building that has either a security guard at the door, or requires someone to ring up to your apt before they can enter the bldg. And if he does appear at your door- no matter how nice he is playing, don't let him in. Meet with him only in public, or in the presence of your atty, if you feel he is capable of violence directed at you. Ask for supervised visitation only with your kid when it comes time to talk about custody. And get child support! He doesn't have to know where you live to pay it- it can be sent to the county atty's office, and then to you, or it can be garnished from his wages.

    You have a lot to think about. Plan, plan, plan before you leave- if you don't feel in any immediate danger. But make sure he doesn't find out any of this. Don't talk to his family or friends about it, and don't leave evidence lying around for him to find. I would even watch how much you post about this online. He can get into your computer and find out everything you've been saying. Call the hotline soon, and ask them the best steps to make. And you can do all this and stay in school- I did. There are resources that can help you stay in school- I got a lot of help, because they knew I was willing to help myself in any way I could. And I made A's & B's, although I changed programs from RN to LPN, so I could make a living more quickly on my own.

    Good luck!
  5. by   gij1
    Please talk to local women's shelter/violence. They will help you with a plan of action to leave this man. Get support, do not try and do this alone. Keep making the right decisions that are positive for yourself and daughter. Step by step you can have a brand new life that is not filled with fear. Please, please get help & let us know what is happening. All the posters are giving you such good advice.
  6. by   gypsyatheart
    You have been given some really good advice here. I can't add much except to point out that something is making you feel afraid...take that as your gut instinct....take it seriously.
    Plan, plan,plan. Get your finances in order. Contact a family law attorney, they offer free consults and call as many of them that you need to. Have a list of questions ready...write things down. Most of them will do free consults over the phone.
    Contact the domestic abuse hotline and speak w/a counselor. Get hooked up w/your works Employee Assistance Program (if applicable).
    Have enough money stashed so that, if need be, you could get out and have enough to get a motel room and food/gas,etc for you and your child. Keep a bag ready for you and your child w/a few simple necessities. Hide it, but have it handy so you can get to it easily enough. You may not need all of this, but, on the other never know...
    Good luck, keep us posted. I know how frightening it is to be in that situation. I was in a similar one many yrs ago, thought I 'd never get out....PM me if you need to.
  7. by   ferfer
    Truth is, I cannot afford a lawyer and furthermore, could not even find time to meet with one, being so busy in school.

    I have never felt so alone and sad too.

    My daughter will be devastated, in spite of the arguing she hears, etc, I think she will feel very abandoned by him. She does love her dad very much.

    Anyone been through this?
  8. by   gypsyatheart
    ferfer, it sounds like you're wavering, maybe making some excuses....
    Like I said, many, in fact most lawyers offer free phone consultations. You can call as many as you need to. And you make the time to do what is important!
    Of course your daughter will be upset, at first, she doesn't know anything else...that's where you, as the adult, have to be strong, understand your priorities (your daughter) and guide and direct her, be there for her!
    Lots of us have been where you're at is hard, and it is harder when "he" is acting nice, behaving, making long will that last?
    I don't know what else to to tell you....other than try and hook up w/someone in your area's DV shelter/hotline. At least you'll have a real live person to bounce things off of.
    Stay strong....

    Quote from ferfer
    Truth is, I cannot afford a lawyer and furthermore, could not even find time to meet with one, being so busy in school.

    I have never felt so alone and sad too.

    My daughter will be devastated, in spite of the arguing she hears, etc, I think she will feel very abandoned by him. She does love her dad very much.

    Anyone been through this?
    Last edit by gypsyatheart on Apr 1, '04
  9. by   hmccartn
    before you leave i would go and see a lawyer..if you cant afford one then legal aid offers free clinics usually, where you can just walk in. but meet with them first to find out what documents you need in place so he cannot try to take custody of your daughter. my understanding is that you would be able to file for interim custody and then if he wants to later he can file adn go through a lengthy court process, which he will likely loose (based on the little bit i have read about the guy).. second talk to you lawyer and staff from a women's shelter about creating a safety to get you and your daughter out okay... and whatever you do..dont tell him where you are staying!!!!! you need to stay safe...i am in manitoba (in canada) and there is actually a division of the justice department called the women's directorate that helps women navigate the court system related to domestic violence issues, they may also be able to tell you which documentation to have in place, (ie restraining orders etc).. best of luck to you. be safe.
  10. by   BadBird
    Things to do: 1. get you own bank account, if you work have your paychecks directly deposited so he can't get his hands on your money.
    2. Cancel all credit cards that are jointly owned, if he is the primary call the credit card and ask for the marital relations department so you will no longer be responsible for what he charges.
    3. The other advise about womens shelters sounds good, give them a call and see what help they can offer you.
    4. See if you can find low cost counseling for you and your daughter, if she is in school let the teachers and counselors know that you are divorcing your husband and that you have parental custody and not to let her go with him.

    Good luck to you.
  11. by   ferfer
    I have successfully left.......thanks for all the online support everyone
  12. by   BBFRN
    Stay in school, Ferfer- you can do it!
  13. by   gypsyatheart
    Wow, Ferfer, good for you! I know this is probably one of the hardest things you've had to do, but stay strong! And, definitely, stay in school! Things will get better, definitely. You do have support here, if you need it!